Regression Impressions

Impressions. The way you act is always going to define you as a person, especially to those that do not know you personally. When someone sees you as someone other than who you really are and reminds you of this fact, it can really hurt. Whatever actions you aim to pursue, people will know, people will see and people will judge. Unfortunately a reputation is easy to gain but much harder to lose. University for me was a place in which I could recreate a persona that I could really fit to. Unfortunately, I most definitely overestimated myself in that regard. I would have thought that the past could always remain so; however history has a menacing way of catching up with you. Acting and behaving a certain way will always attract different views no matter how much you try to justify your actions. Once someone formulates an opinion, however you appear remains imprinted in certain people’s esteems and whether you try to redeem yourself or not, what is done is done and you can never go back on it.

The last year has been not only dark and lonely but also a learning curve. I would have hoped that after leaving behind such a past, I could look forward and be a better person. Having not been completely cured of every inhibition before leaving home, it really took its toll on me over the past few weeks. It has been a long time since I have been deemed remotely attractive. People could not see past my skeletal appearance and so actually seeming attractive to people felt like a rather new notion to me. Alas, I was not yet in a position to feel that way about myself. Having spent so long being seen as ‘anorexic’ and being the backchat of everyone I passed, appreciative looks were somewhat of a novelty. I had to relearn what it was like to feel like a normal girl.  Having not reached a healthy BMI before starting university, I still felt like the underweight person with a distorted figure that had taken my place this past year. This meant that I had to find a way in which to prove to myself that I WAS getting better. It is hard to look in the mirror and accept that you are looking healthier when you do not feel completely cured from a disorder that has eaten away at your life (No pun intended). But, acceptance is the way forward. I regret to admit however, that I have not yet reached that place of belief in myself. I have tried to appear headstrong but there is only so long you can act confident before you get hurt.

I am actually ashamed to admit that I have tried to prove my own self-worth to myself by pursuing the attention from those I felt ‘lucky’ enough to have been given it by. I should believe in myself far more than I do, as well as respect the person I have become as a result of my experiences. But, when you have been through such a traumatic ordeal it is hard to see how not to ‘make the most’ of a situation and take advantage of what you can. I have henceforth created a different identity, which I aimed to pin all the responsibility on- the person that emerges after a few alcoholic beverages. It is easy for me to blame the way I have been behaving on being drunk or tipsy, however  I am reluctant to admit it has been my own personal way of proving to myself that I am worth something. I KNOW I am going about it completely the wrong way, but when people don’t believe in you, that is when it gets harder. I have repetitively tried to demonstrate that I am not the mess I have been portrayed to be. However, it is ever so hard to do so without revealing the fact that I have and to a certain extent still am suffering from Anorexia.

My confidence plummeted and had pretty much disappeared since developing my eating disorder; I constantly brace myself for the insults and the disgusted looks I used to receive. It has become a habit to look out for such things. Acknowledging I have changed since then is most difficult because I have regarded myself as the ‘ill’ one for ever so long. When people are getting to know you, it is near impossible to spring upon them such a fact that you have suffered from Anorexia. It is embarrassing, it is a taboo subject and it is NOT talked about. I felt safe back at home where I was respected for my honesty, but at university I feel somewhat childish for admitting to having succumbed to an eating disorder; it feels like a much more sophisticated and mature world where mental disorders such as these are regarded as petty. I am aware this is probably my own paranoia of what others would think, but when it concerns a subject so rarely discussed, it is hard to believe that anyone would see it any other way. I have therefore sought to keep it a secret.

The secret of my Anorexia has been somewhat detrimental to my reputation, as people who do not know me judge me for my actions without really understanding why I have developed them in the first place. I was recently told I looked ‘very thin’ and it was humiliating. Of course the person who delivered this statement was completely unaware of the reason behind my figure. It caused a significant blow to my self-esteem, as I thought I had been doing incredibly well weight-wise after having refrained from losing any weight since starting university despite the ever present temptations of dieting. Having people around you complain about putting on weight and needing to exercise is hard to hear no matter how many times you have to convince yourself that you NEED to put on weight in order to remain healthy. I have somehow managed to stick to my guns, which is one of the few victories I can admit to as of yet. Determining correct portions has been one of the most difficult tasks I have had to undertake and I am constantly having to remind myself that I am NOT serving myself too large a portion and that even if I was, for now, I am doing myself no harm. I have an inner voice to answer to whenever I cook my evening meal. The desire to leave half my plate or to prepare a salad instead of carbohydrates nags away at you. I can report I have ignored it; however it has not stopped me feeling ridiculously unhealthy and even disgusting for so doing so. Being independent in this aspect of life is hard and I did not realise until very recently how much I depended on having someone to talk to.

During my therapy, I had someone who was impartial to whatever information I revealed to them; however re-entering ‘real life’ has been a wakeup call that people do judge you.  Whether it is your past or your present, people will always formulate some sort of prejudice about the person you really are. When people begin to not trust you because of actions that should be completely irrelevant to your personality, that is when it hits home that people are condemning you for the way you behave. Starting to write my blog was a revelation and I became, to a certain extent, dependent upon writing a weekly post. It was my way of juggling the many issues I had with myself and with my Anorexia. I therefore, undermined the power of my therapist and the comfort it brought to me to be able to speak to her weekly. It is only when you do not have someone like this at your disposal that you really appreciate just how much they did for you. Of course I am fully aware that I have a group of close friends to whom I can reveal anything I fear about- these girls being primarily my flat mates however, they are not an impartial outsiders to the situation, they are friends therefore and have their own opinions. What I miss is someone urging me to sift through how I personally feel about a situation and how I will put it right to put my mind at rest.

Despite my rant which has seemingly appeared to be a regression in my situation regarding my Anorexia, I am in fact doing very well weight wise and eating wise. The pride my parents show when I send them a picture of my culinary ‘skills’ is priceless and keeps me motivated that I am on the right track. The fact that no one has had to worry about my health or even had to look out that I am doing ok has been a huge weight off my shoulders; I was so used to having someone track my every move when it came to food. University has been a liberating process and one that I am very glad to finally be undergoing. Having recently celebrated my 20^th birthday, I am leaving behind the teenage years where I was constantly worrying about what I ate and when I ate and reaching state of maturity and self-content in my achievements so far. The only thing that is left for me now is to believe in myself. When that belief comes, only then will my mind be at rest. I have always been reliant on being liked by everyone I meet, however that cannot always be the case and I have to learn to accept that. I will not conform to fit someone’s expectations or to please anyone else but myself. It is only when I find myself again that I will be able to act in a way I will be proud to show off. People do get the wrong impression of you but there is only so long you can deny you are not like that before you begin to believe that you are. I thought I had found myself, but Solene is confident in herself and headstrong. I need to be that person again as opposed the damaged soul seeking reassurance in all the wrong places.