Great Big Expectations

Expectations. An event that you are anticipating to happen. When suffering from an eating disorder you become somewhat of a perfectionist, setting the bar high for yourself and expecting to see the results. Should you fall short of such standards, you feel a failure that overrides any logical way of thinking. It can make it harder to accept yourself accompanied by a persistent need of punishment for what is perceived as an ‘underachievement’. Most of the time your food intake takes the biggest hit. The same expectations can be laid down for recovery. There is an unspoken pressure to wake up one day and suddenly ‘be better’ but that is unlikely if not impossible. Eating a ‘forbidden’ food one day with no problem would mean you are henceforward expected to be fine with eating it again; that is not the case. Recovery from an eating disorder often fluctuates with your mood and so in the most difficult of times you cannot be expected to find recovery easy.

Having recently undertaken my second year university exams and having achieved a high grade in my midterms (to the detriment of my health), I felt an overwhelming need to keep up the standard this term.  Yet, I could not find the motivation to work as hard as I had done previously. I would watch my fellow colleagues work day and night in the library, whilst I idled around aimlessly. What I had failed to take into consideration was that I had worked consistently throughout the year and so I did not need to cram at the last minute. However, I still felt guilty for my ‘laziness’. Fortunately, being on fluoxetine this time around, it was much easier to cope with the stress and I did not fall into a depression nor did my diet take a hit. In hindsight, having received my results, I realise that my need to pressurise myself was futile and I was perfectly able to achieve good results. I just needed to believe in myself.

On returning to the doctors before leaving for my summer break, I was weighed; it had been 2 months. Considering the effort I had made previously to increase my calorie intake and finding very little effect on my weight, I was disheartened. Yet I hoped beyond expectation that my work had finally been rewarded. Fortunately, I was not to be disappointed having put on 1Kg a month; a slow and steady weight gain I was comfortable with. I was proud of myself, yet scared of feeling gluttonous.  This somewhat took a toll on the types of foods I felt I was ‘bingeing’ on, as I found it difficult to eat the large portion of dried fruit and nuts I had been previously snacking on. This was not aided by my return home whereby dinner is served far earlier than I would have it at university, therefore my stomach would still be full from my extensive snack. Any normal person when they are not hungry would be able to skip a meal no problem, but I must rely on having my 3 meals a day and a snack in order to keep up my weight and restore it. It therefore makes me feel greedy when I eat despite being full. It seems an alien concept.

As summer rolled in, my trip to Tanzania was looming ever closer. Having booked it over Christmas when I was still losing weight, it had been a huge motivation to get myself back on track. My parents were adamant that at a low weight, they would not allow me to go. I was therefore grateful for my return on the path to recovery. Three weeks in Africa seemed daunting. Strangers would surround me and foods I was comfortable with would probably not be readily available. I expected to struggle; how wrong I was. My trip with Gap Medics was to become one of the most awe-inspiring experiences I ever had, as I got to shadow one of the most incredible dentists whilst out there. Not only this but I made friends and got close to people in such a short space of time, which I had never expected. Being used to staying somewhat solitary a lot of the time, I was not used to having people around me constantly, yet it was a breath of fresh air. I feel much more confident in myself coming back. I may actually be fun to hang around with again and that my eating disorder is NOT what defines me.

The food was hit and miss. Obviously within the space of three weeks I would have some ups and downs. The trip did not start positively in terms of food, as after nearly 48 hours of travelling to our final destination, I had barely moved an inch and my whole metabolism was sluggish. I was not the only one to feel this and so I was very aware of how little everyone was eating the first couple of days, this made it very difficult for me to subsidise myself properly, yet I persisted. Breakfasts would be laden with crepes and nutella, French toast and other confectionaries that were hard to resist. I had to keep reminding myself that I had to eat in order to have energy at the hospital. Fortunately breakfast was never so much an issue, as porridge and exotic fruits would also be available. Come lunchtime, some days I would be so wrought with guilt from a big breakfast that I felt the need to return to the house and have a salad or soup from the pantry, whilst others would go into town for lunch and order pizzas and Panini’s with no problem. Throughout the weeks I became more at ease and was able to join them; it was good to know that I could finally win through and enjoy myself.

Come dinnertime however, my resolve differed everyday. We were catered for and of course being in Africa, the majority of the food was carbohydrate based. VERY scary. At home my parents cook very healthily with no excessive oils and fats, yet in Africa the food was laden with cooking oil to add ‘flavour’ to the dishes and I found this very hard to handle. The food was served as a buffet and there was variety, so I could eat as little or as much as I liked. Buffets are one of my weaknesses with Anorexia, as I find it so much easier to underfeed myself, but I pushed myself to eat normally by discreetly observing other people’s normal portions. I was even able to keep up a normal pace of eating the whole time I was there. As the weeks passed I felt I was probably gaining weight, yet I felt increasingly more comfortable with the food I was being served and I started to enjoy it. On a couple of occasions I even went for seconds; I NEVER do this. I have always found it easier to eat when I am away from my routine and Africa definitely proved it. I was so glad that my days were not ruined by my eating disorder. In fact, I put it very little thought whilst I was out there compared to a typical day.

By not suffering from any body dismorphia, I have always been aware of when I look skinny and it knocks my confidence. Being skeletal is far from attractive and unfortunately, I do care how others perceive me. I was only just about ok with my weight leaving for Africa, but my arms- which have never been big- still looked as spindly as ever and my ribs, though not prominent, were visible. I was hyper aware of comments that could be made about my weight or even expected disgusted looks when I stripped down to a bikini. Yet, I found people more than accepting despite many off-hand comments on how ‘tiny’ I am; I am aware of the innocence behind them. My only criticism of the people would be when they would refer to the chicken as ‘anorexic’ due to the limited amount of meat to be found on them. It is not OK to use such a term in a derogatory way; it seems to downplay the importance and legitimacy of an eating disorder. Yes I am still underweight and I do aim to achieve a normal BMI, yet I would hate for people to find my current figure disturbing and disgusting.

Sometimes it’s easier to aim low for yourself, to avoid future disappointment, yet this is not a good way to live. Expecting to fail is miserable and I can vouch for that, as I have so long lived by these morals. By observing those in poverty in Africa, it may be cliché to come out with how I came to realise how lucky I am, but I truly did. These people were content, friendly and more often than not had smiles on their faces despite deprivation.  I must be more positive, as I accept things about myself that I have so long denied. I can be sociable and I can function in groups of people without coming across an outsider. I also do not feel the need to fake happiness in my personality, as I truly believe I have achieved a sense of serenity and peace in my life at the moment. So long I had been faking contentment but now I feel I am finally getting somewhere in life, heading somewhere and making something of myself. I just need to expect great things from myself and leave the Anorexia behind.