Hidden Truths

Hiding. This is the concealment, or indeed, the cover-up of a truth that one would rather not divulge. Despite the huge leaps that society has made in the awareness of mental illness, I find that it is still very much a social taboo. Supressing your feelings and inner most fears has very much become the norm in this day and age, yet it is something that we must fight against. The problem is how do you fight for something you are still afraid to not be accepted for?  Most of our society however, has finally achieved an understanding and maybe even a respect for those who share their experience with psychiatric problems. But what if you reveal yourself and fall on that minority of people who both do not accept you and label you a ‘freak’? What if people end up treating you differently? These are all questions that run through an anxious mind before deciding whether or not to come out of hiding and they are also the questions that keep people from doing so. Therefore, mental health remains a societal no-no.

Unfortunately, with the start of a new degree, I have not only had limited time to write, but I have also been afraid to. Making new friends is great, however, I still feel I cannot just go around revealing my history with mental illness so early in a relationship. I do not want it to be my defining feature as a person, as I feel I have grown beyond the person I used to be when I was ill. I think this is a normal fear for me to harbour when people are still my acquaintances, despite the fact that I am not afraid to reveal my past and I am in fact, more than a little open about it! I must remember however, that I write my blog to release my pent-up feelings and with the start of my intense degree in dentistry, this is more crucial than ever. So where to start since I last wrote in April?!

My 3 years at Newcastle ended on a high when I managed to secure myself a first. I took the final year in a far more chilled manner than I had the second year during my relapse and therefore, came out of it a happier and more fulfilled person. The weight I had worked so hard to make up during my first bout of anorexia finally crept up to a healthy BMI and people were complimenting me on how great I looked. Instead of making me recoil at the thought of being the biggest than I have been in maybe 3-4 years (and I’m aware it’s still not big), I took it as my greatest achievement. I am so proud of myself. This is when I realised that not only have I recovered physically, but also my mind has finally caught up. There are many things I wouldn’t have dared eat or would have thought twice and made myself feel immense guilt for eating, that I am beginning to reintroduce into my diet- pizza and bread amongst other things. Of course I still find myself limiting certain things but it is on a scale that is incomparable to where I have ever been before. I am less afraid.

Yet again the summer I had was filled with holidays and due to having so much fun, they were over in a flash. It started with a week in Croatia with my sister, whereby the food, wine and cocktails (basically all the things with calories) were the highlight of the trip as opposed to a fear. That is not to say the sights were not incredible too! I allowed myself to crave a pizza, get excited to eat it and admit to enjoying it. I used to find it hard to say that ‘forbidden’ foods were tasty at the fear of being thought to being better recovered than I wanted to appear. It is hard to explain why I wanted to be seen to be far deeper into the illness than I was, but I put it down to selfishly wanting more attention from my parents as well as lowering their expectations of me so I could recover at my own pace. Of course I prefer the latter excuse but I can’t help but feel I have been a bit of a child at times with the anorexia. 

 Turkey then followed with my family, whereby we returned to the same resort we had gone to the previous year. Knowing the standard of the buffets that were laid out for us breakfast, lunch and dinner, it was not surprising that it excited both my whole family and me. I have to admit we were not disappointed. We certainly made the most of the baklava- a Turkish pastry drenched in lashing of honey and immensely calorific- and the amount of food I was eating came as an after thought rather than being at the forefront during every meal. This allowed me to eat what I wanted and at the quantities I wanted to. Of course I have a feeling I will never be entirely care free of my diet, but I do not feel it runs my life anymore.

Yoga and Pilates have been exercises I have started to be doing on a regular basis. Having bought myself a yoga mat and found good online tutorials, I have become more motivated to embark on a full healthy lifestyle. Eating well is just one of the hurdles, I must exercise in a constructive manner too. However, I do find myself feeling I NEED to do exercise purely to counteract the amount of chocolate I have been eating. I have frequently voiced my concern over what I can only call my chocolate addiction, but I just can’t seem to stop myself buying and eating it. This feels incredibly alien seeing as my whole dilemma with mental illness began due to my over-achieving nature and impeccable if not extremely dangerous self-restraint! I just don’t know how to stop, despite constantly thinking I’m going to end up like a blob one day (I have yet to actually even look remotely like a blob and this is probably what makes me reluctant to stop).

