Frustration. An emotion that is
derived from the Latin translation of ‘in vain’- the term used to describe the uselessness
of a task or its lack of effective results. This sentiment can be felt upon the
annoyance borne from not achieving a standard that you had formerly believed to
be your best; often ensued from setting the bar too high for yourself. It can
equally be experienced when an obstacle causes a hindrance which prevents us
from achieving the task we set out to do. With a mental disorder such as
Anorexia, the frustrations cultivate inside of you at your inability to be
competent enough to battle life’s numerous and inevitable impediments. Soon
enough the build-up causes the feelings to erupt out in an uncontrollable and often
unconstructive way hence forcefully ejected from us as anger. I would ridicule
my primary school headmaster who would call upon his ‘feely-bottle’ in school
assemblies to metaphorically portray how we can keep our emotions at bay in a
tightly lidded bottle until it would become too full and burst open. At a young
age we are rarely vexed by the anticipated disappointments in life, blessed
with a blissful ignorance of the pain these dissatisfactions lead to. I
therefore did not appreciate the full significance of his teaching. Experience
is the only true way that can lead to a complete understanding by imparting us
with an incontestable knowledge. Anorexia has enlightened me of life’s perils in
a way that has forced me to mature beyond my years. There is a persistent frustration
that prowls about my mind, endlessly clawing at the impenetrable barrier
created by my Anorexia that prohibits me from eating particular foods. Overwhelming
frustration will rear within me again when my body is incapable to perform in
the way I will it to, due to the consequential physical weakness from my months
of forced starvation. I have suppressed this feeling for far too long,
unwilling to unnecessarily further the burden of my illness on others. It has
come to the stage where I must vent.
Having finally reached a stage
whereby I do not punish myself so much for succumbing to the Anorexia and by
only permitting myself to carry the entire blame of the subsequent issues, I
get distressed upon hearing people judge my eating disorder as ‘self-inflicted’.
I recently read the daily mail which included an article on ‘manorexia’ (term coined to describe male Anorexia sufferers) to
satisfy my curiosity on what the media and its readers had to say on eating
disorders so I studied the piece and its comments to its entirety. Though I am
aware that these tabloids horde a range of extremely opinionated people, I was
not quite prepared to have divulged to me so blatantly the attack on the
seemingly selfish demeanour of Anorexia sufferers. A poignant comment left by a
prejudiced and judgemental reader stated ‘Great. Just what the NHS needs. More
self-inflicted illnesses’ and further insulted Anorexia sufferers by deeming
them ‘self-absorbed’. Only upon reflection however, do I realise why this particular
critique disgruntled me to such an extent; the reader made a verdict that we
did not deserve NHS help unlike the unpreventable physical disease sufferers
such as cancer. This concept has crossed my mind many a time and I still cannot
find it within me to shake away the theory that I brought it upon myself so I
do not warrant any help, let alone be praised for my ‘bravery’ at writing about
my experience. I unfortunately don’t believe I will ever fully be able to
eradicate this feeling though I have in time learnt to accept that I- like any
rational being- did not choose to become ill. I was hurt by these false
allegations presented in spiteful words which caused a maddening anger to arise
in a bid to defend myself and other sufferers. I feel such exasperation in the
knowledge that I cannot make anyone who has not fallen victim to Anorexia fully
comprehend the disorder (obviously not wishing it to befall on anyone), yet I
still feel I have achieved a clarification of the disorder to those who wish to
understand.
