Reality Served On a Platter

Comparison. An act conducted by the putting together of two things in order to distinguish their similarities and differences. Every one of us compares ourselves to another, be it in admiration or to raise ones self-esteem. It is a way by which we determine what is acceptable in society or what we can be led to believe is ‘perfection’. Comparing yourself negatively can only lead to dissatisfaction and so why should be feel obliged to covet the life or looks of someone we idolise? In a sense it does give you a goal to reach and a motivation, but if it is simply unrealistic and unattainable then misery ensues. People blame eating disorders on the media who seemingly promote the need to be ‘model thin’- a judgement with some merit due to the influential and persuasive nature of the industry. However, it is not necessarily the comparison of one’s self to the likes of a model which is a sole cause, as you can find competition anywhere if you are particularly seeking it. The whole ‘my horse is bigger than your horse’ scenario spurs the Anorexia into overdrive as it aims to dominate. The requirement to be the lightest or to have the smallest meal is amplified by the illusion of sizing your body up or the meal in front of you during comparisons. It is a constant fight to regain the trust in yourself to be able to judge a portion correctly or accept what you see in the mirror.

It was a somewhat welcome surprise to realise that a whole year had passed since I had begun to record a food diary. Though it has been a month or so since I have not felt the need to keep track of my intake, for the purpose of my blog this week I have decided to portray the differences between my portion sizes a year to the day. In providing you with a direct comparison, you can see just how far I have come in my recovery process. It is also a way of proving to myself that the hard work is paying off. The weight regain is only validation of this. 

Day	Meal	2011	2012
11/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Cereal, Benecol, Juice
	Lunch	½ Light Choice Meal, Muller Light yogurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Cup-a-Soup, Ryvita	Pasta with Puttanesca Sauce, Scrambled Egg with Tomato, Shape Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Chocolate Mousse	Morning: Dried Fruit and Nut, Evening: Reese’s Chocolate
12/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Veal, Peas, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Lemon yogurt, Fruit
	Dinner	Soup, Ryvita, Muller Light Yogurt	Prawn Stirfry, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	1 Mini Toblerone Triangle	Morning: Dried Fruit and Nuts, Evening:Tobelerone triangle, Macaroon
13/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Soup, Muller Light yogurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Egg, 6 Asparagus	M&S Beef Cannelloni, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Chocolate Mousse	Morning: Dried Fruit and Nuts Afternoon: roughly 1/3 Medium Salty Popcorn
14/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Chicken, Ebly, Tomato, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Yogurt, Fruit
	Dinner	Soup, Ryvita, Fruit	Steak, Steamed Potatoes, Salad with Vinaigrette, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	1 Chocolate Covered Orange Rind	Morning: Dried Fruit & Nuts Evening:Macaroon, Toblerone Triangle
15/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Soup, Muller Light yoghurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Salmon, Ryvita with Extra Light Philadelphia Spread, 4 Grapes	Fish Pie, Melon, Chocolate yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Lemon Mousse	Morning: Dried Fruits and Nuts Evening:Chocolate Macaroon, Toblerone Triangle
16/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Soup, Ryvita, Muller Light yogurt, Fruit	1/2 Carton Soup, Smarties yogurt, Fruit
	Dinner	Chicken, Mash	2 Slices Ham, Butterbeans in Tomato Sauce, Caramel yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Alpen Light Bar	Morning:Dried Fruit and Nuts Evening:2 Toblerone Triangles
17/06	Breakfast	Cereal, Juice	Chocolate Porridge with Water, Juice
	Lunch	Veg Pot, Fruit	Guinea-Fowl with Cider Gravy, Tagliatelle, Muller Corner, Fruit
	Dinner	Soup, Fruit	Smoked Salmon, Asparagus with Light Choices French Dressing, Caramel Yogurt, Fruit
	Snack	Weight Watchers Lemon Mousse, 1 Thorntons Truffle	Afternoon:Dried Fruit and Nuts Evening: Chocolate and Caramel Millionaire's Tart

