Comeback Kid

Return. Depending on the initial situation, the return of something can be regarded as either a positive or negative event. When we have been left with good memories, being presented with the recurrence of a particularly joyous circumstance, we can be overwhelmed with a sense of relief or even rejoice in its appearance. However, pair the return to a negative and sometimes dangerous situation, the fear of a comeback with all its associated feelings and subsequent results can be hard to handle. For an Anorexia sufferer in recovery, the gradual and unpremeditated reappearance of Anorexic traits can drive your self-belief in achieving a full recovery to an all time low.  However, in such circumstances and for whatever reason behind the apparent regression, being optimistic is key. By looking for the positive aspects around you, you can eventually pick yourself up and fight it; you have already proved that you are strong enough to do so.

With the Christmas holidays looming, the end of my first semester of my second year at university could not come any sooner. My return to university was plagued with ups and downs that shaped how well I would cope with all the hurdles that were to come. Friendships played a big part in the outcomes. Letting my guard down is very hard for me to do, therefore having previously been disappointed when revealing myself to people so entirely, I have reservations about doing so in order to avoid being hurt again.  However, I allowed myself to begin to trust certain people during my final months of university before summer. Of course long breaks between seeing people can be hard and sometimes detrimental, and I was in fact to be bitterly disappointed with what I was to come back to. Fortunately I have not wallowed over this, as it was put into disregard by the reinforcement of friendships with more reliable people I had around me.

Unfortunately, with the return to university came the return of me weighing my food out to check portion sizes again. I religiously weigh out most foods so I know exactly how much I am having and essentially counting up my daily calorie intake. It is hard to be fully in charge of what I am eating again, rather than having the comfort of knowing that I am being served the same food and amount as everyone else (such is the situation at home). Being in a house this year with a group of girls who are completely understanding of what I have been through these past few years, has helped me in not feeling ashamed of my eating habits. I could not have asked for anything more, as I feel I can be comfortable eating in my own home without any questioning glances. Relaxing whilst eating in public is a big step I have had to overcome and it took me a while to do so, as I originally took to eating alone in my room. This however, led to me feeling left out in a lot of the social situations that were occurring throughout the house. With my growing confidence and trust in the girls, this problem is no longer in effect.

My stress levels recently have been skyrocketing. It is unclear to me whether having come off the anti-depressants over summer has played a part in how I am now dealing with the stress or not. There is no given reason for the way I am reacting to the amount of work I feel I have to do, as I feel I dealt with it in a much more positive manner last year. This is certainly having an effect on my mood and I feel bad for the way I take it out on those around me, especially my housemates. They have had to live with someone who, holes herself in her room working for hours on end, and having little conversation to contribute upon exposing myself to social situations. I want and NEED to break out of the rut I am creating in order to feel better about myself and live the carefree student life I am supposed to be leading.

On a lighter notes, I have returned to one of my favorite hobbies after 3 long years; dancing.  When I quit dancing, it was to focus on my A level exams and it played a part in my development of Anorexia. Beginning to dance again felt so good, as I got the immediate rush of freedom dance brings to you. When I dance I can forget all my troubles, so this has definitely been a huge stress relief. However, I find myself getting distressed by the newfound limitations of my body. Three years is a long time to go without exercise, especially after muscle wastage due to my Anorexia so I have to be patient in the time it will take to regain even a semblance of the dance abilities I used to possess. I am however, taking this return to exercise slowly, as I am unsure how it will affect my weight in relation to the way I nourish myself nutritionally. It is hard to know exactly how much I need to adapt my diet in order to compensate for the increased activity. So far I think I am dealing well but only time will tell and I am determined to keep on top of it. The exercise is NOT for weight loss; it is merely a normal desire to live a healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.

 

These last few months of studying have been hard going but I was given the opportunity of a welcome break on my 21^st birthday in November. What better way to turn 21, than to celebrate in my all time favorite city- New York. Getting to visit the Big Apple after falling in love with its atmosphere and general life-style three years ago was one of the biggest highlights in a long time. Spending my birthday with my whole family together was also a bonus, as it has unfortunately become too much of a rarity. When I first visited, my Anorexia had already begun to take hold of me and therefore I really restricted myself when it came to food. In America, when it comes to portions it’s all about ‘go big or go home’, so this time round- with no inhibitions- I really let lose in what I ate. I made sure I ate what I WANTED, and not what I thought would have fewer calories (if that is even possible in America!!); this was only accentuated by my choice of an all you can eat steak house for my birthday dinner.

