Shedding the Light

Anorexic- A social taboo subject, little understood by many people. Although it is obvious by looking at me, I am facing my demons by being both embarrassed and very scared in admitting to suffering from this social stigma. Society generally categorises us by this name and shunning us for our eating disorder due to a common misunderstanding and there is a shared prejudice amongst many that sufferers are just seeking attention. Yet we are individuals. We are not ‘anorexic’ we are people like all of you who SUFFER from anorexia nervosa. This fact being difficult even for ourselves to understand as we are consumed by the illness and the disorder becomes a huge part of us, incredibly difficult to separate yourself from. It is important to distinguish us as people with an illness rather than the illness itself, of which many are afraid of due to the often frighteningly skeletal appearance of its sufferers.

The common misconception that people have is led by the naivety around the subject. Never did I have it explained to me fully to me and therefore I distinctly remember my 10 year old self believing that an anorexia sufferer survived only on glasses of water. Wrong. I wish that whilst having been in an all-girls school for the whole of my secondary school life that we would have had the opportunity to learn about the subject. My school was incredibly academically orientated, therefore putting immense pressure on all its students creating the stressful environment in which many girls found ‘comfort’ in an eating disorder to cope. The school failed miserably to deal with this huge issue due to their lack of knowledge surrounding the subject, proven when my year group were all gathered into the school hall after the toilets had been blocked with sick and told to ‘stop being so stupid’. As a society we are also led to believe that the main reason behind the illness is the media and the pressure put on us to look like the airbrushed models we see on the covers of magazines. This is an extremely superficial way of explaining how someone might come to develop an eating disorder.  I for one know the main reason for me is control, as you will come to discover as I delve deeper into my story.

For starters it is vital to understand the illness for what it really is. A sufferer of this disorder will restrict their food intake and certain food types as well as sometimes skipping meals altogether and often this is all accompanied by over-exercising. It can truly become an obsession with food where you are constantly counting calories or looking for every possible opportunity to burn the ‘extra’ calories you have consumed in the day. This is obviously a mental disorder yet it is accompanied with often very severe physical side effects with the main one being dramatic weight loss. Low weight will then leads to obvious symptoms such as constantly feeling cold or the growth of downy hair over the body and a less known one being that a girl’s period will either never start or stop as the body desperately tries to conserve energy. We all KNOW that food is sustenance- a ‘fuel for life’, yet all logical thinking is put to the side when a stronger ‘voice’ known as Anorexia has taken over. Life becomes revolved around food and exercise and every thought is consumed with the acid thoughts that you’ve eaten too much or you haven’t exercised enough for the day. Anorexia is a vicious disease that takes hold of its sufferers and fights hard against the ‘real’ and logical minded you, turning you into a shadow of yourself and often leading to depression. Death can be a tragic result of this illness if it is never taken to grips. Huge weight loss can lead to organ failure, as your body struggles to survive on the little energy it is provided with during this starvation mode. When all reserves are consumed, the body simply can no longer cope.

I am an anorexia nervosa sufferer. I was officially diagnosed in June 2011 at the age of 18 whilst taking my A-levels after seeking help from my GP. At that point I was only just accepting the fact I had the disorder after denying myself this knowledge despite having reached a worryingly low BMI of 14.8 at the time. I’d lied about eating meals and hidden some of my lunch, replacing it in cupboard so no one would notice. I won’t forget to mention my daily extensive and religious use of my step machine to burn calories. I was incredibly lucky enough to have perceptive parents and friends who cared for me and helped me to admit I had been taken control of by Anorexia despite having been very careful and secretive such is the trait that comes with this disorder. My parents forced a food diary on me where I was made to accept I had only been consuming 400 calories a day when in my mind I’d sized up my portions and honestly believed I was having the regular 2000.  I must admit since the initial diagnosis my BMI has dropped dramatically to the point where if I lose anymore I would have to become an inpatient in hospital where my food intake would be carefully monitored and controlled. It is currently January 2012 and whilst starting to write this I am still in the deep and painful search of trying to find out the underlying reasons as to why I developed Anorexia but it is a journey I am willing to share. I can therefore only speak for myself, as every experience is very very different with Anorexia Nervosa.

‘Just eat’ said a supportive friend to me. If only it was that simple. I wish someone could just make me better by uttering those two words but it doesn’t work that way. Recovery is a long and painful process and rarely can a sufferer simply wake up having suddenly snapped out of it. There are many stages to overcome before someone can even attempt to recover from such an illness and accepting you even have an eating disorder is the first step. We will fight against all awareness that the illness has taken control of our lives and therefore the denial is often very hard to overcome. Once a sufferer can accept they are no longer in control of their feelings towards food and exercise, can they truly begin to take hold of it. Recently my mum said that I just need very strong willpower, as the mind can do wonderful things making someone stronger despite potentially having a terminal disease. Yet with anorexia, it is ALL in the mind I need to overcome the demon voice which has encased the willpower into the dark and hard to access corners of my mind, before being able to let willpower empower me to recovery. Rarely can someone battle it alone. Support is necessary and in most cases required, especially as relapses in the illness are very common. Support can be found in many places where no one will judge you and you are in an environment you can trust. It is important to speak out because the illness is very secretive and strives on being secretive, but it CAN be beaten. Speaking the words out loud makes it real, something I personally found almost unbearable to accept until it was made unavoidable to me. That was where the toughest journey of my life so far became real. Recovery need not be just a fairy tale, nor only a possibility but an inevitability.