Survival. In Darwinian terms,
those fittest for survival, endure the many tests thrown at them and go on to
exist. Survival is a necessary human instinct and the one that drives us to run
away in face of danger. However, what happens when the only option is to head
forwards amidst the perils? Will only the strongest survive, or do we each have
the capability to fight our way through and ultimately end up safely on the
other side? No one can lead a meaningful existence by continuously bypassing threats
and no one has been able to do so no matter how confident they may appear on
the outside. The risks involved in the challenge are what lead us to shy away
from the fight but we must stop acting vulnerable and believe that we are
strong enough to survive. Anorexia turns your life upside down and your
priorities shift. No longer is it essential for your body to persist, but more
for your Anorexia to thrive within your mind. Having once dreamed of making
something of my life and going to university, suddenly my entire existence was
reliant on how many calories I was eating and whether I was consuming too much.
Over the year I watched my body perish and the dreams went away with it too. I
would have never envisaged myself where I am now. One year on fighting and surviving
against Anorexia.
My move to university has been
one that has irreversibly changed me for the better. Of course I was worried
about how I would cope in such a different environment surrounded by people I did
not know and who had the capability to judge my past. Away from home, I would encounter
a huge test in having to cook and ascertain regular portions for myself without
being under the watchful eye of my reassuring parents; I would have complete
control. In that way I was determined to prove my inner strength and not to let
the Anorexia overwhelm me once more, as I am still aware of its persistent
presence. Without the satisfaction of knowing that I have fully beaten it, what
would a drastic change in environment and an eruption of emotions cause? It is
understandable for me to have felt concerned in this way, yet I should learn to
trust in my ability to retain self-control. But, being conscious of the fact
that my disorder arose when I was last studying, I had no idea what a return to
education would entail.
Like any normal student I was
worried about the cliché of not making friends, yet my fear was further spiked
with my eating disorder history. Having ‘paraded’ my eating disorder for a year
through my former skeletal appearance, I had gotten used to just assuming that
people knew I was ill. However, my weight restoration so far is such that I merely
look slim and it is not immediately apparent how much I have suffered. This
posed a dilemma; do I reveal I am recovering from Anorexia to people I have
only just met? Or do I keep this a secret? The thought had not even crossed my
mind until I was faced with admission, as prior to this I had never been
ashamed of how I fought my way out of the disorder. It is a very personal thing
to admit to having suffered from a mental disorder, simply because I am aware
of just how naïve people can be about it and I was embarrassed by the thought
that people would believe I was just one of ‘those girls’ who wanted to be
thin. I am not and never will be. It is natural for people to start off a
friendship with small talk and asking questions, the most common one being ‘what
did you do in your gap year?’. It is at this point that I can either admit to having
taken the year out to recover or produce a vague white lie that I worked to ‘gain
money’. It has never been my intention to keep my Anorexia hidden, but at what
point is it appropriate to introduce it into a new friendship without making
them run away or let it distinguish you as a person. At what cost would my
revelation come?
The toughest aspect for me has
been adaptation. I used to have such a strict regime as to when I would eat
lunch, when I would have my snack and how long afterwards I would have my
dinner, yet I have had to become much more flexible and drop the rigidity I had
developed. Not only would my schedule have my lectures to contend with, but I did
not want to appear like a food freak in front of my new flat mates. Fortunately,
I had befriended the girls over facebook prior to my move to Newcastle and each
one was aware and extremely understanding of my Anorexia after I advised them
to read my blog. I was immensely grateful for their reaction and I could not
have hoped to share a flat with better people; I felt safe going to university.
I was more apprehensive revealing it to the boys, whom I was unsure as to how
they would react, so of course, it was revealed on a drunken night during
Freshers Week. I do not regret them all knowing as it was inevitable for them
to find out but the way in which they each maturely handled the information was
touching. I’m glad that I have got it out of the way with them and we can
formulate close friendships on the basis of trust and I would be comfortable
going to them with any issues I felt I was having regarding my eating habits. I
am in safe hands and I only really have them to thank for this security.
Drinking alcohol was always going
to be a grey area in my mind. After being tee-total for an entire year at the
fear of the ‘unnecessary’ empty calories in such beverages, I was not sure how I
would fair drinking socially. It is a big part of university in my mind
although it is not essential to have a good time and make friends. I did not
however, want to have to limit myself from something I would have had no second
thoughts of consuming before I was ill and so I decided that it would be the
least of my concerns. I did of course have to be mindful of my limits now that
I was at a much lower body weight and had a low tolerance following the
abstinence. Not once did I feel pressurised to drink more than I should or
wanted to, which meant that my flat mates and I were all on the same level and
we could all respect one-another. Without a second thought, I have managed to
drink wine and have spirits mixed with full fat energy drinks. This would have
been impossible for me a couple of months ago. I am more relaxed and there is a
noticeable change within me.
Now that food and strict weight
restoration is no longer my biggest concern, it is bizarre to notice just how
much my eating habits have evolved. I no longer need to take an entire hour to
eat a soup, yogurt and fruit and I vary my diet a lot more, albeit being a
student with a meagre budget. But, I am blessed with two amazing parents who
will ensure that I will always have enough food to keep me healthy. It has been hard
to stick to my guns and eat three regular meals a day when others around me
could skip meals with no harm to themselves, but I finally realise the
necessity of providing my body with enough energy now that I am more active if I
am to survive at university and thrive. I have the potential to do well and I cannot
let it be jeopardised once again by my foolish inability to feed myself
correctly.
I have not felt attractive in
ever so long due to what I can only describe as my skin and bone appearance. I
was a long way past being merely chiselled, so who would find my horrifying carcass
look appealing? It was a novelty therefore, to arrive in this new environment
only finally looking relatively healthy and find that I was in fact somewhat
pleasant to look at. I am used to being looked at in a shocked and disgusted
way and in a way, I expect people to still react in that way; who can forget
the judgemental and unabashed stares I received from passers-by and so it was
strange to receive appreciative looks. Since being here, I have left behind the
shy girl who would isolate herself in her room and shy away from any attention.
I am finally finding myself again. Solene survived despite the invasion of the
Anorexia and has come out stronger. I am in control, but in a healthy way by
directing my future towards a prosperous one. I have new friends and undoubtedly
new hurdles to overcome up ahead but they do not frighten me; I fight for my
survival.