Finally this brings me to my first month studying dentistry at Aberdeen University. Having had the whole experience of doing a degree before, I was only slightly apprehensive of going back for another 4 years. I think the fact that I have managed to settle in so quickly is probably not what I would probably have described a miracle, but because I have far more self-confidence, which thankfully comes out in my personality. The people on my course have also helped in that respect and we seem to have fallen into a happy rhythm as if we’d know each other for years. I have for the meantime however, decided to stay on fluoxetine (a decision supported by my GP), as I feel the change of working pace and environment would not be a good time to start messing around with my hormones. Although, I feel better than I have in ever so long, I am not willing to risk it. However, I think the fact that none of my new friends have been any the wiser of my mental health history (unless if it has slipped out during drunken DMC’s A.K.A drunk meaningful chats) despite having spent a whole weekend in Leeds with them recently, means that I am a place where I would say I am on the verge of being recovered. In fact it has never felt so close.

A Life of Successes

Success. Everyone sets themselves a goal in their lives, which once they have attained, is their own personal definition of success. Success is subjective and therefore other people can rarely assess the extent of the achievement in someone’s life. Victories need not be on a large scale to be deemed important, as there will always be the small successes in life. Yet, are these small victories worthy of the same level of satisfaction? I believe so. When recovering from anorexia, successes arise on a daily basis. Be it the day you eat a slice of bread or even the day you finally attain the healthy BMI range (which I personally have yet again achieved), all events leave you with the knowledge that you are one step closer to reaching your goal.

A lot has happened since I last wrote a post and indeed I have some of the biggest news to share. I have finally been accepted on a place to study Dentistry at Aberdeen University. The hard work and perseverance I have put in to finally achieve this is what led to my demise with anorexia. I first developed this condition when I was unable to apply to study Dentistry at the age of 18 due to poor grades. I had completely lost site of the future I had envisioned for myself and my goal had been cruelly snatched away from me. I felt I had no control over my life and so I began controlling the one thing I could, my food. And I was very good at it! In fact too good, as it quickly became an obsession, which further pulled me away from my dream. However, 5 years on, I am a stronger person for it and have gained the ability to be empathetic, a quality I believe will be vital for me as a dentist. So yey to me!

I often find myself refraining from posting a new blog when I meet new people for no other reason than I don’t want them to look at me differently after reading what I have to say. There has never been an incident whereby I have ever had to question myself for sharing my blog, as everyone has been nothing but respectful, yet I always have the fear that one day someone will hurt me with the insight they gain into the private aspects of my life. It may also be that an acquaintance knowing intimate details about me is in fact very embarrassing. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself, as I have shown resilience in combatting my demons and it has shaped the person the world has now come to know.

The Easter holidays, apart from brining about a mound of chocolate for me to continue bingeing on, also led me to another 2 weeks of skiing. Skiing has quickly become my favourite form of self-therapy, as the freedom you get from your troubled mind is incomparable.  The ability to be in the fresh mountain air and having a blank mind, bar planning the location of your next turn, is a relief and there is also the satisfaction of knowing you have physically exerted yourself. This is not taking into account however, the fact that you generally take in a whole lot more calories than you’ve spent due to the sheer unctuous and moreish nature of the French mountain foods. Be it the week I spent with my family, or the one I spent with my university friends, I certainly did not hold back on the food front. I ate to my hearts content choosing foods that I WANTED to eat (with the exception of cheese, my devil food) and thoroughly enjoyed pigging-out. One moment I did question myself was when someone said ‘you’re indulging yourself’ upon me ordering a chocolate crepe. I ate it anyway but I do not want be told or made to feel greedy as it is very alarming for me. I do want to thank all of my ‘Ski lot’ however, who really made my last university ski trip one of the most memorable and best holidays I have been on.

