Filling up with Pressure

Pressure. We can often bear the feeling of being required to carry a burden we are ill-equipped to cope with.  When saddled with our own need to achieve, we can often lay an unnecessary stress upon ourselves, which could easily be relieved if we were to trust our abilities. For someone suffering from Anorexia Nervosa, they find comfort in the knowledge that their failure can of sorts be rectified with the accomplishment of restricting themselves of food. When there is little we can control in the face of anxiety, ‘victories’ are sought in different places and predominantly in how we feed ourselves; alimentation being the one true aspect we have complete power over. Soon enough we build a tolerance to the small euphoria induced in the initial cutting down of food and we therefore resist our fear of failure through the oasis we have found within our turmoil and so the Anorexia flourishes. It is not sufficient to merely reach a goal, we want to come out ‘top’; there is no end to what the Anorexia will make us endure. WE must decide to believe that we can truly be content with our achievements outside of the bubble Anorexia has created and eventually return to a world where contentment can be found in all places.

Following the admission to having started counting my calories again during the pressure of exams, I thought that the problem would rectify itself as time went on and the stress alleviated. I unfortunately overestimated the ease at which this can be done, despite having faced a relapse in my Anorexia before. Instead of being reassured that I would not need to count my calories in order to lessen my anxiety, I found myself regressing in a way that I felt that I needed to once again weigh out my portions (not to the gram but nevertheless more precisely) to know how much I was having. After my month at home over Christmas, I was able to directly compare the portions I had been making for myself alone at university with the more regular ones being served up to me by my family. In my mind, I felt I had been over feeding myself over the semester whilst fending for myself and therefore, in the bid to rectify the ‘damage’ and avoid putting on more weight, I believe this is what triggered my need to calorie count again. I have therefore had to consistently remind myself how skeletal I looked at my lowest weight and how miserable it made me.  

Before- Summer 2011

Now- (Left)

I was aware that I was becoming stuck in a rut whereby my days would once again revolve around my mealtimes and I refused to be agile with them as well as confine myself to my room in order to eat. I was still sticking to a healthy amount of calories but I felt safer knowing exactly how many I was having. I could feel the return of a sense of depression despite the continuation of my anti-depressant treatment. I no longer felt the desire to leave my room, or go out clubbing with my flat mates and friends, which I had so loved and enjoyed the previous semester. I am unsure what changed exactly and how it came about but I knew that I had to do something or my health could severely deteriorate- I had been in similar situations before. At the time I still had the stress of finding out my results and therefore whether I would potentially be accepted to take part in an interview for the transfer to Dentistry; the degree that has always been my dream. In the face of the unknown, I was adding excessive pressure on myself.

Having experienced the benefits of a week away in the fresh mountain air skiing the year before, I knew that a week away from university with my family would be the perfect opportunity to pick myself back up again. Last year, I believe that week really was the turning point in my recovery, as I came back feeling more fulfilled and positive towards my recovery and subsequently revived out of my depression. Having commitments with my degree that week, I was unsure up until the last minute whether I would be able to go or not, but I felt for my wellbeing and continuation at university, that a week away would be wise. Leaving the country and the comforts of my home and rituals, I always feel I am able to achieve far more and I can actually push myself. I therefore took it upon myself to not take any scales with me to the Alpes. I was also embarrassed to admit to my parents how downhill I come since they had seen me at Christmas, nor did I ever want them to see me using scales again as it would only bring back nightmare memories; they have enough on their plates (no pun intended). I did not want to become a liability.

I could not have hoped for a better week of skiing, the snow was amazing and there were blue skies every day, most of all I did not have any speed limitations on account of the fragility of my bones like last year. I was free to experience the exhilaration of my favourite sport. As predicted, I was able to challenge myself once again with the foods I would eat; granted I acknowledge that a lot of the challenging process was marred in the knowledge that I had and would be extensively exercising all day. Each morning I found myself eating a bowl of my usual porridge accompanied by half a pain au chocolat fresh from the bakery, which I found to be an indulgence that I am unafraid to admit I enjoyed. Lunch times this year were taken at the restaurant on the piste where even though I would take a bowl of soup, I compensated with a yogurt, fruit and an extra cereal bar to keep up my energy. Upon returning back from a day of skiing, I amazed myself by accepting a regular piece of praline brioche like everyone else with little though or guilt.

The food challenges were not to stop there as on the final day, we chose a different restaurant for lunch- a Pizzeria. Though I had a huge variety of choice on the menu, I decided, like the rest of my family, to order a pizza. This was my FRIST pizza since I have been ill, with my last one being a distant memory I have long lost forgotten. I still consider bread and cheese to be the ‘enemy’ but having seen these ultra-thin crusted pizzas float past the table, I was motivated to break the biggest feat yet in my recovery. I finished the whole pizza guilt free AND had three pancakes for dinner the very same night! I would not say I will be as extravagant with my food choices on a regular basis, but it allowed me to break the taboo of eating a pizza that I had long held on to. Fortunately my parents know me well enough NEVER to ask if I am enjoying a particularly daring food whilst I am eating and thankfully waited until I was done and I myself had admitted to enjoying it to ask questions.

The week was not all plain sailing, as I saw myself stress about the lectures I would be missing and the work I had to do, as well as the long anticipated reply from the dentistry school (turns out I still have not heard anything) in the fear of having to make an emergency trip home. Returning back from independence also saw me start to resent the questions of being asked whether I was ok to eat at restaurants at lunch and what I felt was safe to eat for dinner; I felt every decision had to revolve around me. My sister as a consequence felt that I was drawing attention to my own needs and that I felt I required ‘special attention’- far from it, as I would rather have been left alone. I do however, feel that the week did me a lot of good and I definitely came back, yet again, with a more positive outlook and although physically exhausted, I was no longer suffering from the emotional exhaustion I had been.

I am aware I am an over-achiever, though I do prefer to set the bar low for myself to avoid disappointment. However, this does not stop me putting pressure on myself to do well in life and not to feel like a failure should I not be able to attain my aspirations. Fortunately, my hard work so far this year has paid off and I currently have a first in the first half of the year, having also come out of the other side of exam period relatively unharmed by stress. I should now start to believe in my abilities and acknowledge that I can do well; in turn this will alleviate the stress I put on myself in a healthy manner as I know that I CAN do it. Though I know I have had a slight set-back in my recovery, I can still sense the determination to get rid of the Anorexia and I have not been defeated. I will continue to fight and I will continue to win.