Pride.
These days this word is often used in conjunction with an arrogant individual,
however how can we deny someone the right to be proud of themselves for
accomplishing an event they did not think themselves capable of. When it comes
to recovery from Anorexia, pride will often be accompanied with guilt. Why
should we feel joy in eating an ‘unsafe’ food we had so long been ecstatic in
our ability to cut out? It is necessary to overcome the natural urges from the
Anorexia and see how amazing it is that after suffering for so long, to have
that first slice of bread. At first hearing the congratulations from others
fills you with a self-loathing that drives you to feel the need to compensate
for such ‘garish’ behaviour. Yet soon, the individual behind the Anorexia will
come out and feel a satisfaction in the accomplishment; if there is no anxiety
at first, then that means that you are not challenging yourself. As it gets
easier to accept the pleasure from achievements, you can move on to your next
challenge.
It
is normal for me to describe my recent past as having its ups and downs, but I
have come to accept that that is the nature of recovery from a mental disorder.
Since admitting last time that I was feeling guilt for constantly snacking, I
have realised that it is most likely a relative binge; a true binge session
involves a great amount of food in a short period of time something in
hindsight that I have most certainly not been attaining. Although I never
displayed body dysmorphia whereby a sufferer sees themselves as bigger than
they are, I have now come to realise I project such tendencies to my portion
sizes. Therefore, although I feel as if I am eating a tremendous amount, my Anorexia
is just sizing it up. It becomes easier to ignore these feelings if I start to
count my calories, but I have been actively avoiding doing so, as this is not a
normal behaviour. I still have to work on stopping weighing foods that I
require to portion out and trust my instinct. However, I cannot yet decipher
whether this behaviour is because I want to ensure I am having enough in terms
of a regular portion, or if I am not having too much in terms of a regular
portion; both these would have different connotations in terms of recovery.
Although
my illness does hinder me socially, I believe I am not letting it affect me as
much as I did during my relapse this time last year. A lot of social activities
involve food or alcohol both taking me out of my comfort zone and ‘eating
schedule’. I need to be more flexible with my eating times, yet I loathe eating
when I do not feel hungry. These past couple of months although I have declined
invitations to go out a couple of times because of this fear, the number of
times I have dealt with eating ‘irregularly’ have far outweighed the rejections. There
have been a few occasions where I have had to eat earlier than I usually would
have liked, but it has allowed me to have Sunday roasts with some great
friends, go to gigs and even Christmas dinner with my flat. It’s never easy to
have other people in charge of when and what I will be eating but I am
increasing my food repertoire quite significantly.
I
did not realise how significant my relapse had been last year until I went to
my GP and she told me I had put on around 5Kg since last Christmas. Having not
really taken on board at the time of the relapse just how far I had declined,
this made me appreciate how far I had come in the past year. I am still
slightly underweight but I believe it can easily be remedied if I continue on
the path I have been (with Christmas coming up there’s no avoiding weight
gain!). I have also decided to continue antidepressants despite being on such a
low dose it could just be a placebo effect. I do not want to risk any hormonal
imbalances at such a crucial time such as my university dissertation and
awaiting news on whether I will finally accomplish my dreams of becoming a
dentist.
I
have always been marginally pessimistic whereby I used to have a quote: ‘you
never believe it until it’s in front of you’. What I meant by this is that I
have so little self-belief that I cannot have high hopes for myself at the fear
of being bitterly disappointed. Having been offered 2 interviews so far for
dentistry, I cannot yet hope to be in education this time next year until I
receive a firm offer, as last time I did so, I ended up having to take my
backup choice following 4 rejections. I must admit, I am in a much better place
this time around but I have a chronic fear that on paper I sound great yet, I
cannot live up to expectations face-to-face. Not only this but having recently
become the only single person in a house of 5 girls, I cannot help but wonder
if there is anything wrong with me? I am not actively looking nor am I heaving
off a stench of desperation, yet I do not feel people have any interest in me. Maybe
I just need to work on my confidence!
So
many people have helped me in my 3rd round of recovery (or is it my 4th?
I am so lost now!), yet one person has really stood out to me at university.
She has been the most understanding person and encouraged me in my recovery; I
do not think I would be quite where I am now without her. Fortunately I got to
spend a week of skiing with her and my university this past week in the French
Alps. It helped to have a supportive friend understand when I was too tired to
go out drinking with the other students or push me to eat more when it was
clear that I was not having enough to sustain myself in the cold conditions and
extreme exercise in the form of skiing. Although, I did not have a pizza this
past week as I have usually done skiing, I did have one of my own accord the
week before… All alone!!!! Obviously I was eating in public with people I had
never eaten with before or even admitted to having an eating disorder to (not that I
hide it really!) and therefore I really worked hard to be ‘normal’ and I’m
pretty sure no-one was any the wiser. I was eating quickly in ‘time restraints’; hard-core uni skiers are
NOT patient people when it comes to lunchtime! For this I am proud and for this
I still feel I challenged myself over the holiday and hey this time around my
fluo pink ski trousers actually fit!
Bread
has long been cut out of my staple diet but since this semester, I have had
more bread than I have had over my illness; over that period I could literally
count on my fingers the amount of bread I had. I have been actually ENJOYING
the occasional sandwich and even having a bread roll with my lunchtime soup on
occasions. Instead of feeling overtly guilty I have quite happily done so,
although I still believe it will take time for it to be an accompaniment to my
meals as opposed to part of my meals. I am proud of my accomplishments over
this past year, I still have some way to go but I am not going to downplay how well
I’ve done. So, Well done me.
