Laughter is the Best Medicine

Laughter. A human behavior that is an outward signal emulating a particular emotion. Whether it is a reaction to humour or whether it is a way one deals with pain and loss, laughter can be a therapeutic way to release inner feelings. The most common association of the laugh is one of amusement, whereby we express our appreciation in a moment of hilarity. When suffering from mental disorders merriment can seem like a rare occurrence, especially when dealing with depression. Since falling victim to my anorexic tendencies yet again over Christmas, it seemed that joy was seldom a part of my life as I wallowed in my dark mood and lack of enthusiasm. However, recently since restarting my anti-depressants I have acquired a new perspective on my life, feeling more fulfilled and actually enjoying what I do. When you cannot see the end of the tunnel, it is hard to ever imagine you will reach the place where you are content.

Having the opportunity to go skiing yet again this year with my friends at university, it was a motivation to get myself on a weight restoration diet so I could be healthy enough to go. I find that no matter how much I eat, putting on weight has been extremely slow this time around. Although, I am far more comfortable taking weight gain in its stride, I had expected it to go at a faster rate, much like 2 years ago. Therefore, I left to ski at a lower weight than I would have liked. It is very scary for me to eat ‘fear foods’ and I feel at times like I am getting out of control and overindulging. What if I cannot stop myself from eating so much food once I have attained my target weight? What if I start bingeing after such a long period of restriction? What if…? What if…? What if…?

What I must bare in mind at all times is that I was able to do it once before; I guess the only scary part is this time I feel more alone. Despite having the means to should I so wish, I do not have the support of my therapist and living away from my family at home I do not have their constant support either. It makes it more difficult to stay motivated on my path, yet I feel I have accomplished a lot despite this. I know I will always have people to talk to, even some I had not expected to still be behind me, yet its never easy to admit out loud when you are having problems. I find it hard to trust people with my deepest emotions especially when I feel that exposing myself emotionally in the past has led me to nothing but trouble. My blog has been one of the only ways I cannot lie to others or myself that something is wrong. Yes it is revealing myself in a more public way than I would like, but this way people can chose or not to read and take on my burdens by offering help.

I have come to realise that one of the biggest fears stopping me from wanting to go out is the cold. I have a phobia of the cold wracking through my body and tensing up all the muscles in my back; I associate the cold with a bad time in my life. It therefore seems contradictory that I would chose a skiing holiday to challenge my going out fears, yet it worked wonders. I can safely say, not once did I feel cold on my week away, something I have not felt in a very long time and it was refreshing. I was able to enjoy myself and socialise in a way I had not done since succumbing to Anorexia again; I was not self-conscious of being myself. I did not over analyse whether people liked me, how what I said would be interpreted and I came to accept that my company was one that was appreciated. It is hard to feel accepted when you have been a social recluse for so long but not once did I not feel comfortable with anyone I was with.

Being around supportive friends 24/7 who had no care in the world about their diets, yet ate sanely was extremely beneficial to me. I was able to eat a croque-monsieur (an ultra cheesy concoction on bread) served with chips i.e. carbs and fat overload, without much fear at all. In fact I was able to not even feel the guilt I usually would from eating such foods. If others I respect and look up to could do it, then so could I.  I also indulged myself in pizza as well as crisp like nibbles between meals; something I have abstained from doing since I first became ill 3 years ago! Eating at a regular pace is something I feel I can do when in public, however, I like to have at least one meal a day where I can take my time and I do not have to think about eating. I had no such choice on the matter this week and it was stressful but I did find myself able to eat around a table at a regular pace with all my friends.

Although I am loathe to admitting it to my parents and family, it is a holiday fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol. In my eyes, alcohol is full of empty calories so again I fear its effects, especially when eating so heartily at the same time. Yet, I was able to put these thoughts aside and drank alcohol mixed with sugary juices before going out in the evenings, as well as slurping on the occasional vin chaud or two in the afternoon. Although, I have been able to drink alcohol previously, I would never usually succumb to the hunger pangs one usually gets after a night out due to the hypoglycemic effects of alcohol. However, without a care in the world I would indulge on yet more calories upon coming home from a night full of dancing. I felt normal.

