Anorexolympics

Competition. This is a basic instinct within every living organism in the struggle for survival. Like a true masochist, Anorexia Nervosa relishes in out-competing and dominating everything it can get its iron grip around and will become a very sore loser. Should you try desperately and take hold of its ominous presence, it will fight tooth and nail to regain its control over you- never giving up. Although I have previously scorned the notion that Anorexia is borne from the media and was dubious of their allegiance, I cannot completely eradicate the fact that with all the information we have access to nowadays, it feeds the cut-throat nature of the illness by encouraging the spawning of this disorder. Our health concerning food and exercise has become such an obsession within our culture that people will share very openly their own day to day regimes, creating a world of opportunity that I as a sufferer could compete against. Whether it was the portion size and calorie intake or amount of exercise someone partook in, I would feel an urgent need to compare myself to others in order to make sure I was eating less or doing more physically, getting irrationally jealous if I wasn’t able to do ‘better’ than them. This was my way of making sure that I was a winner, when in actual fact I was losing myself in the illness and letting it take me over. My sixth form common room hoarded the girls in and was a hostile place where discussions orientated solely around exercise and dieting; it was a breeding ground for competitive behaviour and eating disorders. There is a lot out in the world that can spike the addiction of Anorexia, which I came to realise when I was in the trance created by the disorder.

The internet is full of resources for Anorexia to satisfy its craving for competition. I personally found it a valuable source where I could gain all sorts of information in order to be able to compare my own diet. With the world of different diets available to the public soaring to an uncountable quantity, it was very easy for me to plug ‘* calorie diet’ into my search engine and be presented with an insane amount of others’ ‘exemplary’ regimes. What I failed to allow myself to notice when I would click on such a link, was the warning that these low-calorie diets should be executed under supervision of a GP and for a period of no longer than 2 weeks at a time. I would block out any caution by convincing myself that I was doing myself no harm, even though I was clearly becoming dangerously ill. I cannot call my particular calorie target a diet in any way shape or form, as I can now see that no one can sufficiently live off what I was consuming. I would use these online ‘diets’ as a guideline and barrier to how much I could allow myself to have and under no circumstances should I have more than what was online. Upon reading a very low calorie diet and acknowledging I was having less, I would feel giddy with happiness for no justifiable reason.

I started this week brainstorming mainly trivial ideas concerning Anorexia and the media. This was due to my reluctance to begin research on an aspect which could potentially provoke my Anorexia, which was particularly sought out after by one curious reader. Hence I have delved further into the worryingly alluring side of Pro-Ana in order for people to gain an insight on such sites from a sufferer’s perspective. My initial hesitancy to search so deeply into the dark depths of the enjoyment of Anorexia was down to my fear of the inevitable resurfacing of anorexic feelings, thoughts and urges. My heart thundered when I typed ‘Pro-Ana’ into my search engine but this was nothing compared to my astonishment in discovering there were over 20 million relevant hits online. The first types of sites I fell on were the ‘tips and tricks’ on how to ‘burn off’ fat as there is absolutely NO allowance for any to be absorbed. What concerns me is the ease of access into any of these malevolent websites, as they are open to all ages and depict a vast array of advice on how to lose weight quickly. I will however note that at the top of such sites there is generally a message warning you of its content (albeit being in small print) or a verification of age to prove you are 18 or over (this does not stop you from simply lying, as there is no demand for proof). One such site promoting Anorexia proclaimed that ‘this is a pro-ana site if you do not like it nor agree with it, MOVE ON’. Those without the disposition to stop reading will scroll down to discover a site which I essentially saw as an Anorexic Utopia. When consumed by the illness, I’d managed to abstain from going directly on Pro-Ana sites telling myself I would never sink down to such a level and give in to the illness, but in actual fact I had been unknowingly hunting desperately for the same tips and inspiration provided on these sites via other resources. Pro-Ana sites do not beat around the bush and proudly parade their backing of the disorder, targeting the vulnerable with the readily available ‘advice’ at their fingertips. My fears were confirmed when I came to the realisation that this is exactly the sort of site I would have loved when I was enclosed in the illness.

I would in no way encourage anyone to take a look for themselves, especially warning those susceptible to unconsciously heeding the advice. Pro-Ana supporters thrive off punishing their bodies:

‘eat in front of a mirror and see how you feel then’  

On one site I found a list of seemingly sinful cravings one could develop, telling you which nutrients your body’s actually crying out in need for then giving you the healthy and generally virtually calorie-free alternative. A mere glance at this and my brain went into over-drive, as my Anorexia was leaping in joy at having finally found a substitute to quench my persistent desire for chocolate by indulging in this treasure trove of information; it was my Anorexia’s dream come true. I struggled desperately to quickly skim this information in a bid to not retain any of it, as I could feel thoughts churning inside that were strongly persuading me to transform these tips into action. As distressing as it is to admit, I felt an almost irrepressible interest in the tips, with a titanic longing to try them out to see if they worked. I discovered I had subconsciously carried out A LOT of the recommendations of my own doing, despite having never frequented a Pro-Ana site. It terrifies me to have uncovered that though I had believed I was never Pro-Ana, I have an uncanny relation to the authors of such sites, disturbing me to no end. I fooled myself into thinking that because I never glorified the illness nor expressed the euphoria of weight-loss publically, I hadn’t nurtured my Anorexia in the very same way these undeniably equal minded people do. I understand I had misconceptions on Pro-Ana supporters in judging them as ‘disturbed’, but as a sufferer I can see how enthralling it is to build an Anorexic Haven where Anorexia is at home, welcomed and well-tended to. The need to hide the illness is not suppressed on these sites and so the Anorexia is free to reign. I believe Anorexia isn’t enjoyed but the pure bliss achieved by weight-loss is just too hard for them to resist.

