Deal with the Devil

Deal. A multifaceted word, which is often used simply as another term for coping. Dealing with an eating disorder can be an extremely challenging time for both the sufferer and those around them, as people become a shadow of themselves, obsessed only with the controlling of food. Sometimes in dealing with the stress of suffering, depression will commonly rear its ugly head making the notion of recovery one that is far beyond reach. But coping with the ups and downs and the world around you is something in life we will always have to face. As 2013 has come to an end, there have inevitably been some highs and lows that I was forced to deal with in a multitude of ways.

Dealing with stress has always been one of my biggest problems. Over the summer marked a huge turning point in my recovery when I was finally able to come off anti-depressants. However, this also initiated the return of me having to deal with emotions- be they euphoric or anguish- all by myself.  Unfortunately I did not bode well. I felt the repercussions at times when I was bored or felt alone, but I was hopeful that it would soon rectify itself with the start of my second year at university where I would be kept busy with work and a social life. Unfortunately this was not to be the case, as my high expectations of the university life-style resulting from the one I had lived previously were to change dramatically. The amount of work, the distance from groups of friends you would usually have seen daily in University accommodation and the significant reduction in the time for a social life were all to come together to shape a term where I have felt alone.

I would specifically like to dedicate this blog to depression. With the exam season fast approaching, it has induced a state of depression within me. Of course I am well aware that a multitude of factors I have either not yet understood or have not allowed myself to acknowledge have also contributed to this. I feel yet again stuck at a point in my life whereby nothing is moving forwards. With the 2^nd round of rejections for Dentistry earlier last year, I now feel like I am doing a degree that is wasting another 2 years of my life. I have a yearning to achieve but I feel my continuation is being held back from where I feel I really aught to be heading, yet I know that it is only my mind telling me so.  The stress of dealing with any sort of rejection is a bitter pill to swallow. Whether it concerns education, friendships or even relationships, you can’t help but question just what it is that you did wrong and generally end up feeling like a failure.

I have pushed myself for so long to be the beacon of hope in recovery that I felt everyone was expecting me to be. No one has ever forced me to be happy and content all the time but as a society we all tend to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to other people’s problems. We all think that no one wants to hear that we have been struggling with any sort of depression in the fear that people will judge you for it being far too minor a woe or simply that we will bring them down. I want to fight against that. No I am not happy at the moment. I am finding it hard to socialise. I am finding it hard to eat. There, I have said it; I have been slowly regressing back into my Anorexia.

Having lasted only 6 months without them, the 1^st of January 2014 marked the beginning of me starting on a course of antidepressants again. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I have been an awful person to live with for the past few months, becoming snappy, unsociable and anxious in any social situation. Anything that breaks from my ‘routine’ of meal times is a huge stress for me and I yet again I feel I must revolve a lot of my plans around meal times. The person I am when I am around my family is one I had hoped would never return. I am jealous, spiteful and rude and I feel guilty that some members of my family feel they should accept it just because I am depressed; they shouldn’t have to, yet I just can’t help myself. I want to be the kind and easygoing person I was only a year back, the person that was confident in her abilities to make friends and feel accepted in a group. I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere at the moment due to having alienated myself, I just hope it is not too late to fight for a reintegration.

I honestly- and naively- thought that my days with coping with Anorexia were behind me. But it is like an addiction; you need to work to maintain recovery and work to fight against the disorder’s vicious voices. However, it makes me therefore think, will I ever be free of these demons? For reasons unbeknown to me, I strive to eat less than everyone around me rather than the same amount, therefore constantly and annoyingly comparing my plate to others. It makes me feel strong and empowered knowing that I am not eating as much as everyone else. Why am I being so stupid? How can I even begin to think that what I am doing is an acceptable way to nourish myself? I KNOW it isn’t but I am at a stage whereby the comfort it brings me outweighs any logic; it is a constant mind game. It has been especially hard over the Christmas period for me, due to food being such a huge part of the celebrations. Yet, it has also been somewhat easier to hide the fact I am not eating as much because the French -being foodies- usually end up dragging out festive meals over hours, so I ended up having only a single meal for both lunch and dinner yet not compensating by eating more. My grandma would lay out a copious amount of nibbles every evening prior to the meal, which led to dinner being a lot lighter than it usually would. I would abstain from eating these meaning I would be eating far less than I should have been especially considering that I still do not eat bread with my meal, which the french generally substitute as the carbohydrates in their meals. Of course I am certain my parents noticed this, but did not have the energy to fight with me in front of family and friends. However, the hardest feeling to deal with is guilt. Guilt for the way I treat my parents, my friends…my sister. Guilt for eating too much, but especially guilt for letting everyone down when they believed I was so strong.