I cannot believe the effects that leaving the country and the comforts of a ritual has made to me. I literally pushed all the boundaries I had been afraid of for so long and could be myself. I have only the group of friends I went on holiday with to thank for that, as without them I do not think I would have had half the fun I did. I cannot remember the last time my stomach hurt from laughing so much, yet it was a regular occurrence over the week. I find myself even smiling as I write this, so thank you everyone. Yes, it is still tough for me but the fact remains, that I know I can fight the Anorexia and I hope to say one day that it has been beaten once and for all.

I will try to fix you...

Fix. When something goes wrong, there is a requirement to adjust the situation and revert things to their natural order. It is never clear which route is the right one to take in order to achieve the sense of harmony there was before and more often than not there are multiple paths to choose from. However, the problem arises when wanting a quick route out of the situation. There is never a happy ending quick fix. In the case of finding a treatment for Anorexia, seldom will sufferers find the same route to recovery the right one for them. This is what makes it so difficult to treat an eating disorder; trial and error can take months if not years. Breaking out of fixed habits however is a necessity. Recovery can be slow but it is also achievable with perseverance.

 After having finally accepted that I was not yet strong enough mentally to cope without antidepressants, I started upon a new course of medication in the New Year. It was not a decision neither my GP nor I took lightly. Antidepressants, as many would be led to believe, are not an easy way out of dealing with rough patches in ones life and are to be taken as a serious way to help people manage with depression. A subsequent effect to suffering from Anorexia is often depression and for me I was led into a viscous circle of originally not having the strength to once more fight and win against my Anorexia. Since then I am proud of my achievements. I have come on leaps and bounds and have once more started to be the person I have always strived to be. Of course I am not in denial that things are still tough and I still have a lot yet to fix, but in the last 3 months, I yet again cannot compare myself to the person I had been over the Christmas period.

The hardest thing about reattempting recovery is the weight restoration. I constantly kick myself that I allowed myself to once again lose a significant amount of weight, as putting it back on is a lot tougher than it seems. I currently feel as if I am constantly eating and snacking in order to achieve the extra 2500 calories it takes to put on 1pound in a week. I wish I could snap my fingers and my body would be back to what it was over summer when I was at one of my happiest and most confident. Yet, at the same time I NEED to take this slowly and readjust to my body building up again. I am on the same restoration diet I was on when I initially lost the weight but I have yet to see what benefits it has been having. I continued losing weight despite my increased calorie intake and at first this was disheartening. But why give up? Why admit defeat? I managed to restore my weight once and therefore am perfectly capable of doing it again; I believe I have finally reached the upward spiral. I have turned the curve around.

Skiing has always been my outlet, despite going barely more than one week a year. When I was first recovering 2 years ago, I came back from a week away in the mountains feeling rejuvenated and ready to fight. So this year when I joined my family for a brief holiday away I challenged myself as I had never challenged myself before. I had pastries for breakfast, I had hot chocolate on the slopes, pancakes and I even had a pizza. I even went for a hearty 3 course meal and ate it all to which my dad admitted had made him so happy to see me eat so freely again and enjoy it. I came to accept that it would not hurt my body to have such calorie dense food once in a while and that I actually needed it to sustain my body after physical exertion and the cold. I will admit these are feats I will not be repeating again very soon, but it broke a barrier in my brain that I had for so long been fighting against. 

Coming back to university was the biggest surprise for me. I ditched the calculator and have officially stopped religiously counting my daily calorie intake; something I had not done for over a year. I used to fix my calorie intake so that it would always fall below a target amount. Naively I had yet again let my Anorexia poison me into thinking it wouldn’t do me any harm but would empower me and make me stronger. I was weak. I was cold. I was losing weight.  I read Biomedical Sciences and am well aware of the implications of starvation, yet I did not let that logic apply to myself at the time. Realising I had fallen back into the noxious delirium created by the Anorexia, I had to push through my clouded mind and once again recover. If anything this has now made me stronger. I can admit this as I sit here thinking about things other than the number of calories I will allow myself to eat today.

