Weighing Up the Consequences

Guilt. Being guilty comes from the actual perpetration of a crime but the sentiment of guilt has an altogether ulterior meaning. Guilt is a feeling that occurs upon the realisation of any wrongdoing we may-or even in some cases may not- have done; it is often followed by an inevitable regret. We are all guilty of many things and depending on the type of person we have been raised to be it always differs to what degree we wish to admit to having caused offense hence embracing to being at fault. Occasionally, we are so wrapped up in our own lives we inflict pain upon others unintentionally, which leads to a natural feeling of guilt. This is exactly the case with Anorexia Nervosa sufferers. Having been so insular these past months I could only speculate at the hurt I caused my family, blaming myself a lot of the time for any argument which had arisen this past year. I can see that I appeared very selfish and so that guilt has overwhelmed me to the extent of nearly destroying me; I can never be sorry enough.

Asking my closest relations to write their sentiments behind me and my development of Anorexia was not an easy feat. I was touched by their acceptance of the task and in the mature way even my younger sister handled reliving and visiting the obvious resentment towards me. I willed them to be as honest as humanly possible, as only from a true testimony can one really understand what it is like for the family members. I respect them for their honesty. I knew it would be a gruelling read having had a prior inkling of what their true feelings were. In reality, I could never have been truly prepared to read what they had to say. For once I can see what it must have really been like for them after having had the harsh honesties lain so starkly in front of me. Every poignant revelation was a truth I had deep down known to be a fact but had attempted to turn a blind-eye on, as it hurt me too much to accept. My brother would always say ‘the truth hurts’ when we would play fight as younger children. Though I had always been sceptical of its meaning due to the way he had always used it to mock me, these words spoken by a young boy are some of the wisest. I can no longer hide from these accounts. They are genuine…

Weight Lifting

Challenge. We all know what this word means, but to find a definition is- well- a challenge in itself isn’t it? Challenging is a demand made to someone whereby they must show their strength and determination in completing an arduous task. Such traits are required of a person should they want to accomplish the challenge with a flourish, as they are demanding to conquer in both a physical and mental way. In such situations where your abilities are tested to their full extreme, it is easy to give up, as the completion of the task is a chore requiring more energy than you have to offer. This is where the fortitude of willpower is essential. Every life is filled with challenges, whether they are big, small, quick or tedious but the same level of satisfaction is achieved upon each of their completion. For Anorexia Nervosa sufferers everything revolves around a challenge; we pursue every opportunity to push ourselves and face them head on. Anorexia prospers in a miserable environment by misleadingly disguising itself as a friend and comfort blanket, isolating you from any true human support. Like the snake in Genesis it malevolently coerces us to enter tasks we KNOW we cannot complete so it can come to our ‘rescue’ upon the need to punish ourselves for our failures. The mission to overcome and beat Anorexia is no easy feat, but every seemingly miniscule step towards the light is an accomplishment; I must force myself to remember this in a bid to keep me motivated for recovery. In having willingly entered myself in the battle against Anorexia, I have since grabbed the bull by the horns and turned the challenges it has catapulted at me to my OWN advantage by counteracting the malicious thoughts it strives to implant in my mind. I am no longer going to let this disorder win without putting up a fight. I have had a taster (if you’ll pardon the pun) of what it is like to be me again and I am neither willing nor prepared to give it up again so easily. So I have compelled myself to set a string of daily challenges that I MUST and WILL complete in order to keep ploughing forward in recovery.