Finally feeling I have the time to write again has been of a huge benefit to me. As I come to the end of writing this post, I feel somewhat freer in having admitted to the potential problems I have not been entirely able to express aloud. It is always hard to feel that I am unwittingly regressing into the old habits that stem from my Anorexia due to me using it as a coping mechanism for the many stresses I have around me. I want to be strong and I want to continue to be an inspiration for recovery to those around me. I feel I am letting everyone down, as I have not yet completely let go of the illness I have been convincing myself and others I have left behind. I know that I should not be too hard on myself, yet because I know that I have the capability to combat it I feel that I should want to but it is hard to let go of that final comfort. The time will come though, I am certain of it…

Stuck in the Mud

Stationary. The word signifies non-movement, whether it is your body, your life or simply a moment in time. There are different reasons to fear an instant in your lifetime where you feel stagnant and unable to move forward with ambition or with a task at hand that you know must be completed. However, there are also many reasons to relish such a time, when things seem so perfect you dare not move on at the risk of losing all that is good in that snapshot in time. In both cases there really is naught to be afraid of yet, how can we move forward if no path has been made available to us? How can we afford to leave behind all that is good when only darkness lies ahead? Both aspects are rife on the road to recovery from Anorexia, we become so comfortable in our rituals that it is hard to let go of a pattern we have so long followed and has actually worked for us. Yet also at times, when we are ready to move forwards, we find we are stuck in a rut that is virtually impossible to get out of. The key is patience and a belief that ahead is where the happiness lies.

After completing my first year of university I decided to give myself the whole of the summer off- 3 months of complete freedom. I had accepted that the months that lay ahead would be difficult to start with; I was happy at university surrounded by people I had come to trust and get along well with and so the knowledge that I would be leaving this incredible environment behind was tough. I was afraid that over this long period away things would change, but I have faith in my new friends and know that time apart means nothing. Though the idea of coming from different counties all over England had seemed so exciting, it became daunting in the face of this looming break. I was hopeful however in what home had to offer. But, I almost immediately regretted my choice to do nothing all summer, my friends at home had all taken the bold move to work over the summer, had holidays booked or were simply busy, whilst I sat idle at home. The timing could not have been worse, as I had just taken the decision to stop taking my anti-depressants and was in the process of changing contraceptive pill; my emotions were all over the place.

For 2 months I was perpetually alone with few moments of solace whereby I actually had something to do and it really took its toll. I started to feel like I was slipping into my depression again and became snappy and rude with my whole family. I was also counting calories with a renewed enthusiasm whilst trying to find tiny way in which to cut back my intake. In my mind I was doing no exercise to speak of so I did not require such large amounts of food for sustenance; this went hand in hand with a lack of appetite as a result of my boredom. I kept strong though and I did not allow it to take full control, whilst both my parents noticed the dip in my mood and ability to eat. My mum, who has been ill recently, dealt with it badly due to her own stress so I do not blame her for shouting at me one night that I had become Anorexic again. But to hear such a thing was heart wrenching, as I have worked so hard in my recovery and I will NOT go back there. My dad sat me down and asked me what was going on and I subsequently had a breakdown in which I admitted to him how miserable I had been at home and how I felt I needed to exercise. Unfortunately I feel my body has become useless, I tried the cross-trainer and lasted a mere 10 minutes which disheartened me; my stamina has left me and so has any health I may once have had. I am at a loss at having to start from scratch with something that requires so much motivation when my body seems to be working against me and so it is taking time for me to build the courage to find an exercise type I feel I can be accomplished at.     

My family holiday to Egypt therefore, could not have come at a better time. Though people may have thought that my mood prior to departure would have caused me to feel intimidated when facing the seemingly unlimited  choices of food in the buffets for breakfast, lunch AND dinner, I was enthusiastic as I know I am always able to escape into a world of comfort when I am away from home. Indeed, once on holiday I shed all the troubles I had and was fully able to make the most of the sun, sand, sea and of course the food. It is bizarre how much my emotions, which had been diving down at an alarming rate, could so suddenly pick up yet I am nothing but grateful for the time I spent there. I am proud to admit I had my favourite of pancakes for breakfast everyday over the 2 weeks and was unafraid to try all the foods and especially desserts the hotel had to offer. I never felt once that I had limited myself due to my fear of eating too much and putting on excessive weight, yet this may have been linked to the fact I took part in the daily activity of aqua-aerobics. Being home since (though for a short time) has been hard, but I am nowhere near in the same shape as I was before the holiday. So I thank my mum and dad for making it possible for me to escape.

