Guilt. Being guilty comes from
the actual perpetration of a crime but the sentiment of guilt has an altogether
ulterior meaning. Guilt is a feeling that occurs upon the realisation of any
wrongdoing we may-or even in some cases may not- have done; it is often
followed by an inevitable regret. We are all guilty of many things and
depending on the type of person we have been raised to be it always differs to
what degree we wish to admit to having caused offense hence embracing to being
at fault. Occasionally, we are so wrapped up in our own lives we inflict pain
upon others unintentionally, which leads to a natural feeling of guilt. This is
exactly the case with Anorexia Nervosa sufferers. Having been so insular these
past months I could only speculate at the hurt I caused my family, blaming
myself a lot of the time for any argument which had arisen this past year. I
can see that I appeared very selfish and so that guilt has overwhelmed me to
the extent of nearly destroying me; I can never be sorry enough.
Asking my closest relations to
write their sentiments behind me and my development of Anorexia was not an easy
feat. I was touched by their acceptance of the task and in the mature way even
my younger sister handled reliving and visiting the obvious resentment towards
me. I willed them to be as honest as humanly possible, as only from a true
testimony can one really understand what it is like for the family members. I
respect them for their honesty. I knew it would be a gruelling read having had
a prior inkling of what their true feelings were. In reality, I could never
have been truly prepared to read what they had to say. For once I can see what
it must have really been like for them after having had the harsh honesties
lain so starkly in front of me. Every poignant revelation was a truth I had
deep down known to be a fact but had attempted to turn a blind-eye on, as it
hurt me too much to accept. My brother would always say ‘the truth hurts’ when
we would play fight as younger children. Though I had always been sceptical of
its meaning due to the way he had always used it to mock me, these words spoken
by a young boy are some of the wisest. I can no longer hide from these
accounts. They are genuine…
