All You Can Eat

Ashamed. Reflect on an event within your lives which you endeavoured to supress from the outside world. We each have at least one particular moment we are immediately struck with. This inexplicable need to keep our darkest secrets hidden is down to our inability to trust one another with an intimate knowledge of our past. Such closeted events are always those that would potentially lead to us being shunned socially or viewed in a different yet negative way than to prior the revelation. Without the familiarity of how the recipient will react, we prefer to keep quiet. This mortification should not be confused with modesty whereby we downplay the impact of our actions to avoid a public display of gratification whilst not wanting to seem arrogant. Though some would say that my battle with my recovery from Anorexia has been one to be admired due to my bravery and audacity to be so honest, I could not openly accept such compliments as I should never have had the need to recover from such a disorder. In a way I still partly blame myself. This leads to me being somewhat defensive of any negative comebacks concerning my plight, as I was responsible for my own suffering. The embarrassment in admitting to strangers face to face that I have suffered from Anorexia is borne from a feeling of humiliation regarding my past. I therefore fight with myself every day to put a positive spin on my story.

Until my family holiday in Mexico, I had not had the opportunity to start afresh meeting new people who had no idea of my struggles this past year without having the physical banner of my illness etched across my body. After having finally put on enough weight whereby I no longer look (as many would dub) ‘Anorexic’, a newfound confidence flourished within me, as I could finally feel like I could be accepted as a normal human being.  Anorexia (or any mental illness for that matter) is not contagious, yet society continues to have a devastating tendency to avoid those with a weakness. I guess it is within or nature to protect ourselves from those that are more susceptible to failure; it is the survival of the fittest.  I found myself recounting my year to acquaintances on holiday and consciously avoiding why I had decided to take the year out, preferring to explain my gap year as a means to create enough funding through work for my future years in higher education. Where my Anorexia is concerned, I have never set out to selectively choose to evade the subject. But a rare chance presented itself where the internet and social networking was inaccessible and so I could be Solene minus the baggage, especially seeing as after the holiday I would most likely never see these people again so I did not feel guilty. The occasion was just too sweet to pass by and I relished in the feeling of not having to explain myself for my actions, or be judged. I will admit I was ashamed of admitting my weakness to a seemingly carefree crowd of people my age and so I lied by omission.

I used to be the first to recite all the new exciting and exotic dishes that I had had the opportunity to try over my holiday; food used to be the centre of my contentment but in a positive and measured way. However, I now feel gluttonous at the amount of food that I consumed over the 10 days on holiday with my family in an all-inclusive, buffet serving resort. The variety of food on offer was overwhelmingly enticing and I used to always be the sort of person who would take full advantage of what was on offer and WANT to try a little bit of everything. My similar all-inclusive family holiday last year in Marrakesh made me cautious of how I would react to such a quantity of food that I had not seen be prepared- last year I resorted to eat a miniscule amount of low calorie-density foods. In contrast to that, my true self won over this time and I allowed myself to savour the buffet- with moderation. I was on holiday, a place where we can let go. Despite this I still chose to avoid the fried foods, cheese and cream laden dishes along with bread. I was apprehensive about eating so much in front of my parents, as I find openly appreciating food an embarrassment and I will shy away from any comment made on how it looks like I am enjoying it. On top of this I would make sure not to go back to the buffet alone for my next course at the risk of looking greedy.

 The recurring fear that, should I eat something in particular I will be expected to eat it with no resistance again, resurfaced. I was not wrong to feel like that as recently my dad stated ‘oh but you ate it in Mexico’- I did but again, I was on HOLIDAY. The return home was a return to my reality and after weighing up how much I had eaten I did feel myself wanting to slip back into restricting to make up for my greed. When I went to France to visit my family this week, I consciously stopped eating snacks - which did not go unnoticed by my parents- in my fear of putting weight back on too quickly. It was the perfect opportunity to reintroduce the diet I used to have before my illness (snacking was never part of it), as I did not have the temptation of food filling the cupboards. My snacks were only ever a means to restore my weight and not feeling comfortable doing it all in one go, I felt that I deserved a break for at least a week which my parents have failed to understand. I do not feel I have been eating necessarily less than I would have at home considering the fact I make my parents serve me my portions, but they still insist on serving me more than them disregarding anything extra that I have eaten which they have not. I am not completely out of the woods weight wise and having not weighed myself since before my holiday I do not know where my weight stands but I am conscious that a couple more kilos would not go amiss. I still want to take this last step slowly so I would ask anyone to just let me do it in my own time. Please.

We are our biggest critics, yet when there is a backlash of criticism presented towards you from the outside world, it is as if our biggest fears have been realised. Having read so many comments on articles regarding Anorexia, I cannot help but generalise how people are going to react to hearing I had/have an eating disorder. I recently read someone who dubbed a picture of a woman who had been suffering severely from Anorexia as ‘disgusting’. Yes it is not attractive and even scary to see a person so frail because you can see every bone of their emaciated frame through their paper-thin skin, yet what gives anyone the right use such a powerfully soul-destroying word on someone else. At the height of my illness I would despair at how skeletal I was but if anyone had turned around and called me disgusting it would have been my undoing; I would not have coped. With all this potential hurt roaming around, it is no surprise that we choose which facts to lay out for all to see and which ones we prefer to keep to ourselves for protection. I will never lie about my past but I do not think it will be something I will openly discuss with someone until they have gained my trust. Knowing how much of a taboo Anorexia still is and wanting to dispel criticism is one of the main reasons I started writing. I want, no, need the motives behind my disorder to be understood and accepted. There will always be a vicious critic- be it yourself or a stranger- but I will not let them make me feel puny for my weakness. I am not proud of having suffered from Anorexia but I AM proud of the way I have handled my inevitable recovery.