Although I would not say I am yet recovered from my anorexia, I feel I am in one of the best places both emotionally and physically that I have been in since I started on my road to recovery. I have the help of extremely supportive friends both at university and at home, a sister I get along with better than ever and parents who have stuck by me through my worst times (although arguably they sort of had to). I am on a road that is leading me to full recovery and I now hold the key to the future I have so long wanted for myself. I believe that my life is finally going to be a success.

Going the Distance

Idling. Sometimes in life your foot will find itself firmly on the clutch and poised on the accelerator ready to go, yet will you manage to set off on the journey or will you simply stall and have to start again? The waiting game during recovery from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things to cope with. You have a yearning to get on with life, but the limitations within your mind mean you cannot embark on your future until the block comes away. When it seems that you cannot go forwards, but reversing is not an option either, then you can’t help but wonder what to do, how to handle the situation, how to idle by…

Entering the third year of university I have found my life once again on standby. My reapplication to dentistry has meant that my future is in other’s people’s hands and I find it very hard to accept I am not in control of it. I have no idea what I will be doing come September let alone where I will be living, and this thought scares me. Although I strive for a life of spontaneity, such is my nature that organising myself in advance is what I find safest, or else I start to panic; so waiting for a response from dental schools is a stressful experience for me. Yet again in this situation, my pessimism shines through and I am almost resigning myself to having to find a plan B and give up on my dream to become a dentist. I find it so much easier to cope with potential rejections if I do not hope and set the bar low for myself than if I allow my head to get carried away and dream. Unfortunately, I set this barrier to almost everything I do in life and it is a cycle I MUST get myself out of.

The constant fear of my ‘relative binge’ is still upon me, due to my obsession with chocolate. I keep telling myself, ‘today it’s ok to have this extra square because tomorrow I’ll just have a little a less’, yet this never ends up happening and it’s scaring me. No, I am not overweight, if anything I am only just entering the healthy range so I have a large margin, but what if my inability to control my chocolate cravings becomes an addiction and I can’t stop and I go above and beyond a weight I will ever be comfortable with? It all sounds so melodramatic written down, but my mind is constantly whirring around this thought. I feel I have opened a door whereby I have allowed myself to eat chocolate in an unrestricted manner but it has turned a 180 and I am now eating in uncontrollably.

I have recently started exercising again in the hope to counteract the fact I am a complete chocaholic and also for general fitness. It just made me more aware when I was writing that sentence that my primary reason for exercise was to compensate for extra calories… This is not a great realisation, but at least I know I am not aiming to lose weight in this situation but merely to stay in the comfortable weight zone that I am currently in. On the plus side, my main choice of exercise this time has been yoga, a non-strenuous form of exercise that has really allowed me to relax and ease myself into a life with exercise again. I think this is what is best for me, as if I was pushing myself too fast too soon, I would not be able to moderate my diet to fit around the exertion I would be putting on my body. But I am enjoying yet again being healthy enough to exercise and being in a place where I am not afraid to eat that extra bit so that I can stay healthy.

Most of the people surrounding me currently do not know where they will be next year so I am not the only one currently stuck in limbo. However, I find this creates a limitation on everything we do with a reluctance to commit ourselves to anything or anyone in the fear of having to leave it all behind; no one just goes for it anymore. It makes these few months we are living futile and worthless and we are all in the same boat. I am taking it very hard, as not being busy is one of my weaknesses, as it has always dragged me into depression. Sitting around and waiting for life to happen to me is not something I am comfortable with but I don’t know how to get out of my funk until I can answer some questions for my future but I have to rely on others to answer these for me. I am not confident in moving into the unknown alone but if push comes to a shove I will step off that clutch and go the distance.