Weeks of Weak

Vulnerability. For many of us the idea of revealing our weaknesses makes us shiver with the thought of them potentially being used against us. We therefore put on a façade of a tough exterior; we appear almost emotionless. When I was first writing my blog, I was scared of revealing my Achilles’ heel; my downfall with Anorexia, yet I felt it a necessity as I was carrying my illness as a banner through my emaciated frame. For many Eating Disorder sufferers, we have so long thrived in the secrecy of what we are doing to ourselves, that the idea of exposing it to the outside world is terrifying. This poses a problem when we are seeking help in recovery. If we are too afraid to speak out loud of our weakness with our disorder, then how can we ask for the necessary help? It is a fear that you cannot push someone to overcome, as not everyone feels they have the ability to be strong to bare all for others to judge. The ability to divulge your limitations comes with courage and an infallible trust in people.  

Since Easter, my life has been a rollercoaster full of numerous hurdles I was determined to overcome as well as the inevitable highs. My last term of my first year at university kicked off with significantly low motivation regarding my studies after finding out I was not chosen to go forward with the conversion to Dentistry. I therefore sought to focus more on the social aspect of university; a feature I had neglected during my midterm exams around January, due to my determination to succeed. With this came the building of closer friendships and eventually, complete trust in people. I believe my stubbornness in appearing head-strong at all times comes from my dad who rarely reveals his weaknesses in a bid to remain strong for his family. With this therefore, I find it hard to directly tell people how I am feeling. With spoken words comes a display of emotion, hence my preference to write down my thoughts and feelings. Instead people will read my words without me revealing the effort it took for me to put them on a page. Finding someone I trust so resolutely to be able to talk so openly to has always been tough for me. Therefore, recently, when I have found that my defences and barriers had been lowered unnoticed, I was surprised to find that I was able to trust again. Showing emotion and sharing my feelings has felt so alien, yet comforting as I know I will not be rebuked for it. I am grateful to know I have someone there.

Last week I got the great opportunity to return yet again to my old school to talk to 13-14 year old girls about eating disorders and specifically Anorexia. I wanted to share with them my experiences whilst suffering, whilst also educating them on what an eating disorder actually was. The courage it took to stand in front of a group people and reveal to them so openly how weak I had once been was near impossible to conjure up; it was terrifying. Yet knowing that I may have got through to even that single person made the whole experience more than worth it. I write my blogs to help others and so being able to see a direct effect of what I have to say on the girls’ faces was extremely rewarding. I was thanked. I was called an inspiration. Though I can deal with their gratitude for what I did, I still find it very hard to be considered an inspiration. I used to feel that if I had not been so weak in the first place to succumb to Anorexia then I wouldn’t be in the position in the first place, therefore why should I be honoured for a weakness? Slowly, I am beginning to understand that people are in fact celebrating my ability to overcoming such a tough phase in my life; my strength in recovering whilst empowering others to follow suit in the process.

Not so long ago, my sister and I were lucky enough to go on a week long holiday to Barcelona together. After a year apart, whilst I have been at university, it was nice to be able to spend time together again, despite the inevitable sibling bickering that occurs. During our stay, it reminded me just how much leaving the monotony of life at home behind changes my mind set and empowers me to try new things. We were eating extremely well whilst in Spain; it is hard not to! On one or two occasions, I was faced with a lot of bread and though in the back of my mind I did get a slight urge to not eat it, it was quickly forgotten as my want to eat the delicious foods overcame the voice. My sister was more or less eating exactly the same and it was definitely not harming her, so why shouldn’t I make the most of the food this beautiful country had to offer me. My pride in myself continues when I was able to eat quite a lot of cheese for enjoyment and felt little guilt once I had eaten it. Although I do not feel ready to introduce bread or cheese into my staple diet back home yet, I am still content that I did not miss out because of my Anorexia. That is a huge leap for me.

Yet again this term I was faced with dreadful exams. Knowing I had done so well last time not only in results but also in dealing with the stress without resulting to restricting food as a ‘coping mechanism’, made me feel bolder that I could do it again. I have still been more or less counting the number of calories I consume per day since I started doing so again in January, however I still do not let this influence how much I eat per day. It is still an element of control in the Anorexia no matter how much I try to argue to myself that it is out of curiosity. Another element that has slowly been cropping up throughout the year now that I am at a healthy weight is exercise. When I have mentioned my want to begin exercising again, I have had different reactions. Those who realise that it is not a want borne from a desire to lose weight but a want to tone up to the way I used to be when I was a dancer and regain some form of stamina and fitness, have encouraged me. Yet there has been scepticism from others until I explain my reasoning to them. I know I am not fat and at a good weight. I will admit that recently I have feared for the amount I eat compared to the amount of energy I dispense. Now that the summer holidays have arrived for me, I am no longer required to leave the house as much as well as having a car at my disposal when I do so. It has therefore been playing on my mind quite a lot and am as of yet still unsure what to make of this situation.

Though I have been faced with admitting to my weaknesses recently, as well as having my surface broken down to reveal the emotional side of me inside, I do not feel in any way vulnerable. I have exposed everything I have got and people can make of it anything they wish to, but it is in being entirely honest that people have come to respect who I am. I have been through so much in the past that, though I am not indifferent to what people think of me, I feel I have strength to overcome being influenced to change my ways to conform to what they would probably like better. This strength is only consolidated with knowing I have trust in people and that they will carry me through the times when I do doubt myself. I have strength only through revealing my weaknesses.