My parents have been constantly vigilant of everything that I consume throughout the day since realising that I could not be left utterly to my own devices. They do however, let me get on more or less with what I feel comfortable eating. Though it took them a long time- through a natural desire to protect their child- they reluctantly relinquished their power over what I chose to eat (not how much though!).  It has therefore only been upon my own decision that I would decide to accomplish a task involving ‘forbidden’ food. Rather traditionally, my family and I would always gather for dinner together in the evening, sharing our day with one another and bond over the home cooked food my parents always had prepared for us. I disrupted this familiar pattern by letting Anorexia selfishly intrude in meal-times and destroyed any jovial family chatter there might have been around the table. The competitive jibes I would make about my ‘larger’ portion size would tumble out without restraint and the incessant wariness required to keep the comments they made on my eating habits at bay at the risk of offending me, caused a tension-filled environment; it was far from ideal for our family bonding. I even went as far as developing a ridiculous sense of jealousy when my dog did not eat her food. Fortunately my competitiveness increasingly died down over time, as I was eating a different meal to my family at dinner- though it did create a bizarre setting whereby I would never be eating the same thing. My refusal to eat their food might have seemed somewhat offensive to my parents who would painstakingly slave away in the kitchen after a hard day’s work; they never complained however, as they were just glad I was eating. I hate being the odd one out and the fact I was eating so differently to them (having it regularly rendered obvious when my dad would innocently mention ‘what you’re having smells nice tonight, what is it?’) would uncomfortably draw attention to me whilst eating at meal times. I must therefore return to normality by eating home-cooked food again. It would be the biggest shame for me to continue denying myself the foods I had so loved whilst growing up- my parents being particularly gifted cooks. I have therefore in the past couple of weeks decided to eat the same meal as my family at least twice a week. So the series of challenges began.

Special Treatment

Psychotherapy. This takes place in a private place and enables you to talk about yourself, relieving your anxieties and emotions in a bid to learn the basis of these sentiments without judgement. The exploration delves deep into the sub-conscious of your mind to uproot revelations- something we are rarely forthcoming to do without coaxing. People will seldom admit to needing help or finding comfort in someone else at the risk of seeming reliant on this source. Reluctance to expose ourselves to someone we barely know leaves you requiring to build a trusting relationship between you and your therapist before any rummaging can be made. This particular connection with a therapist can take months to construct, whereby until you feel ready, you will not fully disclose all the information by withholding the brunt of your angst and divulging the bare minimum. Therapy can be regarded as a relationship between you and the therapist, as they will become someone you feel you can trust so the sessions are often focused on an engagement with the therapist other than just plain old treatment. With most psychological issues, there is no single cure that will work reliably time and time again, unlike a physical pain which can disappear by popping a pill. A trained therapist must adapt their way of helping each individual via trial and error techniques, as no two patients are alike, finding benefits within the various treatments. What makes therapy so different for each case, is that no one person will be the same or will seek solace from a therapist for the same reason no matter how similar their background situations might be. Due to the slightly different approach each therapist undergoes with treatment, some patients will prefer to shift through different therapists, whilst other find it more useful to stick to the one they feel most at ease with. With each patient that undergoes treatment, a therapist will learn something new, as a successful recovery is achievable mostly by experimental practices. With Anorexia Nervosa, due to the diverse causes by which someone may develop the disorder, it is tricky to produce the correct method of treatment straight away. Rarely will a proposed treatment be effective on the first attempt, therefore reinforcing that there is no ‘quick-fix’ method to recovering from Anorexia.

Aweighting Recovery

Expectations. Whether it is what we want to do with our lives or what others would wish upon us, the need to fulfil our deepest desires leads to an inevitable requirement to succeed. Taking the shortest path is usually the easiest option in the trouble-free seeking way of life our society has adopted. Though it may be the quickest way to reach the top it is very often by far the least painless way. We must unknowingly sacrifice a lot along the way and the making of rash decisions leaves us more often than not in regret, as we have not contemplated the outcomes or impact of taking such a leap. Rushing to reach the top would be accomplishing our dreams as quick as possible but when you take stock and look around, you realise that in taking the easy route you have lost a lot more than you have gained. I try not to be pessimistic but the typical warning of the higher you climb the further you have to fall does hold some logic, however I believe you will only fall by climbing hastily causing you to lose your footing and to stumble to your defeat. In taking it steady and earning your way to the top, only then do you feel worthy of that prime position. The comfort of knowing it is deserved leads to a determination to stay at the top surrounded by those who supported you along the- perhaps longer and more turbulent but more successful- way. When suffering from Anorexia Nervosa, pushing yourself towards the goal of recovery when you are not fully ready, leads to a foreseeable relapse.