Though I still have a month left of my summer ‘holiday’ before term starts again, I am more optimistic for what the next few weeks have to bring. I have a week in France visiting the family ahead of me, and this time round I am adamant to not be afraid of my grandma’s vast meals. I plan to make the most of the time I have really trying to perk up before embarking on another year at university. If there is one thing I regret since I have come home from Egypt however, is my inability to support my best friend on her fundraiser. She had planned a curry night to which I of course was invited. Though I initially accepted I did not think through the implications, yes I have eaten curry since my recovery, but I have not attempted this at a restaurant. I consistently have an image in my mind of a documentary that was filmed in an Indian restaurant and after seeing the excessive amounts of oils used in the restaurant cuisine, I have been put off. I would have attempted it for her sake had it not been the fact that I had just returned from eating so much on holiday; I needed a break. I have been stuck in a stationary rut all summer and I feel it is time to move on. I hope to remain on my road uphill and fight for my completed recovery with renewed passion. I am still taking time but there will come the day when I can admit to being fully free of my demons.      

Weeks of Weak

Vulnerability. For many of us the idea of revealing our weaknesses makes us shiver with the thought of them potentially being used against us. We therefore put on a façade of a tough exterior; we appear almost emotionless. When I was first writing my blog, I was scared of revealing my Achilles’ heel; my downfall with Anorexia, yet I felt it a necessity as I was carrying my illness as a banner through my emaciated frame. For many Eating Disorder sufferers, we have so long thrived in the secrecy of what we are doing to ourselves, that the idea of exposing it to the outside world is terrifying. This poses a problem when we are seeking help in recovery. If we are too afraid to speak out loud of our weakness with our disorder, then how can we ask for the necessary help? It is a fear that you cannot push someone to overcome, as not everyone feels they have the ability to be strong to bare all for others to judge. The ability to divulge your limitations comes with courage and an infallible trust in people.  

Since Easter, my life has been a rollercoaster full of numerous hurdles I was determined to overcome as well as the inevitable highs. My last term of my first year at university kicked off with significantly low motivation regarding my studies after finding out I was not chosen to go forward with the conversion to Dentistry. I therefore sought to focus more on the social aspect of university; a feature I had neglected during my midterm exams around January, due to my determination to succeed. With this came the building of closer friendships and eventually, complete trust in people. I believe my stubbornness in appearing head-strong at all times comes from my dad who rarely reveals his weaknesses in a bid to remain strong for his family. With this therefore, I find it hard to directly tell people how I am feeling. With spoken words comes a display of emotion, hence my preference to write down my thoughts and feelings. Instead people will read my words without me revealing the effort it took for me to put them on a page. Finding someone I trust so resolutely to be able to talk so openly to has always been tough for me. Therefore, recently, when I have found that my defences and barriers had been lowered unnoticed, I was surprised to find that I was able to trust again. Showing emotion and sharing my feelings has felt so alien, yet comforting as I know I will not be rebuked for it. I am grateful to know I have someone there.

Last week I got the great opportunity to return yet again to my old school to talk to 13-14 year old girls about eating disorders and specifically Anorexia. I wanted to share with them my experiences whilst suffering, whilst also educating them on what an eating disorder actually was. The courage it took to stand in front of a group people and reveal to them so openly how weak I had once been was near impossible to conjure up; it was terrifying. Yet knowing that I may have got through to even that single person made the whole experience more than worth it. I write my blogs to help others and so being able to see a direct effect of what I have to say on the girls’ faces was extremely rewarding. I was thanked. I was called an inspiration. Though I can deal with their gratitude for what I did, I still find it very hard to be considered an inspiration. I used to feel that if I had not been so weak in the first place to succumb to Anorexia then I wouldn’t be in the position in the first place, therefore why should I be honoured for a weakness? Slowly, I am beginning to understand that people are in fact celebrating my ability to overcoming such a tough phase in my life; my strength in recovering whilst empowering others to follow suit in the process.