With a newfound determination to recover, came my desire to once more go out and socialise. I realise that I cannot yet be spontaneous with plans and that they do still revolve around my meal times, yet I have allowed myself a lot more flexibility. It still makes me anxious breaking out of my comfortable eating habits, but if I want to live a normal life, I must challenge it. Meeting a like-minded person, who also supported me every step of the way, has been of a huge benefit to me. I have found someone I can just relieve all my anxieties with, without the fear of being judged and I find that comforting. It has allowed me to take the baby steps in my recovery and slowly immerse myself back into a healthy social life, without being pushed in to the deep end. Of course that is not to say that others around me and back at home have not supported me too. I am always in constant awe of how much people really do care.

I have always set the bar high for myself, so not seeing immediate effects of a recovery can be very discouraging to me. However, I have learnt to use the pressure I put on myself in a positive way. I utilise it in my challenges and in my need to achieve. It can be frustrating at times to not wake up without having to worry about having enough calories in the day, or being socially anxious about going out and leaving my comfort zone. I am 21 years old and I should not be afraid of going out and having fun, but the run up can seem like such a chore as I push myself to not back out of commitments. I have so much to look forward to and I know they can only be achieved through my continued fight against Anorexia. It will be slow and I will feel like I’m going nowhere at times.  What I must always remember however is that one-day I will be fixed.

Deal with the Devil

Deal. A multifaceted word, which is often used simply as another term for coping. Dealing with an eating disorder can be an extremely challenging time for both the sufferer and those around them, as people become a shadow of themselves, obsessed only with the controlling of food. Sometimes in dealing with the stress of suffering, depression will commonly rear its ugly head making the notion of recovery one that is far beyond reach. But coping with the ups and downs and the world around you is something in life we will always have to face. As 2013 has come to an end, there have inevitably been some highs and lows that I was forced to deal with in a multitude of ways.

Dealing with stress has always been one of my biggest problems. Over the summer marked a huge turning point in my recovery when I was finally able to come off anti-depressants. However, this also initiated the return of me having to deal with emotions- be they euphoric or anguish- all by myself.  Unfortunately I did not bode well. I felt the repercussions at times when I was bored or felt alone, but I was hopeful that it would soon rectify itself with the start of my second year at university where I would be kept busy with work and a social life. Unfortunately this was not to be the case, as my high expectations of the university life-style resulting from the one I had lived previously were to change dramatically. The amount of work, the distance from groups of friends you would usually have seen daily in University accommodation and the significant reduction in the time for a social life were all to come together to shape a term where I have felt alone.

I would specifically like to dedicate this blog to depression. With the exam season fast approaching, it has induced a state of depression within me. Of course I am well aware that a multitude of factors I have either not yet understood or have not allowed myself to acknowledge have also contributed to this. I feel yet again stuck at a point in my life whereby nothing is moving forwards. With the 2^nd round of rejections for Dentistry earlier last year, I now feel like I am doing a degree that is wasting another 2 years of my life. I have a yearning to achieve but I feel my continuation is being held back from where I feel I really aught to be heading, yet I know that it is only my mind telling me so.  The stress of dealing with any sort of rejection is a bitter pill to swallow. Whether it concerns education, friendships or even relationships, you can’t help but question just what it is that you did wrong and generally end up feeling like a failure.

I have pushed myself for so long to be the beacon of hope in recovery that I felt everyone was expecting me to be. No one has ever forced me to be happy and content all the time but as a society we all tend to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to other people’s problems. We all think that no one wants to hear that we have been struggling with any sort of depression in the fear that people will judge you for it being far too minor a woe or simply that we will bring them down. I want to fight against that. No I am not happy at the moment. I am finding it hard to socialise. I am finding it hard to eat. There, I have said it; I have been slowly regressing back into my Anorexia.