The constant opposing thoughts which are like forceful repelling magnets in your mind make the step to attempting recovery very tough. After the first meeting with the consultant who officially diagnosed my Anorexia, he revealed the harsh truth that my rate of weight loss had surmounted to a terrifying 1Kg per week; fatal when at a BMI (body mass index) of 14.8. My primary ‘increase your calories as quick as possible’ approach to recovery was due to not being endorsed in my Kavos holiday with my friends ‘unless there was evidence of her starting to gain weight’. I increased my calorie intake from the dangerously low amount to an acceptable 1800 within a matter of a couple of weeks after the meeting. My dad, who had been away to America for a week when I first augmented my regime, was ecstatic to come back to me eating at a regular pace and an acceptable portion of food (only acceptable compared to what I had been previously consuming).  Some would say that this overnight change was miraculous but it was just an exterior, a ‘healthier’ front I was putting on in order to go on my holiday. In actual fact, had people been able to read my mind, they would have seen the turmoil I was in. Despite fervently declaring that I wanted to get better and knowing that I WANTED to put on weight, I was very aware that I was not ready for the actual process required for weight regain; this being a diet of the recommended 2500 calories a day. This contradicting factor led me to question my motivation to get better. The idea of eating so many calories repulsed me, whereas any rational person would revel in the ability to indulge in ‘forbidden’ foods. I had made a snap decision clouded by my stubborn determination to not be incarcerated at home during the summer; this decision was detrimental due to its hastiness. In the confines of the meeting rooms with my dietician I would agree to reintroduce a particular food to my strict diet, when in my heart of hearts I knew this was a complete lie. Lying was easy when the meetings were one to one and so my parents had no idea about the meal plan set for me by my dietician. This made it subsequently simple for me to pretend to my dietician that I had been following through with the plan at home, hiding the hand-written plans at the back of my food diary never to be frequented. My need for independence made consenting to adhere to a meal plan easier said than done.  

Anorexolympics

Competition. This is a basic instinct within every living organism in the struggle for survival. Like a true masochist, Anorexia Nervosa relishes in out-competing and dominating everything it can get its iron grip around and will become a very sore loser. Should you try desperately and take hold of its ominous presence, it will fight tooth and nail to regain its control over you- never giving up. Although I have previously scorned the notion that Anorexia is borne from the media and was dubious of their allegiance, I cannot completely eradicate the fact that with all the information we have access to nowadays, it feeds the cut-throat nature of the illness by encouraging the spawning of this disorder. Our health concerning food and exercise has become such an obsession within our culture that people will share very openly their own day to day regimes, creating a world of opportunity that I as a sufferer could compete against. Whether it was the portion size and calorie intake or amount of exercise someone partook in, I would feel an urgent need to compare myself to others in order to make sure I was eating less or doing more physically, getting irrationally jealous if I wasn’t able to do ‘better’ than them. This was my way of making sure that I was a winner, when in actual fact I was losing myself in the illness and letting it take me over. My sixth form common room hoarded the girls in and was a hostile place where discussions orientated solely around exercise and dieting; it was a breeding ground for competitive behaviour and eating disorders. There is a lot out in the world that can spike the addiction of Anorexia, which I came to realise when I was in the trance created by the disorder.

The internet is full of resources for Anorexia to satisfy its craving for competition. I personally found it a valuable source where I could gain all sorts of information in order to be able to compare my own diet. With the world of different diets available to the public soaring to an uncountable quantity, it was very easy for me to plug ‘* calorie diet’ into my search engine and be presented with an insane amount of others’ ‘exemplary’ regimes. What I failed to allow myself to notice when I would click on such a link, was the warning that these low-calorie diets should be executed under supervision of a GP and for a period of no longer than 2 weeks at a time. I would block out any caution by convincing myself that I was doing myself no harm, even though I was clearly becoming dangerously ill. I cannot call my particular calorie target a diet in any way shape or form, as I can now see that no one can sufficiently live off what I was consuming. I would use these online ‘diets’ as a guideline and barrier to how much I could allow myself to have and under no circumstances should I have more than what was online. Upon reading a very low calorie diet and acknowledging I was having less, I would feel giddy with happiness for no justifiable reason.

