Annoyrexia

Frustration. An emotion that is derived from the Latin translation of ‘in vain’- the term used to describe the uselessness of a task or its lack of effective results. This sentiment can be felt upon the annoyance borne from not achieving a standard that you had formerly believed to be your best; often ensued from setting the bar too high for yourself. It can equally be experienced when an obstacle causes a hindrance which prevents us from achieving the task we set out to do. With a mental disorder such as Anorexia, the frustrations cultivate inside of you at your inability to be competent enough to battle life’s numerous and inevitable impediments. Soon enough the build-up causes the feelings to erupt out in an uncontrollable and often unconstructive way hence forcefully ejected from us as anger. I would ridicule my primary school headmaster who would call upon his ‘feely-bottle’ in school assemblies to metaphorically portray how we can keep our emotions at bay in a tightly lidded bottle until it would become too full and burst open. At a young age we are rarely vexed by the anticipated disappointments in life, blessed with a blissful ignorance of the pain these dissatisfactions lead to. I therefore did not appreciate the full significance of his teaching. Experience is the only true way that can lead to a complete understanding by imparting us with an incontestable knowledge. Anorexia has enlightened me of life’s perils in a way that has forced me to mature beyond my years. There is a persistent frustration that prowls about my mind, endlessly clawing at the impenetrable barrier created by my Anorexia that prohibits me from eating particular foods. Overwhelming frustration will rear within me again when my body is incapable to perform in the way I will it to, due to the consequential physical weakness from my months of forced starvation. I have suppressed this feeling for far too long, unwilling to unnecessarily further the burden of my illness on others. It has come to the stage where I must vent.

Having finally reached a stage whereby I do not punish myself so much for succumbing to the Anorexia and by only permitting myself to carry the entire blame of the subsequent issues, I get distressed upon hearing people judge my eating disorder as ‘self-inflicted’. I recently read the daily mail which included an article on ‘manorexia’ (term coined to describe male Anorexia sufferers) to satisfy my curiosity on what the media and its readers had to say on eating disorders so I studied the piece and its comments to its entirety. Though I am aware that these tabloids horde a range of extremely opinionated people, I was not quite prepared to have divulged to me so blatantly the attack on the seemingly selfish demeanour of Anorexia sufferers. A poignant comment left by a prejudiced and judgemental reader stated ‘Great. Just what the NHS needs. More self-inflicted illnesses’ and further insulted Anorexia sufferers by deeming them ‘self-absorbed’. Only upon reflection however, do I realise why this particular critique disgruntled me to such an extent; the reader made a verdict that we did not deserve NHS help unlike the unpreventable physical disease sufferers such as cancer. This concept has crossed my mind many a time and I still cannot find it within me to shake away the theory that I brought it upon myself so I do not warrant any help, let alone be praised for my ‘bravery’ at writing about my experience. I unfortunately don’t believe I will ever fully be able to eradicate this feeling though I have in time learnt to accept that I- like any rational being- did not choose to become ill. I was hurt by these false allegations presented in spiteful words which caused a maddening anger to arise in a bid to defend myself and other sufferers. I feel such exasperation in the knowledge that I cannot make anyone who has not fallen victim to Anorexia fully comprehend the disorder (obviously not wishing it to befall on anyone), yet I still feel I have achieved a clarification of the disorder to those who wish to understand.

I am not the only one with frustrations and I accept that I have been the brunt of many of these cases. My family and friends have willed me to get better, persisting with their attempts at persuasions without much success on their part. My recovery is an excruciatingly slow process which requires patience from every party involved, yet the struggle to remain impartial will occasionally end up with a frustrated outburst as to why I can’t just eat. Recovery for me has been occurring in stages and at the very beginning it seemed to others like I was making no progress at all though I was constantly at odds with myself and the Anorexia. Contrary to what I initially believed, this year has gone far quicker than I would have expected. When I was finally able to project myself in the future, I imagined myself at this time of year maybe not being almost completely cured, but certainly at a much closer stage to my target weight than I currently am. What I had failed to envisage were all the intricate challenges I would have to overcome especially that of beginning to eat the same as my parents at meal times without the exact knowledge of the calorie content. It is therefore irrational for me to feel discouraged by my slow weight gain compared to the amount of effort I have put in, as I have achieved so much in my recovery in a variety of ways. I am also fully conscious that rapidity in weight gain would not have been beneficial for me, as I need time to adapt and adjust myself back to normality; I still feel I have some sort of control.

