A Dish Best Served Cold

Revenge. A nasty human trait formulated by the desire to settle a score. In life we will each face the inescapable act of being deceived by someone else but it is whether we personally decide to retaliate which determines the true outcome of such a deception. As children (and even into adulthood) we are urged by others to ‘turn the other cheek’ or that ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ but just leaving it be and letting the deceiver bask in the satisfaction of having hurt you, more often than not leads to a need for vengeance too potent to ignore; we cannot simply let the person get away with it unscathed. Initially we will instinctively search for ways to belittle our opponent in our own petty-mindedness; a quest to push the right buttons and hit them where it hurts. But what is done is done and whether or not we decide to pursue the path that ends in vindictiveness the truth of the matter is, should you really sink down to their level? It is always easy to say we should take the moral high ground but in defying this we get an instant gratification- the problem being it is merely a façade of contentment that does not last. Soon enough reality does hit and you are left with the initial hurt and the guilt of retaliation. I believe however, when it came to taking revenge on my Anorexia, vengeance was not only the right path for me, but the only one I was willing to take.

Anorexia has no emotions and no care for the person it is invading; its main objective is to impose misery and be in total control. I personify the disorder because I see it as a ‘being’ that has somewhat physically intruded my mind, making it easier for me to justify that this new personality trait was not part of me but rather an outsider controlling me. The Anorexia does not warrant me shrugging off just how much it affected my life over this past year by inflicting pain upon not only me but those I cherish and so I consider every positive outcome to be a personal victory and revenge on the disorder that sought to destroy me. It is as if every forkful is a big ‘stuff you’ to the Anorexia that had so long forbidden me to enjoy food. My original personality is such that, I do not lie low and dismiss hurtful comments. The passion for vengeance burns within me producing vivid ideas of how to avenge myself, however I do not seek to act in a spiteful way and so I mull over my options to get to the most constructive in the long run. This is why the retributions that have occurred over the past year have been so effective.

It was not enough for me to simply fight the illness for myself, I am not used to showing vulnerability and so I turned it around by proving I could be courageous enough to inspire others. I think the fact that I have been allowed to remain within the community during my recovery has opened my eyes to the harsh reality that Anorexia is far from being understood and even accepted as a true disorder by our society. It isolates you entirely from the world and makes you appear selfish when in fact it is a deliberate detachment from those who care for you in a bid to remain as secretive as possible; no one should interfere with the Anorexia’s plan of destruction. Though I very much chose to remain in a nomadic state during the few months of my relapse, I reached out to others via my written words in my own fight to make myself heard and be reintegrated in the community as opposed to being shunned for my bony figure. By revealing so publically how much I had deteriorated due my Anorexia, I could not lie to myself about my food intake; it gave me a determination to prove to others that I was still strong enough to persevere in recovery. I have been told that it is rare that sufferers choose a path to help others whilst still struggling with recovery but I would not have felt I was doing myself justice if I did not personally explain why I had succumbed to Anorexia. I felt misunderstood.

Of course there are still aspects of my disorder I have not quite been able impose my rebellion on, though I am reluctant to admit this. I do not want to see the Anorexia as still having any sort of control over me but I don’t know whether it is a fear from experience that leaves me hesitant to change or the disorder stopping me. I still feel the need to eat at a tediously slow pace and in a way that would not be acceptable in a social situation, especially with my aversion to drawing attention to my disorder. I get a sense that when I am faced with a day whereby I have nothing planned, then eating slowly means I have less time between meals to think obsessively about food. I am aware and grateful that I do not fixate myself entirely on my nutrition anymore but I cannot afford the risk of spiralling back into this compulsive behaviour. Of course if the situation requires me to eat at a ‘regular’ pace then I am more or less able to do so, such as in restaurants where I know I have the distraction of conversation and socialising. No matter the pace I will however, only ever have one item on my fork at all times. I have not found the necessity within me to resume normality in my home where I feel safe and would regard myself as gluttonous if I were to do so. In a way I don’t actually want to but is it my decision or the Anorexia’s? It is not a viable way to continue eating in the long run and therefore it is an issue I feel will be essential to address.

There are so many famous sayings revolving around the issue of revenge, each one contradicting the other: ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’ or ‘don’t get mad, get even’. I feel in a social situation it is best to sit back and judge a situation rather than acting on impulse but with the likes of Anorexia, it 100% deserved my goal for obliteration. Since succumbing to the disorder I have a closer and more honest relationship with my family whilst the Anorexia sought to isolate me. I have reached out to try and help others whilst the Anorexia sought to turn me insular. I have regained some weight and my body has filled out whilst the Anorexia sought to make me waste away. I have mostly regained control whilst the Anorexia sought to make me bow down to its regime. I no longer have a fear of leaving my house or even the fear of the thought of going out clubbing with my friends, what is now stopping me is a confidence in myself and in the way I look; I do not quite feel I could be attractive. The Anorexia is no longer the boss of me and I making sure it will never again misjudge my vulnerability; I have the strength to fight my battle and see it through to the end.