Deal. A multifaceted word, which is often used simply as another term
for coping. Dealing with an eating disorder can be an extremely challenging
time for both the sufferer and those around them, as people become a shadow of
themselves, obsessed only with the controlling of food. Sometimes in dealing
with the stress of suffering, depression will commonly rear its ugly head
making the notion of recovery one that is far beyond reach. But coping with the
ups and downs and the world around you is something in life we will always have
to face. As 2013 has come to an end, there have inevitably been some highs and
lows that I was forced to deal with in a multitude of ways.
Dealing with stress has always been one of my biggest problems. Over
the summer marked a huge turning point in my recovery when I was finally able
to come off anti-depressants. However, this also initiated the return of me
having to deal with emotions- be they euphoric or anguish- all by myself. Unfortunately I did not bode well. I felt the
repercussions at times when I was bored or felt alone, but I was hopeful that
it would soon rectify itself with the start of my second year at university
where I would be kept busy with work and a social life. Unfortunately this was
not to be the case, as my high expectations of the university life-style resulting
from the one I had lived previously were to change dramatically. The amount of
work, the distance from groups of friends you would usually have seen daily in
University accommodation and the significant reduction in the time for a social
life were all to come together to shape a term where I have felt alone.
I would specifically like to dedicate this blog to depression. With
the exam season fast approaching, it has induced a state of depression within
me. Of course I am well aware that a multitude of factors I have either not yet
understood or have not allowed myself to acknowledge have also contributed to
this. I feel yet again stuck at a point in my life whereby nothing is moving
forwards. With the 2nd round of rejections for Dentistry earlier
last year, I now feel like I am doing a degree that is wasting another 2 years
of my life. I have a yearning to achieve but I feel my continuation is being
held back from where I feel I really aught to be heading, yet I know that it is
only my mind telling me so. The stress
of dealing with any sort of rejection is a bitter pill to swallow. Whether it
concerns education, friendships or even relationships, you can’t help but
question just what it is that you did wrong and generally end up feeling like a
failure.
I have pushed myself for so long to be the beacon of hope in
recovery that I felt everyone was expecting me to be. No one has ever forced me
to be happy and content all the time but as a society we all tend to bury our
heads in the sand when it comes to other people’s problems. We all think that
no one wants to hear that we have been struggling with any sort of depression in
the fear that people will judge you for it being far too minor a woe or simply
that we will bring them down. I want to fight against that. No I am not happy
at the moment. I am finding it hard to socialise. I am finding it hard to eat.
There, I have said it; I have been slowly regressing back into my Anorexia.
Having lasted only 6 months without them, the 1st of
January 2014 marked the beginning of me starting on a course of antidepressants
again. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I have been an awful person to
live with for the past few months, becoming snappy, unsociable and anxious in
any social situation. Anything that breaks from my ‘routine’ of meal times is a
huge stress for me and I yet again I feel I must revolve a lot of my plans
around meal times. The person I am when I am around my family is one I had
hoped would never return. I am jealous, spiteful and rude and I feel guilty
that some members of my family feel they should accept it just because I am
depressed; they shouldn’t have to, yet I just can’t help myself. I want to be
the kind and easygoing person I was only a year back, the person that was
confident in her abilities to make friends and feel accepted in a group. I just
don’t feel like I fit in anywhere at the moment due to having alienated myself,
I just hope it is not too late to fight for a reintegration.
I honestly- and naively- thought that my days with coping with
Anorexia were behind me. But it is like an addiction; you need to work to
maintain recovery and work to fight against the disorder’s vicious voices.
However, it makes me therefore think, will I ever be free of these demons? For
reasons unbeknown to me, I strive to eat less than everyone around me rather
than the same amount, therefore constantly and annoyingly comparing my plate to
others. It makes me feel strong and empowered knowing that I am not eating as
much as everyone else. Why am I being so stupid? How can I even begin to think
that what I am doing is an acceptable way to nourish myself? I KNOW it isn’t
but I am at a stage whereby the comfort it brings me outweighs any logic; it is
a constant mind game. It has been especially hard over the Christmas period for me, due to food being such a huge part of the celebrations. Yet, it has also been somewhat easier to hide the fact I am not eating as much because the French -being foodies- usually end up dragging out festive meals over hours, so I ended up having only a single meal for both lunch and dinner yet not compensating by eating more. My grandma would lay out a copious amount of nibbles every evening prior to the meal, which led to dinner being a lot lighter than it usually would. I would abstain from eating these meaning I would be eating far less than I should have been especially considering that I still do not eat bread with my meal, which the french generally substitute as the carbohydrates in their meals. Of course I am certain my parents noticed this, but did not have the energy to fight with me in front of family and friends. However, the hardest feeling to deal with is guilt.
Guilt for the way I treat my parents, my friends…my sister. Guilt for eating
too much, but especially guilt for letting everyone down when they believed I
was so strong.
I am sorry to everyone who looks to me for inspiration for being
weak and regressing. I will however say, I will NEVER let myself get to the
stage whereby the Anorexia takes over. I am far too strong for that and I am
beginning to fight back against the voices of the Anorexia and hope to come
back twice as strong. I will beat it once and for all; I just need accept that
it will take time and that I am never going to be ok 100% of the time. As time
goes on, I slowly and surely will not need it to be a means of coping with my
stress and find ways to channel anxiety more productively. I am going to get
better, and I believe it, as I believe in myself. I have so much to look
forward to in this coming year, but in order for my plans to be successful, I
need to be healthy. I have never been one to set a goal at the beginning of
each year, but this time around I feel it is appropriate to do so; My new years
resolution is to fight against my Anorexia, fight against my depression and to
be the person I know I can be.
