Stomach Churning

Fear. The feeling that is felt in the pit of your stomach; the dread that causes all your insides to churn with anxiety whilst apprehending the occurrence of your most distressing nightmare. A phobia can be borne from experience after having had bad recollections of previous consequences caused by a particular event. In many cases there is no way to rationalise a fear, as it has seemingly developed from no specific incident. We cannot always explain why the panicked feeling arises; our hearts start beating faster, we feel the fear-fuelled adrenaline course through our veins and our breaths become spiked with distress. The effects of terror can either cause you to face it head on in order to overcome this fear or to run away and prolong the horror. Fear is not an easy emotion to address, as the sufferer will often refuse to be confronted by their phobias and shy away from any opportunity in which to do so.  For non-Anorexia sufferers it may appear as if we cannot justify our fears of eating particular foods, going a day without exercising or ultimately weight gain, but take one day perusing our corrupted minds and you will see why and to what extent the anxiety consumes us. In defying your Anorexic voice it spears at your conscience by belittling you and making you feel revolting for what you have or have not done in order to please it. It will instantly want you to settle the score by compromising another aspect within your diet or lifestyle i.e. Exercise to lose the calories or eat less. In many instances it is easier to appease the voice than to challenge the constant pain of being afraid.

It is weird to think about how a single piece of food can cause such a stir of emotions within me- bread and cheese being the main culprits behind my anxiety. These two foods were the first two to be abolished from my diet when I had begun suffering from Anorexia, which means it is somewhat obvious that they would be the last two to return. I am aware that my fear is irrational as it is only food- a necessity in our survival- and taken in moderation will certainly not harm me, yet this does not stop me refusing to reintroduce them. In my mind, eating them would be the ultimate defeat of the Anorexia and I do not feel I am quite at that stage yet. Bread is such a staple food within our diets and formulates many very convenient dishes such as sandwiches and pizzas and therefore I am determined to fight against the terror and as hard as it is to admit I DO miss it. Cheese on the other hand, I can never see myself eating with the regularity that I used to prior to my Anorexia; my main meal used to be followed by a piece of cheese which I have now replaced by a yogurt. I will accept and consume cheese in dishes if I am not able to see it, such as in a sauce, however I cannot see myself ever being able to justify the eating of cheese for enjoyment. Who knows, the day may come where I realise how ridiculous I am being, but for now I am content with my dairy substitute.

To round off my action packed summer full of exotic holidays, I spent 10 days in Portugal with a small group of friends. The holiday was intended to be one in which I could fully relax and renew the closeness I once had with my best friend before I fell ill. The challenges however, began nearly as soon as we stepped off the plane. I have not been able to admit to what happened next to anyone apart from who was there with me, as I am embarrassed at having been in my Anorexia’s eyes, ‘weak’. Upon arrival at our hotel, we were famished after travelling all morning and so we decided to eat lunch at the hotel snack bar. Every single item on the menu was bread based- sandwiches, toasties, burgers, hotdogs and pizzas- what was I to do? I KNEW I could not merely skip lunch, as I was not prepared to go backwards in recovery and so after much deliberation and debate, I settled for a ham sandwich. It arrived and the thought processes in my mind were as follows: 1) white bread 2) thick cut 3) lined with lashing of butter 4) the bread was stale. I felt torn and it was almost torture to have to think about eating it. For my first taste of bread in over a year, this was not really the most idealistic way. Unable to contemplate biting into such a sandwich, I psyched myself up to cut it up with my fingers and placing it piece by piece in my mouth. Even before I was ill I would abhor the idea of having butter in my sandwich and so I searched for ways to avoid it. I could feel my Anorexia starting to take me over with every mouthful that was placed in my mouth- how could I avoid eating all the bread? Will anyone notice if I leave the rest and only eat the ham? Can I scrape the butter off? Before having even started eating the sandwich, my mind had resolved itself to leave the crust. The further I delved into what seemed to me to be a monstrous creation, the weaker I felt myself become. I was not enjoying it. The stale bread got the better of me and I had to leave about half of it though I did make the biggest effort to eat the butter covered ham within. It was a tough meal but I sort of got through it. I hope now that I will be less afraid to try bread again but maybe in a more tasteful way.

During the 10 days what scared me the most was that because we were understandably on a budget being students, in my mind, the cheaper the meal the worse the quality and the more fat they add to the food to make up for the lack of taste. When it came to choosing a restaurant, the girls each made sure there was at least one item on the menu that suited us all although in some instances I felt somewhat forced into eating somewhere I was not entirely comfortable with because I didn’t want to appear difficult or ruin their holiday because they craved a particular food. However, never once was I made to feel bad for not wanting to eat somewhere and the pressure was only within me due to my want to be normal like them and a want to fit in. Most of the time it did turn out to be absolutely fine and I would just work myself up into an unnecessary frenzy, as I did manage to find a dish I felt content enough to eat and it made me realise how I must be more accommodating in regards to my diet and what I want to eat. I am glad I was thrust into an environment where it wasn't all about me and what I wanted or did not want to eat as it pushed me towards another step in my recovery and I will be forever grateful to the girls for that. It was certainly a learning curve for me. 

I am not going to lie I do fear seeing the number displayed on the scales rising week by week, however a more distressing and disheartening feeling comes when I see the number fall. Last month after my holidays to France and Mexico I anticipated to get on the scales and see if not a rise in my weight, then at least an ability to have sustained it outside of the comfort of my home. To my horror I had actually lost a kilo. This was the first time that I had lost any weight for several months and I had believed I was doing so well; I now had yet another kilo to regain. I should not be discouraged however, as learning to have a balanced diet is going to be trial and error for me. In the notion that I had gorged on the Mexican buffets, I had ceased to take snacks for the week in France and ate only my three meals a day like the others. The weight snuck off without me realising it, yet it is evident to me now that it would have done, as I was not including condiments such as bread into my diet like the rest of my family. I am aware I am still in the weight restoration stage; however I am getting increasingly worried about how I will achieve to maintain a healthy weight once I have reached my target. My imminent move to university means that I will be left entirely to my own devices whereby I will be serving myself my own portions and I will have my days filled with lectures meaning I will have to learn to become more flexible with my eating patterns and with what I eat. My parents have relinquished their control believing they can trust me to sustain myself. I know I can, they know I can and I am ready to live my life. It is going to be a tough transition but I believe that with the right mind-set I have now cultivated and the support of others around me it should not be too daunting a task.