Pressure. We can often bear the
feeling of being required to carry a burden we are ill-equipped to cope with. When saddled with our own need to achieve, we
can often lay an unnecessary stress upon ourselves, which could easily be
relieved if we were to trust our abilities. For someone suffering from Anorexia
Nervosa, they find comfort in the knowledge that their failure can of sorts be
rectified with the accomplishment of restricting themselves of food. When there
is little we can control in the face of anxiety, ‘victories’ are sought in
different places and predominantly in how we feed ourselves; alimentation being
the one true aspect we have complete power over. Soon enough we build a
tolerance to the small euphoria induced in the initial cutting down of food and
we therefore resist our fear of failure through the oasis we have found within
our turmoil and so the Anorexia flourishes. It is not sufficient to merely
reach a goal, we want to come out ‘top’; there is no end to what the Anorexia
will make us endure. WE must decide to believe that we can truly be content
with our achievements outside of the bubble Anorexia has created and eventually
return to a world where contentment can be found in all places.
Following the admission to having
started counting my calories again during the pressure of exams, I thought that
the problem would rectify itself as time went on and the stress alleviated. I
unfortunately overestimated the ease at which this can be done, despite having
faced a relapse in my Anorexia before. Instead of being reassured that I would
not need to count my calories in order to lessen my anxiety, I found myself
regressing in a way that I felt that I needed to once again weigh out my
portions (not to the gram but nevertheless more precisely) to know how much I
was having. After my month at home over Christmas, I was able to directly compare
the portions I had been making for myself alone at university with the more
regular ones being served up to me by my family. In my mind, I felt I had been
over feeding myself over the semester whilst fending for myself and therefore,
in the bid to rectify the ‘damage’ and avoid putting on more weight, I believe
this is what triggered my need to calorie count again. I have therefore had to consistently
remind myself how skeletal I looked at my lowest weight and how miserable it
made me.
 |
| Before- Summer 2011 |
 |
| Now- (Left) |
I was aware that I was becoming
stuck in a rut whereby my days would once again revolve around my mealtimes and
I refused to be agile with them as well as confine myself to my room in order
to eat. I was still sticking to a healthy amount of calories but I felt safer
knowing exactly how many I was having. I could feel the return of a sense of
depression despite the continuation of my anti-depressant treatment. I no
longer felt the desire to leave my room, or go out clubbing with my flat mates
and friends, which I had so loved and enjoyed the previous semester. I am
unsure what changed exactly and how it came about but I knew that I had to do
something or my health could severely deteriorate- I had been in similar
situations before. At the time I still had the stress of finding out my results
and therefore whether I would potentially be accepted to take part in an
interview for the transfer to Dentistry; the degree that has always been my
dream. In the face of the unknown, I was adding excessive pressure on myself.
Having experienced the benefits
of a week away in the fresh mountain air skiing the year before, I knew that a
week away from university with my family would be the perfect opportunity to
pick myself back up again. Last year, I believe that week really was the
turning point in my recovery, as I came back feeling more fulfilled and
positive towards my recovery and subsequently revived out of my depression. Having
commitments with my degree that week, I was unsure up until the last minute
whether I would be able to go or not, but I felt for my wellbeing and
continuation at university, that a week away would be wise. Leaving the country
and the comforts of my home and rituals, I always feel I am able to achieve far
more and I can actually push myself. I therefore took it upon myself to not
take any scales with me to the Alpes. I was also embarrassed to admit to my
parents how downhill I come since they had seen me at Christmas, nor did I ever
want them to see me using scales again as it would only bring back nightmare
memories; they have enough on their plates (no pun intended). I did not want to
become a liability.
I could not have hoped for a
better week of skiing, the snow was amazing and there were blue skies every day,
most of all I did not have any speed limitations on account of the fragility of
my bones like last year. I was free to experience the exhilaration of my
favourite sport. As predicted, I was able to challenge myself once again with
the foods I would eat; granted I acknowledge that a lot of the challenging
process was marred in the knowledge that I had and would be extensively
exercising all day. Each morning I found myself eating a bowl of my usual
porridge accompanied by half a pain au chocolat fresh from the bakery, which I
found to be an indulgence that I am unafraid to admit I enjoyed. Lunch times
this year were taken at the restaurant on the piste where even though I would
take a bowl of soup, I compensated with a yogurt, fruit and an extra cereal bar
to keep up my energy. Upon returning back from a day of skiing, I amazed myself
by accepting a regular piece of praline brioche like everyone else with little
though or guilt.
The food challenges were not to
stop there as on the final day, we chose a different restaurant for lunch- a
Pizzeria. Though I had a huge variety of choice on the menu, I decided, like
the rest of my family, to order a pizza. This was my FRIST pizza since I have
been ill, with my last one being a distant memory I have long lost forgotten. I
still consider bread and cheese to be the ‘enemy’ but having seen these ultra-thin
crusted pizzas float past the table, I was motivated to break the biggest feat
yet in my recovery. I finished the whole pizza guilt free AND had three
pancakes for dinner the very same night! I would not say I will be as
extravagant with my food choices on a regular basis, but it allowed me to break
the taboo of eating a pizza that I had long held on to. Fortunately my parents
know me well enough NEVER to ask if I am enjoying a particularly daring food
whilst I am eating and thankfully waited until I was done and I myself had
admitted to enjoying it to ask questions.
The week was not all plain sailing,
as I saw myself stress about the lectures I would be missing and the work I had
to do, as well as the long anticipated reply from the dentistry school (turns
out I still have not heard anything) in the fear of having to make an emergency
trip home. Returning back from independence also saw me start to resent the
questions of being asked whether I was ok to eat at restaurants at lunch and
what I felt was safe to eat for dinner; I felt every decision had to revolve
around me. My sister as a consequence felt that I was drawing attention to my
own needs and that I felt I required ‘special attention’- far from it, as I would
rather have been left alone. I do however, feel that the week did me a lot of
good and I definitely came back, yet again, with a more positive outlook and
although physically exhausted, I was no longer suffering from the emotional
exhaustion I had been.
I am aware I am an over-achiever,
though I do prefer to set the bar low for myself to avoid disappointment.
However, this does not stop me putting pressure on myself to do well in life
and not to feel like a failure should I not be able to attain my aspirations. Fortunately,
my hard work so far this year has paid off and I currently have a first in the
first half of the year, having also come out of the other side of exam period
relatively unharmed by stress. I should now start to believe in my abilities
and acknowledge that I can do well; in turn this will alleviate the stress I
put on myself in a healthy manner as I know that I CAN do it. Though I know I
have had a slight set-back in my recovery, I can still sense the determination
to get rid of the Anorexia and I have not been defeated. I will continue to fight
and I will continue to win.
