Pounds in Change

Change. We each have the capability to alter ourselves but whether or not the amendments have positive or negative consequences is left to the significance and motive behind this need to change. Many believe that people are not competent enough to change; who we are within and the principles we were brought up with remain eternally with us due to an impossibility to ‘unlearn’ behaviours. It is only with this attitude however that we set ourselves limits, as any deviance from our expected personality would seem false and therefore deemed both pointless and consequentially too much effort- It isn’t ‘us’ and so we settle with a comfortable side to our personalities. I have found that there is a particular notion that if someone has previously committed an act judged to be inappropriate by today’s society, then we are unwilling to forgive them and accept that they will not do it again. I guess it must be a human instinct to be wary of things we consider to have formerly hurt us and so in a bid for survival we are doubtful of their trustworthiness. But we CAN change and for that reason we are all responsible for not holding someone’s past against them. In accepting a change in someone else we must henceforth change our own perceptions of this person. Communication between two parties will break down should there be a conflict between a belief that an alteration in someone has occurred. It is often a sense of denial and the want to hold on to positive memories that we turn a blind eye to changes. I do not doubt the ability to change (be it for the better or for the worse), as varied experiences impacted throughout our lives have the ability to revolutionise our way of thinking and subsequently our comportment. The turbulence I was made to endure over this past year has modified something within me, no matter the insistence that I am still the person I was before the Anorexia. I cannot deny that these changes have been somewhat positive in their own way.    

What has come as a revelation to me is that I always require some sort of strict regime in my life to feel at ease and therefore when it is not thrust upon me from authority, I seek this solace from other aspects around me. Up until very recently I have now realised that I had begun to use my blog as an obligation I must abide to every week. With a lack of rigidity over the year after having left school, I felt reassured by the comforting familiarity of having something I had to work towards- with recovery not being in the vicinity, a weekly writing target kept me on my toes. Though I no longer control my calorie intake to the extent I had, my need for control shifted to trivialities. What has hence scared me most is the idea that I will never be rid of this necessity to always have a notion of jurisdiction over something or other. Will I be doomed to feel my life has no direction or purpose if I do not comply with a regime? The fear of the unknown has always pushed me towards control, as the uncertainty that lies in my future seems more bearable if I have a hold of where it is heading. I would never have described myself as a ‘free spirit’, yet over the past months when I have challenged myself to override the Anorexia, I have relished in the feeling of liberation. It has led to an acceptance in the fact that my future is not set out for me and that I can alter it along the way and be spontaneous.

The question I have begun to more frequently ask myself is at what point is someone considered to have recovered from Anorexia. The physical recovery is one thing and seems somewhat superficial to that of the one that must occur within the mind, as an entire new mentality is required. I fell into Anorexia fairly easily, slipping into the comforting ritual of controlling and planning everything I was to eat with ease and delight. Giving up something that gives you such a semblance of joy is so difficult that you, the sufferer, are the sole decider of when you decide to take hold of the disorder and fight back. You can chose to reign it in quickly at the first signs or you could chose to fight it later, one thing that is certain is that it will not merely run its course and leave you as quickly and easily as it was adopted. A previously weak-minded person susceptible to being influenced by those around me with the desire to please, I had to transform myself into a fighter- something I was not born into.

The disorder parades itself so openly with the sickly skeletal appearance of its sufferers. I was always very aware of this fact as I watched myself literally waste away before my very eyes and especially when I received the intrusive stares in public. Though I was secretly satisfied at watching the numbers plummet on the scales, the physical translation of what this decent into hell meant was extremely distressing; I wanted to see a miniscule number on the scales but not a miniscule me in the mirror. More recently I have been told that although I am still clearly at a low BMI, I do not look like what many would selfishly dub as ‘Anorexic’. I wondered whether this was purely down to them having gotten used to seeing me so rail thin or whether to others I genuinely portrayed a healthier and fuller figure. The undeniable figure change is a physical sign that I am in recovery, but even when I eventually reach my target weight (to which I am currently just less than 7Kg away from in an estimate of 10 weeks should I continue at the pace I have been restoring) will I be considered recovered? I think not. The mind takes far longer to heal than any physical symptom and therefore I must have the patience to continue to fight even when the scales reveal that I am ‘healthy’.

As I began to list my changes that I would blame on the Anorexia, I realised that the negative ones were simply an intensification of traits I have always possessed; my obsessive need for control, independence, organised rituals and most importantly, success. Does it mean that the changes were not in my personality but my environment? Is it just the world around me and how I fitted into it and adapted myself to it by dulling down some of my qualities whilst amplifying others? No. I believe I have developed a certain courage I had once lacked within myself. I am strong. I am worthy. I can achieve. As a result I have been forced into maturity as anyone must when faced with fighting such a disorder or illness, whilst accepting that I can admit to needing help and not shying away from it when it is offered. My relationships have changed and mainly for the better as I have learnt that I can depend on others around me. I am not alone.

‘A leopard cannot change its spots’ the saying goes, yet this is both a naïve and pessimistic way to judge people. Yes a leopard will always have the same spots inked over its body very much like we will always have a past that we cannot erase, but we should all be given the opportunity to redeem ourselves. I will always have suffered from Anorexia but I will not always be Anorexic. Just take a look at the transition between my first posts and my more recent ones. I have been strong enough to fight for my chance to return to the person I used to be and wipe away the façade the disorder created. Though I am now certain I will continue with my struggle to win, this year will undeniably have left its imprint on me; the experience has caused irrevocable changes. I very much wish at this point in time that I could believe I might one day be able to pick a meal completely care-free of its calorie content as I once did, but my now extensive knowledge of calorie densities will always cause me to think twice before doing so. I have been so open about my plight that even if I now chose to blot out the year, my mind will always drudge up the memory and I won’t be able to lie to myself about how I became the person I am now as a result. Like a chameleon I could blend into the surrounding environment wherever I go-hiding-, yet I will always be the same person who has suffered through an eating disorder; I am not ashamed of having suffered from Anorexia, as I have been fighting my way out of it. I hope to inspire others to make the change for themselves by delivering first-hand the proof of what recovery could eventually bring to a person, yet not fool them into believing it will be easy. Most importantly I hope to change the views that society has on those that have suffered like me from an eating disorder.