Courage. The ability to be able
to face difficulties presented to you despite your fears is a trait that many
admire as well as endeavour to possess. As
humans, we have the instinct to stick to what we know; to what we feel is safe.
Yet we all have the ability to be brave and venture out of our comfort zones
and challenge ourselves. It will certainly not come easily- but then, why
should it? The mere demonstration of having courage requires the fact that it
is out of the norm which henceforth acquires the respect from all observant
parties. Often, motivation and own experiences empower a person to illustrate
their courage, as you must become bold enough to initiate an act of valour regardless
of potential dangers. Courage need not be a heroic act whereby you save a
‘damsel in distress’ per se, but it can take on many forms depending on the
fears addressed. We are not all super-heroes, yet we have a notion that these
are the only ‘people’ who warrant the title of being brave- acts of heroism
being their day jobs actually annihilates all doubts they may have had in
themselves and becomes a sort of routine. True courage is when someone we would
see as ordinary performs the extraordinary and accepts their feat with
humility. With Anorexia, I have found that opportunities insistent on the need
to be brave arise around every corner. Whether it be the courage to eat a
particular food or ‘merely’ the courage to confide in someone, they merit a
huge applause, as any aspect of an eating disorder is arduous to overcome.
Being the shy person I have
always been, the fact that I began to open up so publically about my eating
disorder required me to put my inhibitions behind me and write from the heart. To
me, writing my thoughts and feelings down came relatively easily as I was not
face to face with the reactions of those who would be reading my exploits.
Though I was thought to have been brave for admitting to having had an eating
disorder and revealing every detail of my suffering, I did not see it that way.
I personally saw it as a necessity to make myself heard; to make myself
understood by a judgemental society whom I knew had made wrongful assumptions
behind my succumbing to Anorexia. However, this past week I achieved a goal I had
never thought I’d have the guts to fulfil. I SPOKE out. Having a few months ago
been unable to verbalise my disorder to even my manager at work, this week I
got the opportunity to return to my old school to speak to a group of 180,
14-15 year old girls about Anorexia and divulge my story. I was humbled by the praise
I received for having achieved what I had set out to do- educate society and if
possible, help even one person step towards recovery- and therefore I accepted the
idea that I had in this case been courageous. I basked in the euphoria of
having young girls come up to me and acknowledge the usefulness of what I had just
done. I had not expected the silence in the room and the respect I received from
each person who hung on to my every word and even asked questions; they were genuinely
interested in what I had to say and they wanted to learn more. It is in accomplishing
to speak out about my disorder and having to face the instantaneous reactions that
I really gleaned how much what I was doing was a help for others.
The past couple of weeks have
been a rollercoaster ride in terms of battling the meagre hold the Anorexia
still has on me- its vice like grip loses intensification with each finger I
remove whilst getting closer to a complete recovery. I have admitted to still
eating slowly and to avoiding particular foods as well as picking the lowest
calorie choice from a menu, however when I decided to go on a holiday to Paris
with only my sister by side, I could not have expected just how much I would
challenge myself. I had initially been worried, as I knew breakfast was a
buffet selection and being wary of my knowledge of portion sizes I did not know
whether I would be able to cope with this much freedom. However, I was
comfortable knowing that my sister is a good role model for how much I should
eat though I felt it necessary to warn her beforehand that I would be following
what she would be eating during the day so as to not make her feel unnerved. When
it came to actually our very first meal in Paris it was fast food chicken wings,
which we shared. I can genuinely say that I cannot recollect the last time I
have eaten fast food and the fact that I ate it with no qualms really shocked
me- if my sister could do it then so could I. My biggest shock came when I
virtually matched my sister’s pace of eating, only finishing a few seconds
behind her! Being in the Disneyland theme park, we had action packed days and I
therefore had little time to think about food nor did I want to waste the
precious time we had to have fun on eating and so I won out over my Anorexia.
Now back home, the courage I had has unfortunately not resulted in a permanent
change, and the fact that I am leading dreary days indoors with little to do
means that eating slowly fills up my seemingly unending free time.
During my week in Paris, I picked
out foods from the menus which I craved; I finally felt like myself again,
eating what I wanted and not letting it be dictated by my Anorexia. I wouldn’t
say that I have recovered but I do feel a lot more confident in myself and the
closer I have got to my weight target has been a huge help too. I ate dishes
with chips, large portioned dishes and even washed them down with a well-deserved
cocktail. I even ordered dessert. I have always had a sweet tooth and had up
until this point been wary of many desserts, sticking to muffins or fruit cakes
and tarts shying away from the pastries and creamy ones. I managed to eat a
whole pain-au-chocolat each morning, as well as follow my lunch with an afternoon
snack of two generous scoops of Ben and Jerries ice-cream and finish off my
evening meal with a whole array of delicious desserts including banana splits,
crepes and waffles. The decadence was overwhelming but long awaited.
I would have expected to feel
intense guilt and a requirement to be punished by my Anorexia, but miraculously
I feel good- really good. I have learnt to accept that indulgence is not an
everyday occurrence and I am ALLOWED to enjoy food. It has to be said that
outside of a holiday environment I have yet to be brave enough to explore how
much I can push the boundaries my Anorexia has so long held over me but in time
I now know that it will be achievable; one step at a time. I know that I have
the ability to influence those around me and this pushes me towards the need to
recover, as I want to do everyone proud as well as be a motivation for others
to follow my suit. I look forward to being able to speak publically again,
having overcome the fear of only isolating my thoughts to the computer. I think
that words can be somewhat more poignant when delivered out-loud. With my
upcoming holidays I know that I must carry with me the knowledge of my accomplishments
so far and therefore not be scared to repeat them- though I have a fear of
starting to binge-eat. The more I push myself, the more comfortable it will
become. I just need the courage. Recovery is scary, but perseverance leads to
great achievements.