Skeletons In the Closet

Biographies. There is always a chapter in any life story whereby someone must overcome some sort of hurdle- some would call it the climax of the tale. Each and every one of us is rarely immune to that hump in the road but the enormity of it and the way we navigate ourselves through it changes from person to person. I cannot say that one issue is greater or more worthy of sympathy than another, as we can only judge what we feel is an obstacle by situations we have previously experienced, therefore a problem that may seem quite minor to one, could be a huge dilemma to another. I have learnt through the consequences of my illness not to be so judgemental of people and my primary school motto ‘do onto others as you would have done onto you’, has never held such a strong relevance in my eyes. In my attempt to counteract the constant pessimistic feeling of having reached rock bottom, I try and believe that there is bound to be someone worse off than me. I have advised others many a time with this same overly repeated guidance. In spite of this I am extremely hypocritical in the way that I cannot heed my own advice, as the magnitude of the alien feeling achieved from looking on the bright side of life is just too daunting to me. I therefore am looking back to how far I have come compared to when I was first dabbling in the Anorexia and the potency of its comforting nature by finally admitting to all the embarrassing and terrifying situations it has put me through. I have avoided it up until now, but it is time to bare all the pinnacle moments of my chapter.

Before I begin reciting the physical symptoms of my plight with Anorexia Nervosa, I must emphasise that these all occurred either during my relapse or during my exams in the summer of 2011. I have thankfully mostly recovered from these vicious side-effects.

The Slippery Slope

This week I have written a very different post than I have done so far, therefore have decided to post it in a different page that you can access via the link at the side of this page under 'pages' profile or from the link below...

The Slippery Slope

Would I Lie To You?

Denial. Deception, lies, secrets and excuses are what the parasitic disorder Anorexia Nervosa feeds on whilst depriving its sufferers of the true and beneficial sustenance- solid food. The illness is extremely cunning in the way it will fool its victims and force them to be deceitful to even the most trustworthy of people. In many cases the Anorexia will leach its way subtly through the mind, benefitting from the control it gets by creating false pleasures from restriction and over exercising, much to the detriment of its helpless host. It will therefore often be too late to stop the disorder, as it has already taken over the logical mind releasing toxic thoughts and feelings, which invade like a virus in opposition to the person you used to be. Describing anorexia metaphorically is the only way to convey the harm it causes, due to the complexity of the human mind. If you try to explain any emotion such as anger in words, it is near impossible to reveal what it feels like without saying ‘it’s when you feel angry’. We have ALL at some point experienced this sensation and therefore it is easy to sympathise with the person unlike the thoughts fabricated by anorexia. This is why there is so little known about the disorder, as any verbal description can only lie close to how it is like to experience it. There will unfortunately never be a truly effective way of showing a person blessed with the opportunity to never go through anorexia exactly what it’s like.

Surely I must have known that I was succumbing to anorexia… -a contemplation often pondered aloud to me. I question myself a lot at times whether or not I could see it coming and therefore could have prevented it from becoming an obsession. Although I try to think of ideas to blame the illness on, there is only one thing at fault- myself. I feel I can’t hide behind any other theory. Travelling as far back as the summer of 2007 when I was 14, I remember noticing my body was changing and there was a subsequent appearance of stretch marks over my thighs. Like many teenage girls, I obsessed over their apparition, wondering whether I put on weight in those areas and led myself to believe I had to tone up and so I got the notorious step-machine. We all have a part of ourselves that creates that niggling feeling of a need for change and this asset is all we seem to see when looking in the mirror. Fortunately being relatively young and carefree, I decided to move on and accept I was going through puberty and so the step-machine lay in my room gathering dust. However, then came the summer of 2010 when I had become highly confident in myself, taking pride in my appearance and becoming conscious of how much I weighed. As previously mentioned I had unconsciously lost a little weight that year and felt happy with my figure for once and so over the holidays when I had broken up for dance, I started using my step-machine to keep fit. My sister and I would take turns on it, encouraging each other to stay on for half an hour sessions. At the time it was all healthy. To me it was simply a way of MAINTAINING the weight I was at. My sister soon got bored of the monotonous form of exercise, but I became curious as to how it could tone the muscles up on my ‘problem area’ should I continue to use it regularly. So I did.

