Self. When used as a prefix, this
word can form words that many misconceptions of Anorexia Nervosa describe- self-inflicted,
selfish, and self-centred but to name a few. It is very easy to see why people
would describe any eating disorder as a cry for attention, due to the
consequences and reasons for developing such a malicious illness. Attention
seeking is the last thing on our minds, as anorexia truly thrives on
secretiveness and lying through our teeth to ensure no one interferes with our
control over exercise and food intake. Anyone claiming they have an eating
disorder purely to gain attention is lucky, I seriously would not wish this on
anyone, as anorexia CANNOT be turned on and off at will. In my opinion the idea
that the disorder is self-inflicted however, is one shared amongst its
sufferers. Due to the nature of the illness and the fact it is a mental disease
brought upon us for various reasons, it seems to me that we could have helped
prevent ourselves from succumbing to it unlike a person unfortunate enough to
develop a physical and unpreventable illness much like the big killer cancer.
This inevitably leads to a huge guilt constantly hanging over my head, as I
believe I am at fault for every pain and misery caused within the family and
around me. I don’t want to seem like a martyr and therefore hypocritical in
saying the illness has not made me egotistical, but it feels to me like I am a
huge nuisance to everyone and I can see the frustration people hoard when they
are around me.
Anorexia has a tendency to make
you a different person by heightening the negative attributes you may have. In
my case the fact that I have always striven to be independent in life and reject
any idea I feel has been pressurised or forced upon me, has led me to become an
increasingly stubborn person. This therefore has wreaked havoc on the people
trying to help me recover, as any advice offered is immediately shot down by
me, due to a feeling that this idea has not been made by me. Recovery
unfortunately, can only come from its sufferer and only when the sufferer wants
to and therefore it is very difficult for anyone to interfere with the disease
and offer help. This I have found in particular with both my dietician and dad,
as even the mere suggestion of eating something with more calories will make me
build up my defences and I will refuse this idea without even considering it as
a good piece of advice. Many times I have contemplated increasing an aspect of
my intake, however as soon as a person other than me voices the exact idea
aloud, I won’t want to do it anymore and I have to build up the idea and
courage within myself all over again.