I am sorry to everyone who looks to me for inspiration for being weak and regressing. I will however say, I will NEVER let myself get to the stage whereby the Anorexia takes over. I am far too strong for that and I am beginning to fight back against the voices of the Anorexia and hope to come back twice as strong. I will beat it once and for all; I just need accept that it will take time and that I am never going to be ok 100% of the time. As time goes on, I slowly and surely will not need it to be a means of coping with my stress and find ways to channel anxiety more productively. I am going to get better, and I believe it, as I believe in myself. I have so much to look forward to in this coming year, but in order for my plans to be successful, I need to be healthy. I have never been one to set a goal at the beginning of each year, but this time around I feel it is appropriate to do so; My new years resolution is to fight against my Anorexia, fight against my depression and to be the person I know I can be.

Comeback Kid

Return. Depending on the initial situation, the return of something can be regarded as either a positive or negative event. When we have been left with good memories, being presented with the recurrence of a particularly joyous circumstance, we can be overwhelmed with a sense of relief or even rejoice in its appearance. However, pair the return to a negative and sometimes dangerous situation, the fear of a comeback with all its associated feelings and subsequent results can be hard to handle. For an Anorexia sufferer in recovery, the gradual and unpremeditated reappearance of Anorexic traits can drive your self-belief in achieving a full recovery to an all time low.  However, in such circumstances and for whatever reason behind the apparent regression, being optimistic is key. By looking for the positive aspects around you, you can eventually pick yourself up and fight it; you have already proved that you are strong enough to do so.

With the Christmas holidays looming, the end of my first semester of my second year at university could not come any sooner. My return to university was plagued with ups and downs that shaped how well I would cope with all the hurdles that were to come. Friendships played a big part in the outcomes. Letting my guard down is very hard for me to do, therefore having previously been disappointed when revealing myself to people so entirely, I have reservations about doing so in order to avoid being hurt again.  However, I allowed myself to begin to trust certain people during my final months of university before summer. Of course long breaks between seeing people can be hard and sometimes detrimental, and I was in fact to be bitterly disappointed with what I was to come back to. Fortunately I have not wallowed over this, as it was put into disregard by the reinforcement of friendships with more reliable people I had around me.

Unfortunately, with the return to university came the return of me weighing my food out to check portion sizes again. I religiously weigh out most foods so I know exactly how much I am having and essentially counting up my daily calorie intake. It is hard to be fully in charge of what I am eating again, rather than having the comfort of knowing that I am being served the same food and amount as everyone else (such is the situation at home). Being in a house this year with a group of girls who are completely understanding of what I have been through these past few years, has helped me in not feeling ashamed of my eating habits. I could not have asked for anything more, as I feel I can be comfortable eating in my own home without any questioning glances. Relaxing whilst eating in public is a big step I have had to overcome and it took me a while to do so, as I originally took to eating alone in my room. This however, led to me feeling left out in a lot of the social situations that were occurring throughout the house. With my growing confidence and trust in the girls, this problem is no longer in effect.

My stress levels recently have been skyrocketing. It is unclear to me whether having come off the anti-depressants over summer has played a part in how I am now dealing with the stress or not. There is no given reason for the way I am reacting to the amount of work I feel I have to do, as I feel I dealt with it in a much more positive manner last year. This is certainly having an effect on my mood and I feel bad for the way I take it out on those around me, especially my housemates. They have had to live with someone who, holes herself in her room working for hours on end, and having little conversation to contribute upon exposing myself to social situations. I want and NEED to break out of the rut I am creating in order to feel better about myself and live the carefree student life I am supposed to be leading.

