Full Of Guts

Courage. The ability to be able to face difficulties presented to you despite your fears is a trait that many admire as well as endeavour to possess.  As humans, we have the instinct to stick to what we know; to what we feel is safe. Yet we all have the ability to be brave and venture out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves. It will certainly not come easily- but then, why should it? The mere demonstration of having courage requires the fact that it is out of the norm which henceforth acquires the respect from all observant parties. Often, motivation and own experiences empower a person to illustrate their courage, as you must become bold enough to initiate an act of valour regardless of potential dangers. Courage need not be a heroic act whereby you save a ‘damsel in distress’ per se, but it can take on many forms depending on the fears addressed. We are not all super-heroes, yet we have a notion that these are the only ‘people’ who warrant the title of being brave- acts of heroism being their day jobs actually annihilates all doubts they may have had in themselves and becomes a sort of routine. True courage is when someone we would see as ordinary performs the extraordinary and accepts their feat with humility. With Anorexia, I have found that opportunities insistent on the need to be brave arise around every corner. Whether it be the courage to eat a particular food or ‘merely’ the courage to confide in someone, they merit a huge applause, as any aspect of an eating disorder is arduous to overcome.

Being the shy person I have always been, the fact that I began to open up so publically about my eating disorder required me to put my inhibitions behind me and write from the heart. To me, writing my thoughts and feelings down came relatively easily as I was not face to face with the reactions of those who would be reading my exploits. Though I was thought to have been brave for admitting to having had an eating disorder and revealing every detail of my suffering, I did not see it that way. I personally saw it as a necessity to make myself heard; to make myself understood by a judgemental society whom I knew had made wrongful assumptions behind my succumbing to Anorexia. However, this past week I achieved a goal I had never thought I’d have the guts to fulfil. I SPOKE out. Having a few months ago been unable to verbalise my disorder to even my manager at work, this week I got the opportunity to return to my old school to speak to a group of 180, 14-15 year old girls about Anorexia and divulge my story. I was humbled by the praise I received for having achieved what I had set out to do- educate society and if possible, help even one person step towards recovery- and therefore I accepted the idea that I had in this case been courageous. I basked in the euphoria of having young girls come up to me and acknowledge the usefulness of what I had just done. I had not expected the silence in the room and the respect I received from each person who hung on to my every word and even asked questions; they were genuinely interested in what I had to say and they wanted to learn more. It is in accomplishing to speak out about my disorder and having to face the instantaneous reactions that I really gleaned how much what I was doing was a help for others.

The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster ride in terms of battling the meagre hold the Anorexia still has on me- its vice like grip loses intensification with each finger I remove whilst getting closer to a complete recovery. I have admitted to still eating slowly and to avoiding particular foods as well as picking the lowest calorie choice from a menu, however when I decided to go on a holiday to Paris with only my sister by side, I could not have expected just how much I would challenge myself. I had initially been worried, as I knew breakfast was a buffet selection and being wary of my knowledge of portion sizes I did not know whether I would be able to cope with this much freedom. However, I was comfortable knowing that my sister is a good role model for how much I should eat though I felt it necessary to warn her beforehand that I would be following what she would be eating during the day so as to not make her feel unnerved. When it came to actually our very first meal in Paris it was fast food chicken wings, which we shared. I can genuinely say that I cannot recollect the last time I have eaten fast food and the fact that I ate it with no qualms really shocked me- if my sister could do it then so could I. My biggest shock came when I virtually matched my sister’s pace of eating, only finishing a few seconds behind her! Being in the Disneyland theme park, we had action packed days and I therefore had little time to think about food nor did I want to waste the precious time we had to have fun on eating and so I won out over my Anorexia. Now back home, the courage I had has unfortunately not resulted in a permanent change, and the fact that I am leading dreary days indoors with little to do means that eating slowly fills up my seemingly unending free time.

During my week in Paris, I picked out foods from the menus which I craved; I finally felt like myself again, eating what I wanted and not letting it be dictated by my Anorexia. I wouldn’t say that I have recovered but I do feel a lot more confident in myself and the closer I have got to my weight target has been a huge help too. I ate dishes with chips, large portioned dishes and even washed them down with a well-deserved cocktail. I even ordered dessert. I have always had a sweet tooth and had up until this point been wary of many desserts, sticking to muffins or fruit cakes and tarts shying away from the pastries and creamy ones. I managed to eat a whole pain-au-chocolat each morning, as well as follow my lunch with an afternoon snack of two generous scoops of Ben and Jerries ice-cream and finish off my evening meal with a whole array of delicious desserts including banana splits, crepes and waffles. The decadence was overwhelming but long awaited.