Having lasted only 6 months without them, the 1^st of January 2014 marked the beginning of me starting on a course of antidepressants again. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I have been an awful person to live with for the past few months, becoming snappy, unsociable and anxious in any social situation. Anything that breaks from my ‘routine’ of meal times is a huge stress for me and I yet again I feel I must revolve a lot of my plans around meal times. The person I am when I am around my family is one I had hoped would never return. I am jealous, spiteful and rude and I feel guilty that some members of my family feel they should accept it just because I am depressed; they shouldn’t have to, yet I just can’t help myself. I want to be the kind and easygoing person I was only a year back, the person that was confident in her abilities to make friends and feel accepted in a group. I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere at the moment due to having alienated myself, I just hope it is not too late to fight for a reintegration.

I honestly- and naively- thought that my days with coping with Anorexia were behind me. But it is like an addiction; you need to work to maintain recovery and work to fight against the disorder’s vicious voices. However, it makes me therefore think, will I ever be free of these demons? For reasons unbeknown to me, I strive to eat less than everyone around me rather than the same amount, therefore constantly and annoyingly comparing my plate to others. It makes me feel strong and empowered knowing that I am not eating as much as everyone else. Why am I being so stupid? How can I even begin to think that what I am doing is an acceptable way to nourish myself? I KNOW it isn’t but I am at a stage whereby the comfort it brings me outweighs any logic; it is a constant mind game. It has been especially hard over the Christmas period for me, due to food being such a huge part of the celebrations. Yet, it has also been somewhat easier to hide the fact I am not eating as much because the French -being foodies- usually end up dragging out festive meals over hours, so I ended up having only a single meal for both lunch and dinner yet not compensating by eating more. My grandma would lay out a copious amount of nibbles every evening prior to the meal, which led to dinner being a lot lighter than it usually would. I would abstain from eating these meaning I would be eating far less than I should have been especially considering that I still do not eat bread with my meal, which the french generally substitute as the carbohydrates in their meals. Of course I am certain my parents noticed this, but did not have the energy to fight with me in front of family and friends. However, the hardest feeling to deal with is guilt. Guilt for the way I treat my parents, my friends…my sister. Guilt for eating too much, but especially guilt for letting everyone down when they believed I was so strong.

I am sorry to everyone who looks to me for inspiration for being weak and regressing. I will however say, I will NEVER let myself get to the stage whereby the Anorexia takes over. I am far too strong for that and I am beginning to fight back against the voices of the Anorexia and hope to come back twice as strong. I will beat it once and for all; I just need accept that it will take time and that I am never going to be ok 100% of the time. As time goes on, I slowly and surely will not need it to be a means of coping with my stress and find ways to channel anxiety more productively. I am going to get better, and I believe it, as I believe in myself. I have so much to look forward to in this coming year, but in order for my plans to be successful, I need to be healthy. I have never been one to set a goal at the beginning of each year, but this time around I feel it is appropriate to do so; My new years resolution is to fight against my Anorexia, fight against my depression and to be the person I know I can be.

Comeback Kid

Return. Depending on the initial situation, the return of something can be regarded as either a positive or negative event. When we have been left with good memories, being presented with the recurrence of a particularly joyous circumstance, we can be overwhelmed with a sense of relief or even rejoice in its appearance. However, pair the return to a negative and sometimes dangerous situation, the fear of a comeback with all its associated feelings and subsequent results can be hard to handle. For an Anorexia sufferer in recovery, the gradual and unpremeditated reappearance of Anorexic traits can drive your self-belief in achieving a full recovery to an all time low.  However, in such circumstances and for whatever reason behind the apparent regression, being optimistic is key. By looking for the positive aspects around you, you can eventually pick yourself up and fight it; you have already proved that you are strong enough to do so.

With the Christmas holidays looming, the end of my first semester of my second year at university could not come any sooner. My return to university was plagued with ups and downs that shaped how well I would cope with all the hurdles that were to come. Friendships played a big part in the outcomes. Letting my guard down is very hard for me to do, therefore having previously been disappointed when revealing myself to people so entirely, I have reservations about doing so in order to avoid being hurt again.  However, I allowed myself to begin to trust certain people during my final months of university before summer. Of course long breaks between seeing people can be hard and sometimes detrimental, and I was in fact to be bitterly disappointed with what I was to come back to. Fortunately I have not wallowed over this, as it was put into disregard by the reinforcement of friendships with more reliable people I had around me.