On a lighter notes, I have returned to one of my favorite hobbies after 3 long years; dancing.  When I quit dancing, it was to focus on my A level exams and it played a part in my development of Anorexia. Beginning to dance again felt so good, as I got the immediate rush of freedom dance brings to you. When I dance I can forget all my troubles, so this has definitely been a huge stress relief. However, I find myself getting distressed by the newfound limitations of my body. Three years is a long time to go without exercise, especially after muscle wastage due to my Anorexia so I have to be patient in the time it will take to regain even a semblance of the dance abilities I used to possess. I am however, taking this return to exercise slowly, as I am unsure how it will affect my weight in relation to the way I nourish myself nutritionally. It is hard to know exactly how much I need to adapt my diet in order to compensate for the increased activity. So far I think I am dealing well but only time will tell and I am determined to keep on top of it. The exercise is NOT for weight loss; it is merely a normal desire to live a healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.

 

These last few months of studying have been hard going but I was given the opportunity of a welcome break on my 21^st birthday in November. What better way to turn 21, than to celebrate in my all time favorite city- New York. Getting to visit the Big Apple after falling in love with its atmosphere and general life-style three years ago was one of the biggest highlights in a long time. Spending my birthday with my whole family together was also a bonus, as it has unfortunately become too much of a rarity. When I first visited, my Anorexia had already begun to take hold of me and therefore I really restricted myself when it came to food. In America, when it comes to portions it’s all about ‘go big or go home’, so this time round- with no inhibitions- I really let lose in what I ate. I made sure I ate what I WANTED, and not what I thought would have fewer calories (if that is even possible in America!!); this was only accentuated by my choice of an all you can eat steak house for my birthday dinner.

Finally feeling I have the time to write again has been of a huge benefit to me. As I come to the end of writing this post, I feel somewhat freer in having admitted to the potential problems I have not been entirely able to express aloud. It is always hard to feel that I am unwittingly regressing into the old habits that stem from my Anorexia due to me using it as a coping mechanism for the many stresses I have around me. I want to be strong and I want to continue to be an inspiration for recovery to those around me. I feel I am letting everyone down, as I have not yet completely let go of the illness I have been convincing myself and others I have left behind. I know that I should not be too hard on myself, yet because I know that I have the capability to combat it I feel that I should want to but it is hard to let go of that final comfort. The time will come though, I am certain of it…

Stuck in the Mud

Stationary. The word signifies non-movement, whether it is your body, your life or simply a moment in time. There are different reasons to fear an instant in your lifetime where you feel stagnant and unable to move forward with ambition or with a task at hand that you know must be completed. However, there are also many reasons to relish such a time, when things seem so perfect you dare not move on at the risk of losing all that is good in that snapshot in time. In both cases there really is naught to be afraid of yet, how can we move forward if no path has been made available to us? How can we afford to leave behind all that is good when only darkness lies ahead? Both aspects are rife on the road to recovery from Anorexia, we become so comfortable in our rituals that it is hard to let go of a pattern we have so long followed and has actually worked for us. Yet also at times, when we are ready to move forwards, we find we are stuck in a rut that is virtually impossible to get out of. The key is patience and a belief that ahead is where the happiness lies.

After completing my first year of university I decided to give myself the whole of the summer off- 3 months of complete freedom. I had accepted that the months that lay ahead would be difficult to start with; I was happy at university surrounded by people I had come to trust and get along well with and so the knowledge that I would be leaving this incredible environment behind was tough. I was afraid that over this long period away things would change, but I have faith in my new friends and know that time apart means nothing. Though the idea of coming from different counties all over England had seemed so exciting, it became daunting in the face of this looming break. I was hopeful however in what home had to offer. But, I almost immediately regretted my choice to do nothing all summer, my friends at home had all taken the bold move to work over the summer, had holidays booked or were simply busy, whilst I sat idle at home. The timing could not have been worse, as I had just taken the decision to stop taking my anti-depressants and was in the process of changing contraceptive pill; my emotions were all over the place.

