Sufferer. Notice the term I’ve
used to describe those of us unfortunate enough to develop the vicious mental
illness known as Anorexia Nervosa. The Oxford Dictionary mildly describes it as
a verb where you ‘experience something bad’, but no definition can truly convey
how powerful the meaning of the word really is. The word can pretty much
describe every emotional aspect that comes with anorexia and has never rung
truer in my opinion after the week I have just experienced. After receiving
such positive feedback from my blog, I had lulled myself into a false sense of
security and to me, revealing my notions on feeling weak upon showing
vulnerability from emotion seemed a logical enough step. I felt stronger from
the support everyone was showing. There is an incredible irony therefore, in
the events of the past week where I was attacked verbally by a woman whilst at
work and was directly called an ‘anorexic’ as if I was a vile creature instead
of a human being. No matter how tough I like to appear on the exterior and
nonchalant about my condition, I was unprepared for such a horrible attack and
it hurt. It has made me come to believe that I am weak, I should have been
stronger and not let the woman make me cry; but most of all I should not have
been weak enough to let anorexia take over my mind.
There are many physical and
psychological symptoms that allow anorexia to have the verb ‘to suffer’
describe its victims. This illness traps you in your mind and leads your
logical self to view survival in a different light. Eating is a basic human
instinct and essential in order to live, however despite having studied Biology
A-level and therefore having an advanced knowledge of the body’s requirements
and uses for energy, as a sufferer my illness has imprisoned this, leading me
to see food as an enemy rather than a ‘medicine’ for my recovery. Obviously, no
matter how well written a first-hand account of anorexia may be, the whole
experience is just so hard to describe in words to a healthy person. I have
been asked many times why I can’t just focus my energy and determination into
recovery as opposed to using it in the negative, controlling and restrictive
way I have. I can answer this honestly: when you find something you are good at
(for me restriction) it is ever so hard to give it up, a feeling I’m sure is
shared by many. To me, my relapse this summer after my first attempt at
recovering, became another factor on my mental list of failures. Making a trade
from an aspect I KNOW I am good at and am sure will work to recovery, which has
let me down before, is near impossible. I am very hard on myself and due to the
many failures in my eyes, I tend to search for a quick burst of satisfaction,
very much like the ones I achieve by controlling my food intake. I have however
used my determination to begin the steps to recovery, unfortunately I’m aware
that my heart and soul aren’t completely ready to accommodate the food intake
for weight restoration, no matter how much I would like to appear normal again.
