Competition. This is a basic instinct
within every living organism in the struggle for survival. Like a true
masochist, Anorexia Nervosa relishes in out-competing and dominating everything
it can get its iron grip around and will become a very sore loser. Should you
try desperately and take hold of its ominous presence, it will fight tooth and
nail to regain its control over you- never giving up. Although I have
previously scorned the notion that Anorexia is borne from the media and was
dubious of their allegiance, I cannot completely eradicate the fact that with
all the information we have access to nowadays, it feeds the cut-throat nature
of the illness by encouraging the spawning of this disorder. Our health
concerning food and exercise has become such an obsession within our culture that
people will share very openly their own day to day regimes, creating a world of
opportunity that I as a sufferer could compete against. Whether it was the
portion size and calorie intake or amount of exercise someone partook in, I
would feel an urgent need to compare myself to others in order to make sure I
was eating less or doing more physically, getting irrationally jealous if I
wasn’t able to do ‘better’ than them. This was my way of making sure that I was
a winner, when in actual fact I was losing myself in the illness and letting it
take me over. My sixth form common room hoarded the girls in and was a hostile
place where discussions orientated solely around exercise and dieting; it was a
breeding ground for competitive behaviour and eating disorders. There is a lot
out in the world that can spike the addiction of Anorexia, which I came to
realise when I was in the trance created by the disorder.
The internet is full of resources
for Anorexia to satisfy its craving for competition. I personally found it a
valuable source where I could gain all sorts of information in order to be able
to compare my own diet. With the world of different diets available to the
public soaring to an uncountable quantity, it was very easy for me to plug ‘*
calorie diet’ into my search engine and be presented with an insane amount of others’
‘exemplary’ regimes. What I failed to allow myself to notice when I would click
on such a link, was the warning that these low-calorie diets should be executed
under supervision of a GP and for a period of no longer than 2 weeks at a time.
I would block out any caution by convincing myself that I was doing myself no
harm, even though I was clearly becoming dangerously ill. I cannot call my particular
calorie target a diet in any way shape or form, as I can now see that no one
can sufficiently live off what I was consuming. I would use these online
‘diets’ as a guideline and barrier to how much I could allow myself to have and
under no circumstances should I have more than what was online. Upon reading a
very low calorie diet and acknowledging I was having less, I would feel giddy
with happiness for no justifiable reason.