I would have expected to feel intense guilt and a requirement to be punished by my Anorexia, but miraculously I feel good- really good. I have learnt to accept that indulgence is not an everyday occurrence and I am ALLOWED to enjoy food. It has to be said that outside of a holiday environment I have yet to be brave enough to explore how much I can push the boundaries my Anorexia has so long held over me but in time I now know that it will be achievable; one step at a time. I know that I have the ability to influence those around me and this pushes me towards the need to recover, as I want to do everyone proud as well as be a motivation for others to follow my suit. I look forward to being able to speak publically again, having overcome the fear of only isolating my thoughts to the computer. I think that words can be somewhat more poignant when delivered out-loud. With my upcoming holidays I know that I must carry with me the knowledge of my accomplishments so far and therefore not be scared to repeat them- though I have a fear of starting to binge-eat. The more I push myself, the more comfortable it will become. I just need the courage. Recovery is scary, but perseverance leads to great achievements.

A Dish Best Served Cold

Revenge. A nasty human trait formulated by the desire to settle a score. In life we will each face the inescapable act of being deceived by someone else but it is whether we personally decide to retaliate which determines the true outcome of such a deception. As children (and even into adulthood) we are urged by others to ‘turn the other cheek’ or that ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ but just leaving it be and letting the deceiver bask in the satisfaction of having hurt you, more often than not leads to a need for vengeance too potent to ignore; we cannot simply let the person get away with it unscathed. Initially we will instinctively search for ways to belittle our opponent in our own petty-mindedness; a quest to push the right buttons and hit them where it hurts. But what is done is done and whether or not we decide to pursue the path that ends in vindictiveness the truth of the matter is, should you really sink down to their level? It is always easy to say we should take the moral high ground but in defying this we get an instant gratification- the problem being it is merely a façade of contentment that does not last. Soon enough reality does hit and you are left with the initial hurt and the guilt of retaliation. I believe however, when it came to taking revenge on my Anorexia, vengeance was not only the right path for me, but the only one I was willing to take.

Anorexia has no emotions and no care for the person it is invading; its main objective is to impose misery and be in total control. I personify the disorder because I see it as a ‘being’ that has somewhat physically intruded my mind, making it easier for me to justify that this new personality trait was not part of me but rather an outsider controlling me. The Anorexia does not warrant me shrugging off just how much it affected my life over this past year by inflicting pain upon not only me but those I cherish and so I consider every positive outcome to be a personal victory and revenge on the disorder that sought to destroy me. It is as if every forkful is a big ‘stuff you’ to the Anorexia that had so long forbidden me to enjoy food. My original personality is such that, I do not lie low and dismiss hurtful comments. The passion for vengeance burns within me producing vivid ideas of how to avenge myself, however I do not seek to act in a spiteful way and so I mull over my options to get to the most constructive in the long run. This is why the retributions that have occurred over the past year have been so effective.

It was not enough for me to simply fight the illness for myself, I am not used to showing vulnerability and so I turned it around by proving I could be courageous enough to inspire others. I think the fact that I have been allowed to remain within the community during my recovery has opened my eyes to the harsh reality that Anorexia is far from being understood and even accepted as a true disorder by our society. It isolates you entirely from the world and makes you appear selfish when in fact it is a deliberate detachment from those who care for you in a bid to remain as secretive as possible; no one should interfere with the Anorexia’s plan of destruction. Though I very much chose to remain in a nomadic state during the few months of my relapse, I reached out to others via my written words in my own fight to make myself heard and be reintegrated in the community as opposed to being shunned for my bony figure. By revealing so publically how much I had deteriorated due my Anorexia, I could not lie to myself about my food intake; it gave me a determination to prove to others that I was still strong enough to persevere in recovery. I have been told that it is rare that sufferers choose a path to help others whilst still struggling with recovery but I would not have felt I was doing myself justice if I did not personally explain why I had succumbed to Anorexia. I felt misunderstood.

Of course there are still aspects of my disorder I have not quite been able impose my rebellion on, though I am reluctant to admit this. I do not want to see the Anorexia as still having any sort of control over me but I don’t know whether it is a fear from experience that leaves me hesitant to change or the disorder stopping me. I still feel the need to eat at a tediously slow pace and in a way that would not be acceptable in a social situation, especially with my aversion to drawing attention to my disorder. I get a sense that when I am faced with a day whereby I have nothing planned, then eating slowly means I have less time between meals to think obsessively about food. I am aware and grateful that I do not fixate myself entirely on my nutrition anymore but I cannot afford the risk of spiralling back into this compulsive behaviour. Of course if the situation requires me to eat at a ‘regular’ pace then I am more or less able to do so, such as in restaurants where I know I have the distraction of conversation and socialising. No matter the pace I will however, only ever have one item on my fork at all times. I have not found the necessity within me to resume normality in my home where I feel safe and would regard myself as gluttonous if I were to do so. In a way I don’t actually want to but is it my decision or the Anorexia’s? It is not a viable way to continue eating in the long run and therefore it is an issue I feel will be essential to address.