Not so long ago, my sister and I were lucky enough to go on a week long holiday to Barcelona together. After a year apart, whilst I have been at university, it was nice to be able to spend time together again, despite the inevitable sibling bickering that occurs. During our stay, it reminded me just how much leaving the monotony of life at home behind changes my mind set and empowers me to try new things. We were eating extremely well whilst in Spain; it is hard not to! On one or two occasions, I was faced with a lot of bread and though in the back of my mind I did get a slight urge to not eat it, it was quickly forgotten as my want to eat the delicious foods overcame the voice. My sister was more or less eating exactly the same and it was definitely not harming her, so why shouldn’t I make the most of the food this beautiful country had to offer me. My pride in myself continues when I was able to eat quite a lot of cheese for enjoyment and felt little guilt once I had eaten it. Although I do not feel ready to introduce bread or cheese into my staple diet back home yet, I am still content that I did not miss out because of my Anorexia. That is a huge leap for me.

Yet again this term I was faced with dreadful exams. Knowing I had done so well last time not only in results but also in dealing with the stress without resulting to restricting food as a ‘coping mechanism’, made me feel bolder that I could do it again. I have still been more or less counting the number of calories I consume per day since I started doing so again in January, however I still do not let this influence how much I eat per day. It is still an element of control in the Anorexia no matter how much I try to argue to myself that it is out of curiosity. Another element that has slowly been cropping up throughout the year now that I am at a healthy weight is exercise. When I have mentioned my want to begin exercising again, I have had different reactions. Those who realise that it is not a want borne from a desire to lose weight but a want to tone up to the way I used to be when I was a dancer and regain some form of stamina and fitness, have encouraged me. Yet there has been scepticism from others until I explain my reasoning to them. I know I am not fat and at a good weight. I will admit that recently I have feared for the amount I eat compared to the amount of energy I dispense. Now that the summer holidays have arrived for me, I am no longer required to leave the house as much as well as having a car at my disposal when I do so. It has therefore been playing on my mind quite a lot and am as of yet still unsure what to make of this situation.

Though I have been faced with admitting to my weaknesses recently, as well as having my surface broken down to reveal the emotional side of me inside, I do not feel in any way vulnerable. I have exposed everything I have got and people can make of it anything they wish to, but it is in being entirely honest that people have come to respect who I am. I have been through so much in the past that, though I am not indifferent to what people think of me, I feel I have strength to overcome being influenced to change my ways to conform to what they would probably like better. This strength is only consolidated with knowing I have trust in people and that they will carry me through the times when I do doubt myself. I have strength only through revealing my weaknesses.

Blushing Pride

Embarrassment. When we undergo an experience that we believe will be judged by others in a negative way and will hinder our appearance to others, we feel a rush of shame course through us. More often than not, it is our own fears of how we are perceived by the public that causes this emotion rather than how people would generally react to such a situation. Our discomfort can take on a physical form, flooding our faces with a noticeable blush making matters somewhat worse. However, in many cases our mortification can remain internal eating away at us by telling us that everyone will laugh or use this against us to make us seem weaker. It is our pride that will encourage us to avoid humiliation and internalise a lot of the thoughts and feelings we believe to be too shameful to reveal to others. As a recovering Anorexia sufferer, I find myself often ashamed of admitting that I have suffered from an eating disorder which is wrongly regarded by many as a bid to lose weight or demand for attention. I would rather not draw attention to my disorder, as I constantly fear that it will highlight the issues I still have with eating certain foods or the way I eat particular things. It is however, in admitting that I have this weakness that I can empower others to seek help and recover themselves from this vicious mental disease.

The past couple of months for me have been host to some highs in my recovery as well as some lows. Before the start of the month long Easter holidays, I was remaining stuck inside my university room fearing eating outside of the comforts of the four walls I knew to be safe in. I became embarrassed of the way I ate or the length of time it took and I therefore avoided eating my home cooked food in public (I oddly seem to not have an issue with restaurant food). I believe that that this irrational feeling was borne from the fact that, at home, I feel I should be able to eat the way I want to without the feeling of pressure to eat a certain way so as not to be judged. The ridiculousness of the situation arises when I realise just how supportive everyone I live with is and so it is my mission to regain confidence in myself again and eat out. I still feel that a lot of the choices I make in my social life do revolve around me making time to eat and giving myself plenty of leeway in which to do so, this clearly hinders me a lot. I am therefore forcing myself to be a lot more spontaneous in my plans and realise that my life does NOT revolve around food. This is why, just before I left university for my time off I started to really push myself to go out with friends and stop looking for pointless excuses to avoid it no matter how understanding I knew they would be about it. I was harming only myself.