For 2 months I was perpetually alone with few moments of solace whereby I actually had something to do and it really took its toll. I started to feel like I was slipping into my depression again and became snappy and rude with my whole family. I was also counting calories with a renewed enthusiasm whilst trying to find tiny way in which to cut back my intake. In my mind I was doing no exercise to speak of so I did not require such large amounts of food for sustenance; this went hand in hand with a lack of appetite as a result of my boredom. I kept strong though and I did not allow it to take full control, whilst both my parents noticed the dip in my mood and ability to eat. My mum, who has been ill recently, dealt with it badly due to her own stress so I do not blame her for shouting at me one night that I had become Anorexic again. But to hear such a thing was heart wrenching, as I have worked so hard in my recovery and I will NOT go back there. My dad sat me down and asked me what was going on and I subsequently had a breakdown in which I admitted to him how miserable I had been at home and how I felt I needed to exercise. Unfortunately I feel my body has become useless, I tried the cross-trainer and lasted a mere 10 minutes which disheartened me; my stamina has left me and so has any health I may once have had. I am at a loss at having to start from scratch with something that requires so much motivation when my body seems to be working against me and so it is taking time for me to build the courage to find an exercise type I feel I can be accomplished at.     

My family holiday to Egypt therefore, could not have come at a better time. Though people may have thought that my mood prior to departure would have caused me to feel intimidated when facing the seemingly unlimited  choices of food in the buffets for breakfast, lunch AND dinner, I was enthusiastic as I know I am always able to escape into a world of comfort when I am away from home. Indeed, once on holiday I shed all the troubles I had and was fully able to make the most of the sun, sand, sea and of course the food. It is bizarre how much my emotions, which had been diving down at an alarming rate, could so suddenly pick up yet I am nothing but grateful for the time I spent there. I am proud to admit I had my favourite of pancakes for breakfast everyday over the 2 weeks and was unafraid to try all the foods and especially desserts the hotel had to offer. I never felt once that I had limited myself due to my fear of eating too much and putting on excessive weight, yet this may have been linked to the fact I took part in the daily activity of aqua-aerobics. Being home since (though for a short time) has been hard, but I am nowhere near in the same shape as I was before the holiday. So I thank my mum and dad for making it possible for me to escape.

Though I still have a month left of my summer ‘holiday’ before term starts again, I am more optimistic for what the next few weeks have to bring. I have a week in France visiting the family ahead of me, and this time round I am adamant to not be afraid of my grandma’s vast meals. I plan to make the most of the time I have really trying to perk up before embarking on another year at university. If there is one thing I regret since I have come home from Egypt however, is my inability to support my best friend on her fundraiser. She had planned a curry night to which I of course was invited. Though I initially accepted I did not think through the implications, yes I have eaten curry since my recovery, but I have not attempted this at a restaurant. I consistently have an image in my mind of a documentary that was filmed in an Indian restaurant and after seeing the excessive amounts of oils used in the restaurant cuisine, I have been put off. I would have attempted it for her sake had it not been the fact that I had just returned from eating so much on holiday; I needed a break. I have been stuck in a stationary rut all summer and I feel it is time to move on. I hope to remain on my road uphill and fight for my completed recovery with renewed passion. I am still taking time but there will come the day when I can admit to being fully free of my demons.      

Weeks of Weak

Vulnerability. For many of us the idea of revealing our weaknesses makes us shiver with the thought of them potentially being used against us. We therefore put on a façade of a tough exterior; we appear almost emotionless. When I was first writing my blog, I was scared of revealing my Achilles’ heel; my downfall with Anorexia, yet I felt it a necessity as I was carrying my illness as a banner through my emaciated frame. For many Eating Disorder sufferers, we have so long thrived in the secrecy of what we are doing to ourselves, that the idea of exposing it to the outside world is terrifying. This poses a problem when we are seeking help in recovery. If we are too afraid to speak out loud of our weakness with our disorder, then how can we ask for the necessary help? It is a fear that you cannot push someone to overcome, as not everyone feels they have the ability to be strong to bare all for others to judge. The ability to divulge your limitations comes with courage and an infallible trust in people.  

