Vulnerability. For many of us the
idea of revealing our weaknesses makes us shiver with the thought of them
potentially being used against us. We therefore put on a façade of a tough
exterior; we appear almost emotionless. When I was first writing my blog, I was
scared of revealing my Achilles’ heel; my downfall with Anorexia, yet I felt it
a necessity as I was carrying my illness as a banner through my emaciated
frame. For many Eating Disorder sufferers, we have so long thrived in the
secrecy of what we are doing to ourselves, that the idea of exposing it to the
outside world is terrifying. This poses a problem when we are seeking help in
recovery. If we are too afraid to speak out loud of our weakness with our
disorder, then how can we ask for the necessary help? It is a fear that you
cannot push someone to overcome, as not everyone feels they have the ability to
be strong to bare all for others to judge. The ability to divulge your
limitations comes with courage and an infallible trust in people.
Since Easter, my life has been a
rollercoaster full of numerous hurdles I was determined to overcome as well as
the inevitable highs. My last term of my first year at university kicked off with
significantly low motivation regarding my studies after finding out I was not
chosen to go forward with the conversion to Dentistry. I therefore sought to
focus more on the social aspect of university; a feature I had neglected during
my midterm exams around January, due to my determination to succeed. With this
came the building of closer friendships and eventually, complete trust in
people. I believe my stubbornness in appearing head-strong at all times comes
from my dad who rarely reveals his weaknesses in a bid to remain strong for his
family. With this therefore, I find it hard to directly tell people how I am
feeling. With spoken words comes a display of emotion, hence my preference to
write down my thoughts and feelings. Instead people will read my words without
me revealing the effort it took for me to put them on a page. Finding someone I
trust so resolutely to be able to talk so openly to has always been tough for
me. Therefore, recently, when I have found that my defences and barriers had been lowered unnoticed, I was surprised to find that I was able to trust again. Showing emotion and sharing my feelings has felt so
alien, yet comforting as I know I will not be rebuked for it. I am grateful to
know I have someone there.
Last week I got the great
opportunity to return yet again to my old school to talk to 13-14 year old
girls about eating disorders and specifically Anorexia. I wanted to share with
them my experiences whilst suffering, whilst also educating them on what an
eating disorder actually was. The courage it took to stand in front of a group people
and reveal to them so openly how weak I had once been was near impossible to conjure
up; it was terrifying. Yet knowing that I may have got through to even that
single person made the whole experience more than worth it. I write my blogs to
help others and so being able to see a direct effect of what I have to say on
the girls’ faces was extremely rewarding. I was thanked. I was called an
inspiration. Though I can deal with their gratitude for what I did, I still
find it very hard to be considered an inspiration. I used to feel that if I had
not been so weak in the first place to succumb to Anorexia then I wouldn’t be
in the position in the first place, therefore why should I be honoured for a
weakness? Slowly, I am beginning to understand that people are in fact
celebrating my ability to overcoming such a tough phase in my life; my strength
in recovering whilst empowering others to follow suit in the process.
Not so long ago, my sister and I were
lucky enough to go on a week long holiday to Barcelona together. After a year
apart, whilst I have been at university, it was nice to be able to spend time
together again, despite the inevitable sibling bickering that occurs. During
our stay, it reminded me just how much leaving the monotony of life at home
behind changes my mind set and empowers me to try new things. We were eating
extremely well whilst in Spain; it is hard not to! On one or two occasions, I was
faced with a lot of bread and though in the back of my mind I did get a slight
urge to not eat it, it was quickly forgotten as my want to eat the delicious
foods overcame the voice. My sister was more or less eating exactly the same
and it was definitely not harming her, so why shouldn’t I make the most of the
food this beautiful country had to offer me. My pride in myself continues when I
was able to eat quite a lot of cheese for enjoyment and felt little guilt once I
had eaten it. Although I do not feel ready to introduce bread or cheese into my
staple diet back home yet, I am still content that I did not miss out because
of my Anorexia. That is a huge leap for me.
Yet again this term I was faced
with dreadful exams. Knowing I had done so well last time not only in results
but also in dealing with the stress without resulting to restricting food as a ‘coping
mechanism’, made me feel bolder that I could do it again. I have still been
more or less counting the number of calories I consume per day since I started
doing so again in January, however I still do not let this influence how much I
eat per day. It is still an element of control in the Anorexia no matter how
much I try to argue to myself that it is out of curiosity. Another element that
has slowly been cropping up throughout the year now that I am at a healthy weight
is exercise. When I have mentioned my want to begin exercising again, I have
had different reactions. Those who realise that it is not a want borne from a
desire to lose weight but a want to tone up to the way I used to be when I was
a dancer and regain some form of stamina and fitness, have encouraged me. Yet
there has been scepticism from others until I explain my reasoning to them. I know
I am not fat and at a good weight. I will admit that recently I have feared for
the amount I eat compared to the amount of energy I dispense. Now that the
summer holidays have arrived for me, I am no longer required to leave the house
as much as well as having a car at my disposal when I do so. It has therefore
been playing on my mind quite a lot and am as of yet still unsure what to make
of this situation.
Though I have been faced with
admitting to my weaknesses recently, as well as having my surface broken down
to reveal the emotional side of me inside, I do not feel in any way vulnerable.
I have exposed everything I have got and people can make of it anything they
wish to, but it is in being entirely honest that people have come to respect
who I am. I have been through so much in the past that, though I am not
indifferent to what people think of me, I feel I have strength to overcome
being influenced to change my ways to conform to what they would probably like
better. This strength is only consolidated with knowing I have trust in people
and that they will carry me through the times when I do doubt myself. I have
strength only through revealing my weaknesses.
