Challenge. We all know what this
word means, but to find a definition is- well- a challenge in itself isn’t it? Challenging
is a demand made to someone whereby they must show their strength and
determination in completing an arduous task. Such traits are required of a
person should they want to accomplish the challenge with a flourish, as they
are demanding to conquer in both a physical and mental way. In such situations
where your abilities are tested to their full extreme, it is easy to give up,
as the completion of the task is a chore requiring more energy than you have to
offer. This is where the fortitude of willpower is essential. Every life is
filled with challenges, whether they are big, small, quick or tedious but the
same level of satisfaction is achieved upon each of their completion. For
Anorexia Nervosa sufferers everything revolves around a challenge; we pursue
every opportunity to push ourselves and face them head on. Anorexia prospers in
a miserable environment by misleadingly disguising itself as a friend and
comfort blanket, isolating you from any true human support. Like the snake in
Genesis it malevolently coerces us to enter tasks we KNOW we cannot complete so
it can come to our ‘rescue’ upon the need to punish ourselves for our failures.
The mission to overcome and beat Anorexia is no easy feat, but every seemingly
miniscule step towards the light is an accomplishment; I must force myself to
remember this in a bid to keep me motivated for recovery. In having willingly
entered myself in the battle against Anorexia, I have since grabbed the bull by
the horns and turned the challenges it has catapulted at me to my OWN advantage
by counteracting the malicious thoughts it strives to implant in my mind. I am
no longer going to let this disorder win without putting up a fight. I have had
a taster (if you’ll pardon the pun) of what it is like to be me again and I am
neither willing nor prepared to give it up again so easily. So I have compelled
myself to set a string of daily challenges that I MUST and WILL complete in
order to keep ploughing forward in recovery.
My parents have been constantly
vigilant of everything that I consume throughout the day since realising that I
could not be left utterly to my own devices. They do however, let me get on
more or less with what I feel comfortable eating. Though it took them a long
time- through a natural desire to protect their child- they reluctantly
relinquished their power over what I chose to eat (not how much though!). It has therefore only been upon my own
decision that I would decide to accomplish a task involving ‘forbidden’ food. Rather
traditionally, my family and I would always gather for dinner together in the
evening, sharing our day with one another and bond over the home cooked food my
parents always had prepared for us. I disrupted this familiar pattern by
letting Anorexia selfishly intrude in meal-times and destroyed any jovial
family chatter there might have been around the table. The competitive jibes I
would make about my ‘larger’ portion size would tumble out without restraint
and the incessant wariness required to keep the comments they made on my eating
habits at bay at the risk of offending me, caused a tension-filled environment;
it was far from ideal for our family bonding. I even went as far as developing
a ridiculous sense of jealousy when my dog did not eat her food. Fortunately my
competitiveness increasingly died down over time, as I was eating a different
meal to my family at dinner- though it did create a bizarre setting whereby I
would never be eating the same thing. My refusal to eat their food might have
seemed somewhat offensive to my parents who would painstakingly slave away in
the kitchen after a hard day’s work; they never complained however, as they
were just glad I was eating. I hate being the odd one out and the fact I was
eating so differently to them (having it regularly rendered obvious when my dad
would innocently mention ‘what you’re having smells nice tonight, what is it?’)
would uncomfortably draw attention to me whilst eating at meal times. I must
therefore return to normality by eating home-cooked food again. It would be the
biggest shame for me to continue denying myself the foods I had so loved whilst
growing up- my parents being particularly gifted cooks. I have therefore in the
past couple of weeks decided to eat the same meal as my family at least twice a
week. So the series of challenges began.
