Return. Depending on the initial situation, the return of something
can be regarded as either a positive or negative event. When we have been left
with good memories, being presented with the recurrence of a particularly
joyous circumstance, we can be overwhelmed with a sense of relief or even
rejoice in its appearance. However, pair the return to a negative and sometimes
dangerous situation, the fear of a comeback with all its associated feelings
and subsequent results can be hard to handle. For an Anorexia sufferer in
recovery, the gradual and unpremeditated reappearance of Anorexic traits can
drive your self-belief in achieving a full recovery to an all time low. However, in such circumstances and for whatever
reason behind the apparent regression, being optimistic is key. By looking for
the positive aspects around you, you can eventually pick yourself up and fight
it; you have already proved that you are strong enough to do so.
With the Christmas holidays looming, the end of my first semester of
my second year at university could not come any sooner. My return to university
was plagued with ups and downs that shaped how well I would cope with all the
hurdles that were to come. Friendships played a big part in the outcomes. Letting
my guard down is very hard for me to do, therefore having previously been
disappointed when revealing myself to people so entirely, I have reservations
about doing so in order to avoid being hurt again. However, I allowed myself to begin to trust
certain people during my final months of university before summer. Of course
long breaks between seeing people can be hard and sometimes detrimental, and I
was in fact to be bitterly disappointed with what I was to come back to. Fortunately
I have not wallowed over this, as it was put into disregard by the
reinforcement of friendships with more reliable people I had around me.
Unfortunately, with the return to university came the return of me
weighing my food out to check portion sizes again. I religiously weigh out most
foods so I know exactly how much I am having and essentially counting up my
daily calorie intake. It is hard to be fully in charge of what I am eating
again, rather than having the comfort of knowing that I am being served the
same food and amount as everyone else (such is the situation at home). Being in
a house this year with a group of girls who are completely understanding of
what I have been through these past few years, has helped me in not feeling
ashamed of my eating habits. I could not have asked for anything more, as I
feel I can be comfortable eating in my own home without any questioning glances.
Relaxing whilst eating in public is a big step I have had to overcome and it
took me a while to do so, as I originally took to eating alone in my room. This
however, led to me feeling left out in a lot of the social situations that were
occurring throughout the house. With my growing confidence and trust in the
girls, this problem is no longer in effect.
My stress levels recently have been skyrocketing. It is unclear to
me whether having come off the anti-depressants over summer has played a part
in how I am now dealing with the stress or not. There is no given reason for
the way I am reacting to the amount of work I feel I have to do, as I feel I
dealt with it in a much more positive manner last year. This is certainly
having an effect on my mood and I feel bad for the way I take it out on those
around me, especially my housemates. They have had to live with someone who, holes
herself in her room working for hours on end, and having little conversation to
contribute upon exposing myself to social situations. I want and NEED to break
out of the rut I am creating in order to feel better about myself and live the
carefree student life I am supposed to be leading.
On a lighter notes, I have returned to one of my favorite hobbies
after 3 long years; dancing. When I quit
dancing, it was to focus on my A level exams and it played a part in my
development of Anorexia. Beginning to dance again felt so good, as I got the
immediate rush of freedom dance brings to you. When I dance I can forget all my
troubles, so this has definitely been a huge stress relief. However, I find
myself getting distressed by the newfound limitations of my body. Three years
is a long time to go without exercise, especially after muscle wastage due to
my Anorexia so I have to be patient in the time it will take to regain even a
semblance of the dance abilities I used to possess. I am however, taking this
return to exercise slowly, as I am unsure how it will affect my weight in relation
to the way I nourish myself nutritionally. It is hard to know exactly how much
I need to adapt my diet in order to compensate for the increased activity. So
far I think I am dealing well but only time will tell and I am determined to
keep on top of it. The exercise is NOT for weight loss; it is merely a normal
desire to live a healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.
These last few months of studying have been hard going but I was
given the opportunity of a welcome break on my 21st birthday in
November. What better way to turn 21, than to celebrate in my all time favorite
city- New York. Getting to visit the Big Apple after falling in love with its
atmosphere and general life-style three years ago was one of the biggest
highlights in a long time. Spending my birthday with my whole family together
was also a bonus, as it has unfortunately become too much of a rarity. When I
first visited, my Anorexia had already begun to take hold of me and therefore I
really restricted myself when it came to food. In America, when it comes to
portions it’s all about ‘go big or go home’, so this time round- with no inhibitions-
I really let lose in what I ate. I made sure I ate what I WANTED, and not what
I thought would have fewer calories (if that is even possible in America!!);
this was only accentuated by my choice of an all you can eat steak house for my
birthday dinner.
Finally feeling I have the time to write again has been of a huge
benefit to me. As I come to the end of writing this post, I feel somewhat freer
in having admitted to the potential problems I have not been entirely able to
express aloud. It is always hard to feel that I am unwittingly regressing into
the old habits that stem from my Anorexia due to me using it as a coping
mechanism for the many stresses I have around me. I want to be strong and I
want to continue to be an inspiration for recovery to those around me. I feel I
am letting everyone down, as I have not yet completely let go of the illness I
have been convincing myself and others I have left behind. I know that I should
not be too hard on myself, yet because I know that I have the capability to
combat it I feel that I should want to but it is hard to let go of that final
comfort. The time will come though, I am certain of it…