I have refrained from including the quantity of calories or the amount of each food-type that was consumed even though I had meticulously recorded both of these to the last digit during my restriction phase. My reasons being that NO ONE should emulate this pitiful diet for which I was blinded into seeing as ‘3 balanced meals’. The consequences of me having followed this particular stage in my nutrition plan for around 3 weeks were catastrophic which is when I started visiting my dietician. My weight plummeted dangerously low in a scarily small amount of time; I was weak, cold and exhausted. My metabolism had slowed down to a sluggish pace with my whole digestive tract working sporadically. But a terrifying result was a partial loss of hearing at random and frequent times. My body was shutting down even my most essential of senses in order to preserve the little energy entering my body. You could hardly dare to imagine that this was what I was nourishing myself with in the middle of my exams nor believe that I could achieve the results I accomplished as a consequence- my mum at the time did not understand the disorder and would try and scare me into eating by telling me I would fail. It is true I wasn’t receiving the necessary strength from my food to flourish.

 What you must also be made aware of, is that the 2011 plan I have shared with you was devised from an agreement with my parents to slowly increase my calorie intake. I was in fact eating far less than this before the decision was made. I distinctly remember- as I am unlikely to ever forget- sitting in the kitchen in the evening bargaining with my dad on the food I would eat the next day; I would cry and protest if he forced upon me a quantity of food larger than what my Anorexia was prepared to allow me to have. Following the tediously long period it would take for me to finish a meal, I would then have to further endure what would often take up to half an hour each evening sifting through the many ‘no’s’ from me until my diet was formulated. I was not to sway from our pre-arranged agreement; it was like a binding contract. If I missed out on reaching my target one day, my dad would press upon me the need to make up for it the next day on top of the target I had been set; when you eat so little, every calorie skipped counts. Initially eager at the prospect of creating an exciting new diet plan with a professional dietician, I had led myself to believe that she would commend my eating habits and was convinced she would create a ‘healthier’ version of my low calorie diet. As this was clearly and quite rightly not the case, my Anorexia felt deceived and initially fought back harder and so I scoffed at any suggestion made to improve my intake. 

 Calories and fat content were not my only downfall; the perception of quantity played a huge role in my inability to consume even the minimum required number of calories. The Anorexia deliberately eliminated the meagre calorie density of the food in my own plate from that of others around me. A meal where I would have had more in my plate regardless of how many less calories there were caused me immeasurable distress. It is bizarre to think that the sheer sight of half a pepper in my plate caused me to cry in disbelief as much as if a block of cheese had been placed in front of me to eat. I would refuse any accompanying sauces, any shred of fat or anything that had touched oil in the cooking process. Therefore food was tasteless and bland- a poison as opposed to the medicine for my condition that it really was. 

Revisiting what I would eat a year ago has been not only insightful but a huge shock to me. I have easily conjured up the memory of the horrible guilty feelings that would surge through my body as I ate and the pain caused through each mouthful but I find it impossible to explain how I can still be jealous of the person that ate so little. I KNOW I never want to fall back into Anorexic tendencies and become a shell of who I am again, but I have not yet been able to shut out the increasingly rare stream of venomous thoughts from my Anorexia- though I no longer act upon the impulse. I asked myself when I would consider myself to be recovered. Truth be told, though I know I will most likely glance at the calorie content for the rest of my life (it is impossible with the traffic light colours blaring out at you at the front of food packets) I want to reach the stage where I can trust myself to judge a correct portion. I know I could so easily revert back to serving myself that spoonful less by deeming it ‘unnecessary’ even though I want it. I also don’t quite know what a regular portion is anymore so all portions are served by or compared to that of my parents. If I am to serve myself I seek reassurance from those around me and it is gratifying when my portion is accepted; it means I am returning to normality. Little by little I am regaining a sense of what it is like to enjoy food and that comparing what I have in a competitive manner is pointless. I should eat what I enjoy and not what I think has the least calories. In time I am adamant to be able to do so.