Since Easter, my life has been a rollercoaster full of numerous hurdles I was determined to overcome as well as the inevitable highs. My last term of my first year at university kicked off with significantly low motivation regarding my studies after finding out I was not chosen to go forward with the conversion to Dentistry. I therefore sought to focus more on the social aspect of university; a feature I had neglected during my midterm exams around January, due to my determination to succeed. With this came the building of closer friendships and eventually, complete trust in people. I believe my stubbornness in appearing head-strong at all times comes from my dad who rarely reveals his weaknesses in a bid to remain strong for his family. With this therefore, I find it hard to directly tell people how I am feeling. With spoken words comes a display of emotion, hence my preference to write down my thoughts and feelings. Instead people will read my words without me revealing the effort it took for me to put them on a page. Finding someone I trust so resolutely to be able to talk so openly to has always been tough for me. Therefore, recently, when I have found that my defences and barriers had been lowered unnoticed, I was surprised to find that I was able to trust again. Showing emotion and sharing my feelings has felt so alien, yet comforting as I know I will not be rebuked for it. I am grateful to know I have someone there.

Last week I got the great opportunity to return yet again to my old school to talk to 13-14 year old girls about eating disorders and specifically Anorexia. I wanted to share with them my experiences whilst suffering, whilst also educating them on what an eating disorder actually was. The courage it took to stand in front of a group people and reveal to them so openly how weak I had once been was near impossible to conjure up; it was terrifying. Yet knowing that I may have got through to even that single person made the whole experience more than worth it. I write my blogs to help others and so being able to see a direct effect of what I have to say on the girls’ faces was extremely rewarding. I was thanked. I was called an inspiration. Though I can deal with their gratitude for what I did, I still find it very hard to be considered an inspiration. I used to feel that if I had not been so weak in the first place to succumb to Anorexia then I wouldn’t be in the position in the first place, therefore why should I be honoured for a weakness? Slowly, I am beginning to understand that people are in fact celebrating my ability to overcoming such a tough phase in my life; my strength in recovering whilst empowering others to follow suit in the process.

Not so long ago, my sister and I were lucky enough to go on a week long holiday to Barcelona together. After a year apart, whilst I have been at university, it was nice to be able to spend time together again, despite the inevitable sibling bickering that occurs. During our stay, it reminded me just how much leaving the monotony of life at home behind changes my mind set and empowers me to try new things. We were eating extremely well whilst in Spain; it is hard not to! On one or two occasions, I was faced with a lot of bread and though in the back of my mind I did get a slight urge to not eat it, it was quickly forgotten as my want to eat the delicious foods overcame the voice. My sister was more or less eating exactly the same and it was definitely not harming her, so why shouldn’t I make the most of the food this beautiful country had to offer me. My pride in myself continues when I was able to eat quite a lot of cheese for enjoyment and felt little guilt once I had eaten it. Although I do not feel ready to introduce bread or cheese into my staple diet back home yet, I am still content that I did not miss out because of my Anorexia. That is a huge leap for me.

Yet again this term I was faced with dreadful exams. Knowing I had done so well last time not only in results but also in dealing with the stress without resulting to restricting food as a ‘coping mechanism’, made me feel bolder that I could do it again. I have still been more or less counting the number of calories I consume per day since I started doing so again in January, however I still do not let this influence how much I eat per day. It is still an element of control in the Anorexia no matter how much I try to argue to myself that it is out of curiosity. Another element that has slowly been cropping up throughout the year now that I am at a healthy weight is exercise. When I have mentioned my want to begin exercising again, I have had different reactions. Those who realise that it is not a want borne from a desire to lose weight but a want to tone up to the way I used to be when I was a dancer and regain some form of stamina and fitness, have encouraged me. Yet there has been scepticism from others until I explain my reasoning to them. I know I am not fat and at a good weight. I will admit that recently I have feared for the amount I eat compared to the amount of energy I dispense. Now that the summer holidays have arrived for me, I am no longer required to leave the house as much as well as having a car at my disposal when I do so. It has therefore been playing on my mind quite a lot and am as of yet still unsure what to make of this situation.

Though I have been faced with admitting to my weaknesses recently, as well as having my surface broken down to reveal the emotional side of me inside, I do not feel in any way vulnerable. I have exposed everything I have got and people can make of it anything they wish to, but it is in being entirely honest that people have come to respect who I am. I have been through so much in the past that, though I am not indifferent to what people think of me, I feel I have strength to overcome being influenced to change my ways to conform to what they would probably like better. This strength is only consolidated with knowing I have trust in people and that they will carry me through the times when I do doubt myself. I have strength only through revealing my weaknesses.