Change. We each have the
capability to alter ourselves but whether or not the amendments have positive
or negative consequences is left to the significance and motive behind this
need to change. Many believe that people are not competent enough to change;
who we are within and the principles we were brought up with remain eternally
with us due to an impossibility to ‘unlearn’ behaviours. It is only with this
attitude however that we set ourselves limits, as any deviance from our
expected personality would seem false and therefore deemed both pointless and consequentially
too much effort- It isn’t ‘us’ and so we settle with a comfortable side to our
personalities. I have found that there is a particular notion that if someone
has previously committed an act judged to be inappropriate by today’s society,
then we are unwilling to forgive them and accept that they will not do it
again. I guess it must be a human instinct to be wary of things we consider to
have formerly hurt us and so in a bid for survival we are doubtful of their
trustworthiness. But we CAN change and for that reason we are all responsible
for not holding someone’s past against them. In accepting a change in someone
else we must henceforth change our own perceptions of this person. Communication
between two parties will break down should there be a conflict between a belief
that an alteration in someone has occurred. It is often a sense of denial and
the want to hold on to positive memories that we turn a blind eye to changes. I
do not doubt the ability to change (be it for the better or for the worse), as
varied experiences impacted throughout our lives have the ability to
revolutionise our way of thinking and subsequently our comportment. The
turbulence I was made to endure over this past year has modified something
within me, no matter the insistence that I am still the person I was before the
Anorexia. I cannot deny that these changes have been somewhat positive in their
own way.
What has come as a revelation to
me is that I always require some sort of strict regime in my life to feel at
ease and therefore when it is not thrust upon me from authority, I seek this
solace from other aspects around me. Up until very recently I have now realised
that I had begun to use my blog as an obligation I must abide to every week. With
a lack of rigidity over the year after having left school, I felt reassured by
the comforting familiarity of having something I had to work towards- with
recovery not being in the vicinity, a weekly writing target kept me on my toes.
Though I no longer control my calorie intake to the extent I had, my need for
control shifted to trivialities. What has hence scared me most is the idea that
I will never be rid of this necessity to always have a notion of jurisdiction
over something or other. Will I be doomed to feel my life has no direction or
purpose if I do not comply with a regime? The fear of the unknown has always
pushed me towards control, as the uncertainty that lies in my future seems more
bearable if I have a hold of where it is heading. I would never have described
myself as a ‘free spirit’, yet over the past months when I have challenged
myself to override the Anorexia, I have relished in the feeling of liberation. It
has led to an acceptance in the fact that my future is not set out for me and
that I can alter it along the way and be spontaneous.
The question I have begun to more
frequently ask myself is at what point is someone considered to have recovered
from Anorexia. The physical recovery is one thing and seems somewhat
superficial to that of the one that must occur within the mind, as an entire
new mentality is required. I fell into Anorexia fairly easily, slipping into
the comforting ritual of controlling and planning everything I was to eat with
ease and delight. Giving up something that gives you such a semblance of joy is
so difficult that you, the sufferer, are the sole decider of when you decide to
take hold of the disorder and fight back. You can chose to reign it in quickly
at the first signs or you could chose to fight it later, one thing that is
certain is that it will not merely run its course and leave you as quickly and
easily as it was adopted. A previously weak-minded person susceptible to being
influenced by those around me with the desire to please, I had to transform
myself into a fighter- something I was not born into.
The disorder parades itself so openly
with the sickly skeletal appearance of its sufferers. I was always very aware
of this fact as I watched myself literally waste away before my very eyes and especially
when I received the intrusive stares in public. Though I was secretly satisfied
at watching the numbers plummet on the scales, the physical translation of what
this decent into hell meant was extremely distressing; I wanted to see a
miniscule number on the scales but not a miniscule me in the mirror. More
recently I have been told that although I am still clearly at a low BMI, I do
not look like what many would selfishly dub as ‘Anorexic’. I wondered whether
this was purely down to them having gotten used to seeing me so rail thin or
whether to others I genuinely portrayed a healthier and fuller figure. The
undeniable figure change is a physical sign that I am in recovery, but even
when I eventually reach my target weight (to which I am currently just less
than 7Kg away from in an estimate of 10 weeks should I continue at the pace I
have been restoring) will I be considered recovered? I think not. The mind
takes far longer to heal than any physical symptom and therefore I must have
the patience to continue to fight even when the scales reveal that I am ‘healthy’.
As I began to list my changes
that I would blame on the Anorexia, I realised that the negative ones were
simply an intensification of traits I have always possessed; my obsessive need
for control, independence, organised rituals and most importantly, success.
Does it mean that the changes were not in my personality but my environment? Is
it just the world around me and how I fitted into it and adapted myself to it
by dulling down some of my qualities whilst amplifying others? No. I believe I
have developed a certain courage I had once lacked within myself. I am strong.
I am worthy. I can achieve. As a result I have been forced into maturity as
anyone must when faced with fighting such a disorder or illness, whilst
accepting that I can admit to needing help and not shying away from it when it
is offered. My relationships have changed and mainly for the better as I have
learnt that I can depend on others around me. I am not alone.
‘A leopard cannot change its
spots’ the saying goes, yet this is both a naïve and pessimistic way to judge
people. Yes a leopard will always have the same spots inked over its body very
much like we will always have a past that we cannot erase, but we should all be
given the opportunity to redeem ourselves. I will always have suffered from
Anorexia but I will not always be Anorexic. Just take a look at the transition
between my first posts and my more recent ones. I have been strong enough to
fight for my chance to return to the person I used to be and wipe away the
façade the disorder created. Though I am now certain I will continue with my
struggle to win, this year will undeniably have left its imprint on me; the experience
has caused irrevocable changes. I very much wish at this point in time that I
could believe I might one day be able to pick a meal completely care-free of
its calorie content as I once did, but my now extensive knowledge of calorie
densities will always cause me to think twice before doing so. I have been so
open about my plight that even if I now chose to blot out the year, my mind
will always drudge up the memory and I won’t be able to lie to myself about how
I became the person I am now as a result. Like a chameleon I could blend into
the surrounding environment wherever I go-hiding-, yet I will always be the
same person who has suffered through an eating disorder; I am not ashamed of
having suffered from Anorexia, as I have been fighting my way out of it. I hope
to inspire others to make the change for themselves by delivering first-hand
the proof of what recovery could eventually bring to a person, yet not fool
them into believing it will be easy. Most importantly I hope to change the
views that society has on those that have suffered like me from an eating
disorder.
