Stuck in the Mud

Stationary. The word signifies non-movement, whether it is your body, your life or simply a moment in time. There are different reasons to fear an instant in your lifetime where you feel stagnant and unable to move forward with ambition or with a task at hand that you know must be completed. However, there are also many reasons to relish such a time, when things seem so perfect you dare not move on at the risk of losing all that is good in that snapshot in time. In both cases there really is naught to be afraid of yet, how can we move forward if no path has been made available to us? How can we afford to leave behind all that is good when only darkness lies ahead? Both aspects are rife on the road to recovery from Anorexia, we become so comfortable in our rituals that it is hard to let go of a pattern we have so long followed and has actually worked for us. Yet also at times, when we are ready to move forwards, we find we are stuck in a rut that is virtually impossible to get out of. The key is patience and a belief that ahead is where the happiness lies.

After completing my first year of university I decided to give myself the whole of the summer off- 3 months of complete freedom. I had accepted that the months that lay ahead would be difficult to start with; I was happy at university surrounded by people I had come to trust and get along well with and so the knowledge that I would be leaving this incredible environment behind was tough. I was afraid that over this long period away things would change, but I have faith in my new friends and know that time apart means nothing. Though the idea of coming from different counties all over England had seemed so exciting, it became daunting in the face of this looming break. I was hopeful however in what home had to offer. But, I almost immediately regretted my choice to do nothing all summer, my friends at home had all taken the bold move to work over the summer, had holidays booked or were simply busy, whilst I sat idle at home. The timing could not have been worse, as I had just taken the decision to stop taking my anti-depressants and was in the process of changing contraceptive pill; my emotions were all over the place.

For 2 months I was perpetually alone with few moments of solace whereby I actually had something to do and it really took its toll. I started to feel like I was slipping into my depression again and became snappy and rude with my whole family. I was also counting calories with a renewed enthusiasm whilst trying to find tiny way in which to cut back my intake. In my mind I was doing no exercise to speak of so I did not require such large amounts of food for sustenance; this went hand in hand with a lack of appetite as a result of my boredom. I kept strong though and I did not allow it to take full control, whilst both my parents noticed the dip in my mood and ability to eat. My mum, who has been ill recently, dealt with it badly due to her own stress so I do not blame her for shouting at me one night that I had become Anorexic again. But to hear such a thing was heart wrenching, as I have worked so hard in my recovery and I will NOT go back there. My dad sat me down and asked me what was going on and I subsequently had a breakdown in which I admitted to him how miserable I had been at home and how I felt I needed to exercise. Unfortunately I feel my body has become useless, I tried the cross-trainer and lasted a mere 10 minutes which disheartened me; my stamina has left me and so has any health I may once have had. I am at a loss at having to start from scratch with something that requires so much motivation when my body seems to be working against me and so it is taking time for me to build the courage to find an exercise type I feel I can be accomplished at.     

My family holiday to Egypt therefore, could not have come at a better time. Though people may have thought that my mood prior to departure would have caused me to feel intimidated when facing the seemingly unlimited  choices of food in the buffets for breakfast, lunch AND dinner, I was enthusiastic as I know I am always able to escape into a world of comfort when I am away from home. Indeed, once on holiday I shed all the troubles I had and was fully able to make the most of the sun, sand, sea and of course the food. It is bizarre how much my emotions, which had been diving down at an alarming rate, could so suddenly pick up yet I am nothing but grateful for the time I spent there. I am proud to admit I had my favourite of pancakes for breakfast everyday over the 2 weeks and was unafraid to try all the foods and especially desserts the hotel had to offer. I never felt once that I had limited myself due to my fear of eating too much and putting on excessive weight, yet this may have been linked to the fact I took part in the daily activity of aqua-aerobics. Being home since (though for a short time) has been hard, but I am nowhere near in the same shape as I was before the holiday. So I thank my mum and dad for making it possible for me to escape.

Though I still have a month left of my summer ‘holiday’ before term starts again, I am more optimistic for what the next few weeks have to bring. I have a week in France visiting the family ahead of me, and this time round I am adamant to not be afraid of my grandma’s vast meals. I plan to make the most of the time I have really trying to perk up before embarking on another year at university. If there is one thing I regret since I have come home from Egypt however, is my inability to support my best friend on her fundraiser. She had planned a curry night to which I of course was invited. Though I initially accepted I did not think through the implications, yes I have eaten curry since my recovery, but I have not attempted this at a restaurant. I consistently have an image in my mind of a documentary that was filmed in an Indian restaurant and after seeing the excessive amounts of oils used in the restaurant cuisine, I have been put off. I would have attempted it for her sake had it not been the fact that I had just returned from eating so much on holiday; I needed a break. I have been stuck in a stationary rut all summer and I feel it is time to move on. I hope to remain on my road uphill and fight for my completed recovery with renewed passion. I am still taking time but there will come the day when I can admit to being fully free of my demons.