Me, Myself and the Predator

Self. When used as a prefix, this word can form words that many misconceptions of Anorexia Nervosa describe- self-inflicted, selfish, and self-centred but to name a few. It is very easy to see why people would describe any eating disorder as a cry for attention, due to the consequences and reasons for developing such a malicious illness. Attention seeking is the last thing on our minds, as anorexia truly thrives on secretiveness and lying through our teeth to ensure no one interferes with our control over exercise and food intake. Anyone claiming they have an eating disorder purely to gain attention is lucky, I seriously would not wish this on anyone, as anorexia CANNOT be turned on and off at will. In my opinion the idea that the disorder is self-inflicted however, is one shared amongst its sufferers. Due to the nature of the illness and the fact it is a mental disease brought upon us for various reasons, it seems to me that we could have helped prevent ourselves from succumbing to it unlike a person unfortunate enough to develop a physical and unpreventable illness much like the big killer cancer. This inevitably leads to a huge guilt constantly hanging over my head, as I believe I am at fault for every pain and misery caused within the family and around me. I don’t want to seem like a martyr and therefore hypocritical in saying the illness has not made me egotistical, but it feels to me like I am a huge nuisance to everyone and I can see the frustration people hoard when they are around me.

Anorexia has a tendency to make you a different person by heightening the negative attributes you may have. In my case the fact that I have always striven to be independent in life and reject any idea I feel has been pressurised or forced upon me, has led me to become an increasingly stubborn person. This therefore has wreaked havoc on the people trying to help me recover, as any advice offered is immediately shot down by me, due to a feeling that this idea has not been made by me. Recovery unfortunately, can only come from its sufferer and only when the sufferer wants to and therefore it is very difficult for anyone to interfere with the disease and offer help. This I have found in particular with both my dietician and dad, as even the mere suggestion of eating something with more calories will make me build up my defences and I will refuse this idea without even considering it as a good piece of advice. Many times I have contemplated increasing an aspect of my intake, however as soon as a person other than me voices the exact idea aloud, I won’t want to do it anymore and I have to build up the idea and courage within myself all over again. 

Euphoric and Addictive Feelings

Sufferer. Notice the term I’ve used to describe those of us unfortunate enough to develop the vicious mental illness known as Anorexia Nervosa. The Oxford Dictionary mildly describes it as a verb where you ‘experience something bad’, but no definition can truly convey how powerful the meaning of the word really is. The word can pretty much describe every emotional aspect that comes with anorexia and has never rung truer in my opinion after the week I have just experienced. After receiving such positive feedback from my blog, I had lulled myself into a false sense of security and to me, revealing my notions on feeling weak upon showing vulnerability from emotion seemed a logical enough step. I felt stronger from the support everyone was showing. There is an incredible irony therefore, in the events of the past week where I was attacked verbally by a woman whilst at work and was directly called an ‘anorexic’ as if I was a vile creature instead of a human being. No matter how tough I like to appear on the exterior and nonchalant about my condition, I was unprepared for such a horrible attack and it hurt. It has made me come to believe that I am weak, I should have been stronger and not let the woman make me cry; but most of all I should not have been weak enough to let anorexia take over my mind.

There are many physical and psychological symptoms that allow anorexia to have the verb ‘to suffer’ describe its victims. This illness traps you in your mind and leads your logical self to view survival in a different light. Eating is a basic human instinct and essential in order to live, however despite having studied Biology A-level and therefore having an advanced knowledge of the body’s requirements and uses for energy, as a sufferer my illness has imprisoned this, leading me to see food as an enemy rather than a ‘medicine’ for my recovery. Obviously, no matter how well written a first-hand account of anorexia may be, the whole experience is just so hard to describe in words to a healthy person. I have been asked many times why I can’t just focus my energy and determination into recovery as opposed to using it in the negative, controlling and restrictive way I have. I can answer this honestly: when you find something you are good at (for me restriction) it is ever so hard to give it up, a feeling I’m sure is shared by many. To me, my relapse this summer after my first attempt at recovering, became another factor on my mental list of failures. Making a trade from an aspect I KNOW I am good at and am sure will work to recovery, which has let me down before, is near impossible. I am very hard on myself and due to the many failures in my eyes, I tend to search for a quick burst of satisfaction, very much like the ones I achieve by controlling my food intake. I have however used my determination to begin the steps to recovery, unfortunately I’m aware that my heart and soul aren’t completely ready to accommodate the food intake for weight restoration, no matter how much I would like to appear normal again.