Having been given the opportunity to try again for Dentistry last month by being awarded an interview, I really built up my hopes that I would finally achieve my dream and I was proud of myself after my tough year. I foolishly decided to share my pride with many people so that they could share in my happiness, as they are all aware of just how ambitious I am to make it in the dental profession. Unfortunately I was, yet again, turned down. At first, came the despair that I had yet again had my hopes raised only to be dashed so cruelly at such a close stage. Yet, this soon gave way to the humiliation that I had been so confident in my abilities that I had led others to believe that I was capable of becoming a dentist. The admission of failure does not come easy to anyone, so to have to explain to every person who was rooting for me that I was unable to live up my own expectations has been mortifying. In a way I am proud of how far I managed to get and that I was selected to even have an interview, but when this amounts to nothing I realise that I have not really achieved anything.

 

Being so hard on myself through my failure to fulfil my aspirations, my second ski trip of the year could not have come at a better time. I have always found skiing to be a way to clear my mind of all my troubles and so given the opportunity to go with my university for a week over Easter, I jumped at the chance. Obviously the food issue crossed my mind more than once in the run up to this holiday. I would be going with people who, although knew my situation, did not really know the extent to which I was still suffering from anxiety with food. I need not have worried however, as I was so comfortable around everyone that the embarrassment I had been harbouring for so long dissipated and I was able to thoroughly enjoy the food I was eating. Every lunch time we ate on the slopes at various restaurants and so having no idea of the foods that would be available for me to eat and aware that mountain food quantities are somewhat large (verging on stateside) doused in rich cheese, I really had to challenge myself. Looking through the menu took me a long time, as in my mind I debated taking my Anorexia’s choice of what I knew to be the least calorific option against the food I really craved to eat. Most of the time I won over and I truly ate decadent food with little discomfort, as I knew the others around me were eating similar quantities and I had been exercising whilst skiing all day.

I however, must dedicate a paragraph to the pizza I ate whilst I was in the French Alpes and the pizza, as everyone is aware, is based around bread and cheese- my biggest ‘no-go’ foods. I had my first taste of a pizza since becoming ill back in February on my ski holiday with the family and so I had been able to enjoy it in the comfort of my own family. The pizza had been my choice despite there being other foods available on the menu that I would have felt more comfortable eating. When with the university however, on the last day my group of friends and I decided on a pizza for lunch before the long road back home and to reality. Walking around we could not find any pizzerias and so, the rest of the group decided that they would like to go for a takeaway pizza instead at one of the small stands we had found. I was initially very reluctant and tried to find any restaurant that might serve pizzas as I wanted the pizza I ate to be my own choice and if I chickened out I would have plenty of other options to choose from. I abated my own need for control of the situation so that my peers could enjoy what THEY wanted. Without thinking, upon ordering my pizza, I chose the 6 cheese pizza. I regret my decision to this day. The pizza base though very thin, was laden with a thick layer of cheese, which everyone hastened to notice when I began eating. I am embarrassed to admit I actually enjoyed it but I have thought about that choice with much discomfort ever since. Why was I so foolish to go for the pizza with so much cheese when I KNOW I do not eat it? Though, being one pizza, it obviously had no effect on my weight whatsoever, it is the fact I felt so weak as to actually eat so much cheese with ease that fills me with shame.

My dad recently admitted to me that he was unaware that I was still so concerned with the number of calories within food. I have never knowingly given off the impression that I was more recovered that I really am, but it embarrassed me to have to confess that the thoughts are still very much there and always have been. Having also recently been to visit my therapist for the first time since being discharged, I was afraid that she would be disappointed that I might not have come as far as she might have hoped since we ended our therapy sessions. Hand on my heart; I acknowledge that I am still in recovery despite being a lot healthier and in a better place than I was many months ago.  It is not easy for me to tell people that I am still afraid of certain foods or eating at particularly fast speeds, as I feel it makes me feel I’m being childish or even fussy by trying to draw attention to myself. Fortunately, I have come a long way in the recovery that the shame is waning, as I slowly get closer and closer to truly being better.