Full Of Guts

Courage. The ability to be able to face difficulties presented to you despite your fears is a trait that many admire as well as endeavour to possess.  As humans, we have the instinct to stick to what we know; to what we feel is safe. Yet we all have the ability to be brave and venture out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves. It will certainly not come easily- but then, why should it? The mere demonstration of having courage requires the fact that it is out of the norm which henceforth acquires the respect from all observant parties. Often, motivation and own experiences empower a person to illustrate their courage, as you must become bold enough to initiate an act of valour regardless of potential dangers. Courage need not be a heroic act whereby you save a ‘damsel in distress’ per se, but it can take on many forms depending on the fears addressed. We are not all super-heroes, yet we have a notion that these are the only ‘people’ who warrant the title of being brave- acts of heroism being their day jobs actually annihilates all doubts they may have had in themselves and becomes a sort of routine. True courage is when someone we would see as ordinary performs the extraordinary and accepts their feat with humility. With Anorexia, I have found that opportunities insistent on the need to be brave arise around every corner. Whether it be the courage to eat a particular food or ‘merely’ the courage to confide in someone, they merit a huge applause, as any aspect of an eating disorder is arduous to overcome.

Being the shy person I have always been, the fact that I began to open up so publically about my eating disorder required me to put my inhibitions behind me and write from the heart. To me, writing my thoughts and feelings down came relatively easily as I was not face to face with the reactions of those who would be reading my exploits. Though I was thought to have been brave for admitting to having had an eating disorder and revealing every detail of my suffering, I did not see it that way. I personally saw it as a necessity to make myself heard; to make myself understood by a judgemental society whom I knew had made wrongful assumptions behind my succumbing to Anorexia. However, this past week I achieved a goal I had never thought I’d have the guts to fulfil. I SPOKE out. Having a few months ago been unable to verbalise my disorder to even my manager at work, this week I got the opportunity to return to my old school to speak to a group of 180, 14-15 year old girls about Anorexia and divulge my story. I was humbled by the praise I received for having achieved what I had set out to do- educate society and if possible, help even one person step towards recovery- and therefore I accepted the idea that I had in this case been courageous. I basked in the euphoria of having young girls come up to me and acknowledge the usefulness of what I had just done. I had not expected the silence in the room and the respect I received from each person who hung on to my every word and even asked questions; they were genuinely interested in what I had to say and they wanted to learn more. It is in accomplishing to speak out about my disorder and having to face the instantaneous reactions that I really gleaned how much what I was doing was a help for others.

The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster ride in terms of battling the meagre hold the Anorexia still has on me- its vice like grip loses intensification with each finger I remove whilst getting closer to a complete recovery. I have admitted to still eating slowly and to avoiding particular foods as well as picking the lowest calorie choice from a menu, however when I decided to go on a holiday to Paris with only my sister by side, I could not have expected just how much I would challenge myself. I had initially been worried, as I knew breakfast was a buffet selection and being wary of my knowledge of portion sizes I did not know whether I would be able to cope with this much freedom. However, I was comfortable knowing that my sister is a good role model for how much I should eat though I felt it necessary to warn her beforehand that I would be following what she would be eating during the day so as to not make her feel unnerved. When it came to actually our very first meal in Paris it was fast food chicken wings, which we shared. I can genuinely say that I cannot recollect the last time I have eaten fast food and the fact that I ate it with no qualms really shocked me- if my sister could do it then so could I. My biggest shock came when I virtually matched my sister’s pace of eating, only finishing a few seconds behind her! Being in the Disneyland theme park, we had action packed days and I therefore had little time to think about food nor did I want to waste the precious time we had to have fun on eating and so I won out over my Anorexia. Now back home, the courage I had has unfortunately not resulted in a permanent change, and the fact that I am leading dreary days indoors with little to do means that eating slowly fills up my seemingly unending free time.

During my week in Paris, I picked out foods from the menus which I craved; I finally felt like myself again, eating what I wanted and not letting it be dictated by my Anorexia. I wouldn’t say that I have recovered but I do feel a lot more confident in myself and the closer I have got to my weight target has been a huge help too. I ate dishes with chips, large portioned dishes and even washed them down with a well-deserved cocktail. I even ordered dessert. I have always had a sweet tooth and had up until this point been wary of many desserts, sticking to muffins or fruit cakes and tarts shying away from the pastries and creamy ones. I managed to eat a whole pain-au-chocolat each morning, as well as follow my lunch with an afternoon snack of two generous scoops of Ben and Jerries ice-cream and finish off my evening meal with a whole array of delicious desserts including banana splits, crepes and waffles. The decadence was overwhelming but long awaited.

I would have expected to feel intense guilt and a requirement to be punished by my Anorexia, but miraculously I feel good- really good. I have learnt to accept that indulgence is not an everyday occurrence and I am ALLOWED to enjoy food. It has to be said that outside of a holiday environment I have yet to be brave enough to explore how much I can push the boundaries my Anorexia has so long held over me but in time I now know that it will be achievable; one step at a time. I know that I have the ability to influence those around me and this pushes me towards the need to recover, as I want to do everyone proud as well as be a motivation for others to follow my suit. I look forward to being able to speak publically again, having overcome the fear of only isolating my thoughts to the computer. I think that words can be somewhat more poignant when delivered out-loud. With my upcoming holidays I know that I must carry with me the knowledge of my accomplishments so far and therefore not be scared to repeat them- though I have a fear of starting to binge-eat. The more I push myself, the more comfortable it will become. I just need the courage. Recovery is scary, but perseverance leads to great achievements.