Expectations. Whether it is what
we want to do with our lives or what others would wish upon us, the need to
fulfil our deepest desires leads to an inevitable requirement to succeed. Taking
the shortest path is usually the easiest option in the trouble-free seeking way
of life our society has adopted. Though it may be the quickest way to reach the
top it is very often by far the least painless way. We must unknowingly sacrifice
a lot along the way and the making of rash decisions leaves us more often than
not in regret, as we have not contemplated the outcomes or impact of taking
such a leap. Rushing to reach the top would be accomplishing our dreams as
quick as possible but when you take stock and look around, you realise that in
taking the easy route you have lost a lot more than you have gained. I try not
to be pessimistic but the typical warning of the higher you climb the further
you have to fall does hold some logic, however I believe you will only fall by
climbing hastily causing you to lose your footing and to stumble to your defeat.
In taking it steady and earning your way to the top, only then do you feel
worthy of that prime position. The comfort of knowing it is deserved leads to a
determination to stay at the top surrounded by those who supported you along
the- perhaps longer and more turbulent but more successful- way. When suffering
from Anorexia Nervosa, pushing yourself towards the goal of recovery when you
are not fully ready, leads to a foreseeable relapse.
The constant opposing thoughts
which are like forceful repelling magnets in your mind make the step to
attempting recovery very tough. After the first meeting with the consultant who
officially diagnosed my Anorexia, he revealed the harsh truth that my rate of
weight loss had surmounted to a terrifying 1Kg per week; fatal when at a BMI (body mass index) of
14.8. My primary ‘increase your calories as quick as possible’ approach to
recovery was due to not being endorsed in my Kavos holiday with my friends
‘unless there was evidence of her starting to gain weight’. I increased my
calorie intake from the dangerously low amount to an acceptable 1800 within a
matter of a couple of weeks after the meeting. My dad, who had been away to
America for a week when I first augmented my regime, was ecstatic to come back
to me eating at a regular pace and an acceptable portion of food (only acceptable
compared to what I had been previously consuming). Some would say that this overnight change was
miraculous but it was just an exterior, a ‘healthier’ front I was putting on in
order to go on my holiday. In actual fact, had people been able to read my
mind, they would have seen the turmoil I was in. Despite fervently declaring
that I wanted to get better and knowing that I WANTED to put on weight, I was
very aware that I was not ready for the actual process required for weight
regain; this being a diet of the recommended 2500 calories a day. This
contradicting factor led me to question my motivation to get better. The idea
of eating so many calories repulsed me, whereas any rational person would revel
in the ability to indulge in ‘forbidden’ foods. I had made a snap decision
clouded by my stubborn determination to not be incarcerated at home during the
summer; this decision was detrimental due to its hastiness. In the confines of
the meeting rooms with my dietician I would agree to reintroduce a particular
food to my strict diet, when in my heart of hearts I knew this was a complete
lie. Lying was easy when the meetings were one to one and so my parents had no
idea about the meal plan set for me by my dietician. This made it subsequently
simple for me to pretend to my dietician that I had been following through with
the plan at home, hiding the hand-written plans at the back of my food diary
never to be frequented. My need for independence made consenting to adhere to a
meal plan easier said than done.
