Gluttony. One of the seven deadly
sins imprinted within each of us that causes us to overindulge in the many
aspects of life we enjoy. It is hard to take something we thoroughly enjoy in
moderation and not exceed the limit of what would be deemed acceptable or
healthy. When we find comfort in a particular object, it is challenging to
fight the urge to gorge ourselves on the euphoric feeling it gives us; this comfort
is short lived. The greed rushes through us leaving us wanting more and it
takes an incredible amount of willpower many of us do not naturally possess to
quench this desire. It is however the accomplishment of resisting the excess,
that drives and thrills those that suffer from Anorexia. The more we are able
to restrict ourselves from the aspects we most crave, the more powerful we
feel; we feel in ‘control’. This is why for many sufferers of eating disorders,
the Christmas ‘party’ season, is one of the most difficult.
Back in December, I was highly
aware of the Christmas holidays looming ahead. Though this meant a well-deserved
break from my first term of fending for myself at university, I was also aware
that I would be returning to a world in which I would once more become dependent
on my parents. This thought both excited and scared me at the same time. On one
hand it would be a relief not to worry about portion sizes and whether what I
was cooking for myself was too much (rarely would I ever deem it too be too
little) or too calorie-laden. Then there was the inevitable return of the
questions from my family on when I wanted to eat, what I wanted to eat and
whether I wanted any food to snack on. I abhor the idea of any meal time being
revolved around my wants and needs and therefore it was difficult for me to
have to listen to my parents ask me whether they were eating too early or too
late for my liking. I did however, enjoy being able to ask my parents for a
dish I desired to eat without the background fear that it would appear I was
enjoying food too much.
It scared me to think how much
the festive meals would impact my weight over the month and so as I have
already admitted, I did start to be conscious of what and how much I ate before
my return home for the holidays. I needn’t have worried because my family have
never been huge overeaters. It was however, the thought of going to France to
my Grandparents for Christmas that instilled the most fear. My grandma is a big
believer in feeding her family; she believes that the way to treat us is to
cook decadent food and lots of it. So upon our arrival, I was not shocked to
find out there was an array of around 7 desserts prepared after a hearty meal. Of
course bread is a big aspect of the French’s staple diet; however I am still
not comfortable enough to be eating it for enjoyment as an EXTRA to my meal but
I did allow myself to indulge in a few of the many desserts that were up for
offer. Though meal times are not generally a stress anymore, it was hard not
knowing exactly what my grandma would be preparing for us to eat, as she enjoys
sneaking in an extra side dish without our assent. When I was younger my granddad
used to enjoy bantering around with me about my need to have enough food left
for a second helping, and I therefore
found it near impossible to bite my tongue when he tried it with me over Christmas.
My granddad pointing out so bluntly that I was enjoying my meal caused a flurry
of panic, I maintained calm though and it did not stop me continuing to eat the
rest of what was on my plate.
Christmas day was obviously going
to be far easier for me this time round than it had been last year. It is a day
we all associate with a lot of food (well not just a day but the whole Christmas
season if we’re honest!). For starters I am now eating regular food, with
regular portions and at a regular pace and the fact that it would be a family
affair as opposed to in a restaurant this year was also comforting as I was not
embarrassed to ask for something different if I wished. There were many
occasions throughout the week in which snacks were laid out prior to the meal
and I abstained from eating any, though I would never have done so before. I
was just consistently aware that this was an extra amount of calories that were
‘unnecessary’, though I found comfort in seeing the others around me help
themselves freely. There were also a couple of occasions whereby the
traditional French dish of ‘fois-gras’ was served, the mere mention of the name
put me straight off even attempting to eat it- ‘gras’ being a translation of ‘fat’-
and therefore required to be served a separate dish to the others.
Unfortunately the moth away was
not as restful as I would have hoped; it coincided with the stress of revision
for my January exams. Considering the last time I was revising was when I fell
ill because I felt food was the only thing I could control, it was inevitable I
would be feeling more apprehensive than usual about this period of exams. I
find that I needlessly stress myself out, as I would often find myself feeling nauseous
after eating food from anxiety. I am therefore relieved that my GP and I have
decided to keep me on my course of anti-depressants for the remainder of this
school year at least. I have however, finally made it through with little
damage to my health apart from an intense exhaustion. One regret is that I was
unable to talk this troubling time through with my therapist, as I found it
difficult to find the time in the short period I was home. I would like have
hoped she would have been happy of my progress and the way I have been able to
adapt to my life at university.
I don’t know whether it was the notion
that I had eaten a lot back at home, whether it was the result of my renewed
freedom or because I felt it was the only aspect I could control, but I have
found myself counting calories again. I do not, I am happy to report, do this
so that I can stick to a strict amount of calories per day, nor have I taken it
to the extent where I measure them to the gram, but I am hoping that this is
only a temporary glitch in my recovery. Though I am not back at my full weight I
was prior to falling ill, I do consider myself to be out of the weight restoration
phase of my recovery and therefore this Christmas season has not dramatically
affected my weight. I have started to give in to some temptations and if I was
to be offered to eat a chocolate I feel I can allow myself to do so, as well as
not feeling that I need to snack in order to have eaten enough that day. It is
with this that I am slowly returning to a semblance of normality, though I still
juggle with the slight feeling of guilt when I do relinquish my strict control.
A year on from my first blog I am slowly but surely becoming Solene again. Recovery
need not be just a fairy tale, nor only a possibility but an inevitability.