I cannot simply throw myself into the deep end, due to the need to build up foundations upon which I can continue to strive upwards. I still have a lot to surmount. Though I can fortunately now more or less judge what a correct portion size would be for myself, upon eating a home cooked meal I do not trust myself to not let the Anorexia invade my judgement and serve myself one spoon less than the others around me. I put my entire faith in my parents, whom I deem dependable enough to serve me a portion they would have or to divide up portions for the whole family equally (I am insistent that they do not provide me with a larger portion purely to ‘fatten me up’). Having developed an extremely critical eye and supernatural grease detection skills, nothing concerning what I and others are to eat passes my attention and therefore my parents know not to bother fooling me. Another of my less obvious problems is that of my changing physical appearance. I am sick of seeing myself so skeletal in the mirror, with all my old clothes hanging off me in an unattractive manner and the horrified stares of the public; I KNOW I want to get back to my former dancer’s physique. However, no matter how much I tear away I cannot penetrate the barricade my Anorexia has devised that prevents me from not feeling guilty for the weight regain. I will therefore seek gratification and approval of my ‘fleshing out’ from others by pointing out the changes I have noticed and feed off their pleasure of it. As ridiculous as it may seem to someone of normal weight who looks at my current figure, weight restoration is not only difficult but very scary.

It has recently come to my attention the vast number of people who in the pursuit of security in their quotidian lives have yielded to Anorexia or any form of eating disorder due to the increasingly pressurising society we live in. We are rarely able to ignore what we perceive as faults in not only our looks but our personalities whilst striving for a sense of contentment and to live up to our perception of what perfection is- as often dictated by our biased media. I find it hard to just sit by and not actively reassure everyone I come across that Anorexia is not the way to stress relief with it being so difficult to get the message across in the vast quantity I aspire to. However, the knowledge that I have helped even one person is a far greater compensation for my own sufferance than I could have hoped. If I can urge that single person to be courageous enough to speak out and ask for help then the initial goal I set out to reach has been achieved- I have faith that each and every one of us has the competence to be brave. Putting all our trust and revealing our most delicate of vulnerabilities to even our closest of relations instigates a fear that we are at risk of them turning against us and using our weaknesses against us. Though this is not the case for those around you who care about your wellbeing, Anorexia IS a deceitful ‘friend’ who should you trust will, without a second glance, control you by leaving you exposed, isolated and above all weaker than you could have ever thought you could be.

I am not insisting on receiving sympathy; I simply wish to be treated as normally as possible after months of being shunned for my skeletal form and my need to isolate myself.  A little sensitivity on the subject of Anorexia will suffice. I feel like I am consistently imploring that Anorexia sufferers cannot battle the illness alone. In teaching people of all ages and social backgrounds about the disorder I hope to create a far more educated society that can detect the symptoms at an early stage and nip the illness in the bud before it devours its vulnerable prey. A shocking minimal number of people are being taught about the disease which inevitably generates a social stigma and it is frustrating to be aware of how simple it is to educate others. It is through spreading awareness that we can all fight this together. I wish students were warned at school of this malicious disorder, informing them of its trickery in constructing a fictitious sense of comfort and control. Not only this but people NEED to know they have an impartial and trustworthy support to which they can divulge their anxieties to without being judged- someone approachable and not clinically domineering that they can personally relate to (with no intentional disrespect, I for one could not put my trust in my school nurse whom I was made aware had little knowledge on the subject of eating disorders). I am disheartened by the number of people who are aware of how common it has now become, yet fail to act upon this knowledge and if not help themselves, then simply search for someone who can. This is not just about MY recovery, it is a treatment for an ignorant culture which can be cured of its misconceptions and prejudices via communication- it is never too late to learn about and accept mental disorders.