There are so many famous sayings revolving around the issue of revenge, each one contradicting the other: ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’ or ‘don’t get mad, get even’. I feel in a social situation it is best to sit back and judge a situation rather than acting on impulse but with the likes of Anorexia, it 100% deserved my goal for obliteration. Since succumbing to the disorder I have a closer and more honest relationship with my family whilst the Anorexia sought to isolate me. I have reached out to try and help others whilst the Anorexia sought to turn me insular. I have regained some weight and my body has filled out whilst the Anorexia sought to make me waste away. I have mostly regained control whilst the Anorexia sought to make me bow down to its regime. I no longer have a fear of leaving my house or even the fear of the thought of going out clubbing with my friends, what is now stopping me is a confidence in myself and in the way I look; I do not quite feel I could be attractive. The Anorexia is no longer the boss of me and I making sure it will never again misjudge my vulnerability; I have the strength to fight my battle and see it through to the end.

Reality Served On a Platter

Comparison. An act conducted by the putting together of two things in order to distinguish their similarities and differences. Every one of us compares ourselves to another, be it in admiration or to raise ones self-esteem. It is a way by which we determine what is acceptable in society or what we can be led to believe is ‘perfection’. Comparing yourself negatively can only lead to dissatisfaction and so why should be feel obliged to covet the life or looks of someone we idolise? In a sense it does give you a goal to reach and a motivation, but if it is simply unrealistic and unattainable then misery ensues. People blame eating disorders on the media who seemingly promote the need to be ‘model thin’- a judgement with some merit due to the influential and persuasive nature of the industry. However, it is not necessarily the comparison of one’s self to the likes of a model which is a sole cause, as you can find competition anywhere if you are particularly seeking it. The whole ‘my horse is bigger than your horse’ scenario spurs the Anorexia into overdrive as it aims to dominate. The requirement to be the lightest or to have the smallest meal is amplified by the illusion of sizing your body up or the meal in front of you during comparisons. It is a constant fight to regain the trust in yourself to be able to judge a portion correctly or accept what you see in the mirror.

It was a somewhat welcome surprise to realise that a whole year had passed since I had begun to record a food diary. Though it has been a month or so since I have not felt the need to keep track of my intake, for the purpose of my blog this week I have decided to portray the differences between my portion sizes a year to the day. In providing you with a direct comparison, you can see just how far I have come in my recovery process. It is also a way of proving to myself that the hard work is paying off. The weight regain is only validation of this. 

Day	Meal	2011	2012
11/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Cereal, Benecol, Juice
	Lunch	½ Light Choice Meal, Muller Light yogurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Cup-a-Soup, Ryvita	Pasta with Puttanesca Sauce, Scrambled Egg with Tomato, Shape Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Chocolate Mousse	Morning: Dried Fruit and Nut, Evening: Reese’s Chocolate
12/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Veal, Peas, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Lemon yogurt, Fruit
	Dinner	Soup, Ryvita, Muller Light Yogurt	Prawn Stirfry, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	1 Mini Toblerone Triangle	Morning: Dried Fruit and Nuts, Evening:Tobelerone triangle, Macaroon
13/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Soup, Muller Light yogurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Egg, 6 Asparagus	M&S Beef Cannelloni, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Chocolate Mousse	Morning: Dried Fruit and Nuts Afternoon: roughly 1/3 Medium Salty Popcorn
14/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Chicken, Ebly, Tomato, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Yogurt, Fruit
	Dinner	Soup, Ryvita, Fruit	Steak, Steamed Potatoes, Salad with Vinaigrette, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	1 Chocolate Covered Orange Rind	Morning: Dried Fruit & Nuts Evening:Macaroon, Toblerone Triangle
15/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Soup, Muller Light yoghurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Salmon, Ryvita with Extra Light Philadelphia Spread, 4 Grapes	Fish Pie, Melon, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Lemon Mousse	Morning: Dried Fruits and Nuts Evening:Chocolate Macaroon, Toblerone Triangle
16/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Soup, Ryvita, Muller Light yogurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Smarties yogurt, Fruit
	Dinner	Chicken, Mash	2 Slices Ham, Butterbeans in Tomato Sauce, Caramel yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Alpen Light Bar	Morning:Dried Fruit and Nuts Evening:2 Toblerone Triangles
17/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Veg Pot, Fruit	Guinea-Fowl with Cider Gravy, Tagliatelle, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Soup, Fruit	Smoked Salmon, Asparagus with Light Choices French Dressing, Caramel Yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Lemon Mousse, 1 Thorntons Truffle	Afternoon:Dried Fruit and Nuts Evening: Chocolate and Caramel Millionaire's Tart