Unfortunately, with the return to university came the return of me weighing my food out to check portion sizes again. I religiously weigh out most foods so I know exactly how much I am having and essentially counting up my daily calorie intake. It is hard to be fully in charge of what I am eating again, rather than having the comfort of knowing that I am being served the same food and amount as everyone else (such is the situation at home). Being in a house this year with a group of girls who are completely understanding of what I have been through these past few years, has helped me in not feeling ashamed of my eating habits. I could not have asked for anything more, as I feel I can be comfortable eating in my own home without any questioning glances. Relaxing whilst eating in public is a big step I have had to overcome and it took me a while to do so, as I originally took to eating alone in my room. This however, led to me feeling left out in a lot of the social situations that were occurring throughout the house. With my growing confidence and trust in the girls, this problem is no longer in effect.

My stress levels recently have been skyrocketing. It is unclear to me whether having come off the anti-depressants over summer has played a part in how I am now dealing with the stress or not. There is no given reason for the way I am reacting to the amount of work I feel I have to do, as I feel I dealt with it in a much more positive manner last year. This is certainly having an effect on my mood and I feel bad for the way I take it out on those around me, especially my housemates. They have had to live with someone who, holes herself in her room working for hours on end, and having little conversation to contribute upon exposing myself to social situations. I want and NEED to break out of the rut I am creating in order to feel better about myself and live the carefree student life I am supposed to be leading.

On a lighter notes, I have returned to one of my favorite hobbies after 3 long years; dancing.  When I quit dancing, it was to focus on my A level exams and it played a part in my development of Anorexia. Beginning to dance again felt so good, as I got the immediate rush of freedom dance brings to you. When I dance I can forget all my troubles, so this has definitely been a huge stress relief. However, I find myself getting distressed by the newfound limitations of my body. Three years is a long time to go without exercise, especially after muscle wastage due to my Anorexia so I have to be patient in the time it will take to regain even a semblance of the dance abilities I used to possess. I am however, taking this return to exercise slowly, as I am unsure how it will affect my weight in relation to the way I nourish myself nutritionally. It is hard to know exactly how much I need to adapt my diet in order to compensate for the increased activity. So far I think I am dealing well but only time will tell and I am determined to keep on top of it. The exercise is NOT for weight loss; it is merely a normal desire to live a healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.

 

These last few months of studying have been hard going but I was given the opportunity of a welcome break on my 21^st birthday in November. What better way to turn 21, than to celebrate in my all time favorite city- New York. Getting to visit the Big Apple after falling in love with its atmosphere and general life-style three years ago was one of the biggest highlights in a long time. Spending my birthday with my whole family together was also a bonus, as it has unfortunately become too much of a rarity. When I first visited, my Anorexia had already begun to take hold of me and therefore I really restricted myself when it came to food. In America, when it comes to portions it’s all about ‘go big or go home’, so this time round- with no inhibitions- I really let lose in what I ate. I made sure I ate what I WANTED, and not what I thought would have fewer calories (if that is even possible in America!!); this was only accentuated by my choice of an all you can eat steak house for my birthday dinner.

Finally feeling I have the time to write again has been of a huge benefit to me. As I come to the end of writing this post, I feel somewhat freer in having admitted to the potential problems I have not been entirely able to express aloud. It is always hard to feel that I am unwittingly regressing into the old habits that stem from my Anorexia due to me using it as a coping mechanism for the many stresses I have around me. I want to be strong and I want to continue to be an inspiration for recovery to those around me. I feel I am letting everyone down, as I have not yet completely let go of the illness I have been convincing myself and others I have left behind. I know that I should not be too hard on myself, yet because I know that I have the capability to combat it I feel that I should want to but it is hard to let go of that final comfort. The time will come though, I am certain of it…