Peace. Reaching a state whereby
there is no longer any conflict is a somewhat idealistic notion due to the odds
of there consistently being mutual agreements between each individual being
classified statistically impossible. However, setting the bar for a lower
standard of serenity can be achievable if not equally as satisfying. I am of
course referring to the luxury of peace of mind. We all aspire to remain at a
level of contentment, where envying those we feel are more fortunate than us is
a far off nuisance we are beyond fretting about. Though some will claim they
have attained this desired state and believe they live comfortably free of
dispute, an occasion will inevitably arise where we must debate with ourselves
whether we are making the right decisions to maintain our morality. We have
been graced with freewill and therefore it is our right to make our own
choices. Hence, we will cope with weighing up differing choices. Yet what
happens when a conflicting voice such as Anorexia enters the scenario? The
introduction of what we might see as a ‘third party’ can disrupt the
tranquillity we have built up and our choices no longer become our own, as we
are forced into not simply acknowledging but conforming to the masochistic
views of the Anorexia. Our desires are left to rot under the new regime the
disorder has created, yet as with any war a rebellion can be staged by bitterly
fighting to push out the invader; what little hope and glimmer of our former
selves that remains is enough with adequate support. Anorexia will not cave unless
it is confronted; combatting harder when threatened and so a battle within the
ruptured mind must ensue in order to expel it from your conscience. Whilst
waging the war against this brute, I have become far more resilient and stronger
than I ever was before. If I was forced into admitting that Anorexia has served
a purpose whilst leaving me with a positive outcome then it would be that of no
longer being so weak as to succumbing to an eating disorder to cope with
stress.
In divulging so honestly my
experience with an eating disorder, I demolished my protective barrier and left
myself open to be criticised and therefore hurt by those reading what I had to
say. I never really stopped to contemplate what my sincerity could lead to and
that people with whom I had previously socialised with would be initiated into
the inner working of my troubled mind.
Though I have undeniably had very positive feedback along the way, only
the supportive comments have been available and open to me publically. This
leaves me with the paranoid question of, what are those who might ridicule my
writing saying without my knowledge. I haven’t previously had reason to
deliberate over the integrity of my readers, as I have valued their wholesome
support with relish. Yet, a misunderstanding that took place this past week
whereby the comments I have received for my work had been mimicked and mocked
by an acquaintance, made me wonder whether this was a single case. I took the
scorning very personally and was initially hurt that someone could make a joke out
of such a tender subject. I am not against a difference of opinion, but when it
comes down to sheer mockery, I do not believe there is really any moral
reasoning behind it. I chose to rise above the ignorance portrayed on the
subject and it served to make me more determined to get my point across that
Anorexia is not a joke nor a mere cry for attention.
Having been back from my holiday
for over a week now, I have truly been able to reap the benefits of what a few
days away from my turbulent life have been able to achieve. Previously stating
that there is no overnight change in the way an Anorexia sufferer will think or
perceive food still holds true, as recovery is a slow process not made through
spontaneous decisions. However, what I had failed to experience up until now is
how much completely disrupting a daily routine can alter the way you
subsequently carry out your life. I was literally thrown into the deep end,
with no time to dip in my toes lightly before taking the plunge. I went from
knowing more or less how many calories I consumed a day and keeping track of it
in my food diary, to having no clue or even a desire to know the ‘absurd’
amount of calories that were surging through my body over the holiday. In
coming back I have abandoned my food diary, feeling that I no longer have a use
for it, as I am confident I am attaining a healthy level of nutrition (if not
going beyond, translated through my continued successful weight restoration).
My diary was like a holy grail to me, as it provided a comfort in the notion of
control and relieved me of the stress of not knowing what I was going to eat
throughout the day, as each meal including snacks were planned a week in
advance. This has been a huge step for me, as the knowledge of my daily calorie
consumption has been my comfort blanket for the past year but I feel bare without
it but far more mature that I can now handle my own daily nutrition.
A subsequent result of ditching
the rigid control I had over the food I was to eat throughout the day has
enabled me to relinquish my stubborn need to weigh everything including my
morning apple juice and fruit; this is undoubtedly a further encouraging step
towards my freedom. I have even been able to eat my mum’s own vinaigrette
salad-dressing, which is rich in olive oil. Constantly deliberating over my
next meal and when it will be used to govern my social life and every task I
was to partake in would HAVE to be in sync with my specific eating patterns as
well as factor in the length of time it would take me to finish a meal. Over
the past couple of weeks, though I still prefer to take my time when I eat, as
I feel force-fed and gluttonous if I was to ‘shovel’ my food down my throat, I
have accepted to try a different eating schedule. Instead of a soup for lunch
and a larger meal at dinner, I have managed to consume two regular meals
consisting of similar portions to that of the rest of my family. I have even
set myself the task of eating deserts, which would have been unheard of before
going to Florida. I will admit to having overwhelming cravings for these
decadent treats before my holiday, but the joy I received from resisting them
far out-weighed the guilt I would inevitably be forced to endure should I have succumbed.
It took the change of environment to nudge me in the right direction. In a
different country you are introduced to foods that are not readily available to
you back home and therefore it is almost like a duty to try them whilst you
still can. You only live once. A liberated person would try it spontaneously
without thinking; I on the other hand had to psyche myself up to beat the
Anorexic thoughts before indulging. I must remember deserts are a treat and not
an enemy purely there to clog up your arteries and make you appear weak and void
of any willpower- if anything they can do nothing but good for me at my current
weight. I need not have a desert every day, but should I want one I must learn
not refrain due to fear or most importantly the Anorexia’s delight.
My mind is still not inhabited by
me alone. The Anorexia though feeble is infuriatingly tenacious and despite the
many warnings that the Anorexia might never leave me be, I hope with my entire being
to obliterate it. Even if I am offered to try a spoonful of food or merely dip
my finger in to taste, the Anorexia will still count it as a calorie allowance
I have exhausted and so it is something I abstain myself from. It is
frustrating not to be able to act normally and eat things without it having
been premeditated beforehand; I want to drive out the grating voice that tells
me I do not deserve to indulge and makes me feel weak if I do. The amount of
congratulations I received after my revelations last week was surprising, however
being told not to fear my progress and being encouraged to do it again made me
feel somewhat pressurised. I do not want to disappoint others or myself if I am
unable to follow through with what I am believed to be capable of now
achieving. I am still restricting myself on the condiments bread and cheese-
these having been the first to go. I do aim to one day eat bread with enjoyment
again and eventually accept the idea of cheese, though I do not think cheese
will ever become part of my daily diet again- it may seem like a shame but it
is a compromise I think I will have to make in my recovery. I will continue to
fight the Anorexia, in no way am I going to accept it still having a place in
my mind even if it is to be locked away tightly. I am slowly phasing the voice
out and becoming more accomplished at ignoring it but I will not stop until it
has gone.