I have refrained from including the quantity of calories or the amount of each food-type that was consumed even though I had meticulously recorded both of these to the last digit during my restriction phase. My reasons being that NO ONE should emulate this pitiful diet for which I was blinded into seeing as ‘3 balanced meals’. The consequences of me having followed this particular stage in my nutrition plan for around 3 weeks were catastrophic which is when I started visiting my dietician. My weight plummeted dangerously low in a scarily small amount of time; I was weak, cold and exhausted. My metabolism had slowed down to a sluggish pace with my whole digestive tract working sporadically. But a terrifying result was a partial loss of hearing at random and frequent times. My body was shutting down even my most essential of senses in order to preserve the little energy entering my body. You could hardly dare to imagine that this was what I was nourishing myself with in the middle of my exams nor believe that I could achieve the results I accomplished as a consequence- my mum at the time did not understand the disorder and would try and scare me into eating by telling me I would fail. It is true I wasn’t receiving the necessary strength from my food to flourish.

 What you must also be made aware of, is that the 2011 plan I have shared with you was devised from an agreement with my parents to slowly increase my calorie intake. I was in fact eating far less than this before the decision was made. I distinctly remember- as I am unlikely to ever forget- sitting in the kitchen in the evening bargaining with my dad on the food I would eat the next day; I would cry and protest if he forced upon me a quantity of food larger than what my Anorexia was prepared to allow me to have. Following the tediously long period it would take for me to finish a meal, I would then have to further endure what would often take up to half an hour each evening sifting through the many ‘no’s’ from me until my diet was formulated. I was not to sway from our pre-arranged agreement; it was like a binding contract. If I missed out on reaching my target one day, my dad would press upon me the need to make up for it the next day on top of the target I had been set; when you eat so little, every calorie skipped counts. Initially eager at the prospect of creating an exciting new diet plan with a professional dietician, I had led myself to believe that she would commend my eating habits and was convinced she would create a ‘healthier’ version of my low calorie diet. As this was clearly and quite rightly not the case, my Anorexia felt deceived and initially fought back harder and so I scoffed at any suggestion made to improve my intake. 

 Calories and fat content were not my only downfall; the perception of quantity played a huge role in my inability to consume even the minimum required number of calories. The Anorexia deliberately eliminated the meagre calorie density of the food in my own plate from that of others around me. A meal where I would have had more in my plate regardless of how many less calories there were caused me immeasurable distress. It is bizarre to think that the sheer sight of half a pepper in my plate caused me to cry in disbelief as much as if a block of cheese had been placed in front of me to eat. I would refuse any accompanying sauces, any shred of fat or anything that had touched oil in the cooking process. Therefore food was tasteless and bland- a poison as opposed to the medicine for my condition that it really was. 

Revisiting what I would eat a year ago has been not only insightful but a huge shock to me. I have easily conjured up the memory of the horrible guilty feelings that would surge through my body as I ate and the pain caused through each mouthful but I find it impossible to explain how I can still be jealous of the person that ate so little. I KNOW I never want to fall back into Anorexic tendencies and become a shell of who I am again, but I have not yet been able to shut out the increasingly rare stream of venomous thoughts from my Anorexia- though I no longer act upon the impulse. I asked myself when I would consider myself to be recovered. Truth be told, though I know I will most likely glance at the calorie content for the rest of my life (it is impossible with the traffic light colours blaring out at you at the front of food packets) I want to reach the stage where I can trust myself to judge a correct portion. I know I could so easily revert back to serving myself that spoonful less by deeming it ‘unnecessary’ even though I want it. I also don’t quite know what a regular portion is anymore so all portions are served by or compared to that of my parents. If I am to serve myself I seek reassurance from those around me and it is gratifying when my portion is accepted; it means I am returning to normality. Little by little I am regaining a sense of what it is like to enjoy food and that comparing what I have in a competitive manner is pointless. I should eat what I enjoy and not what I think has the least calories. In time I am adamant to be able to do so.