With 3 million hits when researching ‘Pro-Ana blogs’, you realise that there are many documentations on people’s very different battle with Anorexia but they all carry the same ‘fat is blasphemy’ message. These people punish themselves, doomed into letting Anorexia convince them that they will ‘forever be almost thin enough’, a direct quote revealing the woeful realisation that they will NEVER be satisfied. There are no goals set, simply skinny is not good enough. Constantly seeing themselves as ‘smothered in disgusting calories’ leads them to pursue their need to lose more and more weight without limitations in what a logical minded person would see as body mutilation. The first blog I fell upon was probably the most horrifyingly honest concerning body image, with one quote embedded itself permanently into my mind due to its morbidity; ‘every rib was a victory’…

‘Thinspiration’ is term employed to describe the quotes, pictures and videos devised for the sole purpose of encouraging you on the road of Anorexia and to keep going with the weight loss. It is all ‘motivational’ in a sort of sick and manipulative way.

‘If everything was easy then everyone would be thin. Thin people are powerful’

I found on many sites a picture of an immensely skeletal ‘role’-model with the consistent ‘my inspiration’ caption lurking underneath. This is the side of Pro-Ana that had led me into being prejudiced and stereotyping all those that are like-minded as seemingly mentally unstable. Coming across the ‘Anorexia 10 Commandments’, it was as if Pro-Ana was a religious cult upon which you can put all your faith in; I regarded this as a complete exploitation of Anorexia sufferers. The forums created on the sites each contain a wide number of links from the fanatical Pro-Ana followers all coaxing you in to the world of ‘thinspirations’, with a vast number of youtube videos created by the avid fans or their favourite motivational quotes. ‘Thinspiration’ is designed to make you feel inadequate and feed the Anorexia on its quest to become what it leads you to believe is ‘perfect’… even though you will realistically never attain that goal, as you will NEVER see yourself as perfect.

On a somewhat lighter note, my own experience generated by the booming diet industry and its subsequent publicising of diets was aided by the persuasive TV advertising by different weight-loss companies. Inquisitive on the colourful world of dieting, I’d subscribe myself to all the different sites. I was a member of Special K diets, Tesco diets and even the M&S one. I was particularly intrigued by the Weightwatchers diet, however you had to pay to subscribe and I therefore did not take the risk of my parents finding out that I had been signing up to such sites and so I would research the world renown ‘propoint’ values via other means. Essentially these websites are cleverly designed, as they will ask you for your height, weight, age group and gender, then calculate your BMI and formulate a personal daily plan for you to stick to in order to lose weight. They will even warn you when dieting is not recommended for you and set up a plan in order to maintain your current weight. Although no website in their right mind would have devised or even encouraged me to take on their dieting programme, there was absolutely nothing stopping me entering an entirely false weight (far heavier than I was) in order to gain access to an example of the lowest calorie diet possible. In what I can now see as a very sickening habit, I would laugh at the portion sizes they recommended and the number of snacks they would advise ‘me’ to have.  Though I would never undertake the diets, I would visit each site daily for the sheer satisfaction of knowing I had consumed less than it was advising. This is the very first time I am admitting to such foolery, as even my parents are unaware of what I would research when at my lowest.

I have a bizarre fetish of watching food programmes on the TV and absolutely love all the different cookery shows that are on offer. Though I have always revelled in cooking (especially baking), this fanatical behaviour started when I began my obsession with controlling my food intake along with my desire to over-feed my family cakes. I watch a marathon of cookery shows throughout the evening with my personal favourite being ‘Come Dine With Me’, watching the newest episodes followed by old repeats of the show. It has made me ultra-aware of the range of food shows on air these days that is easy to see why our nation has succumbed to such disordered eating. Despite this I found that there are some insightful programmes on TV with the likes of Kate Thornton’s recent documentary on channel 5 depicting her own battle with Anorexia. Very much like me she aims to make people more aware of this disease whilst on a journey of self-discovery and I could relate with a lot she was saying; it gave me hope that I could in time recover to the extent she has. The recent come-back of ‘Supersize VsSuperskinny’ on channel 4 is exciting, as I was fascinated by it last year no matter how hard it was to watch. It has no qualms in highlighting the harsh reality of what starvation does to the body in the long run and the risks caused by nutrient deficiencies. When the show first aired I remember seeing the ‘superskinnies’ on TV and finding their whole physique horrifying in the way their bones would stick out, amazed at how some would rarely feel hunger. My body is now very much the same. The current series is following a group of people of all ages living with various eating disorders, having in previous series embarked on successfully helping a group of Anorexia Nervosa sufferers through recovery. The more people are aware of these disorders the better and so I honestly back the somewhat controversial publicising of eating disorders. Though I found this particular programme thoroughly interesting, I found that I used it as a tool to create a diet based on what the ‘superskinny’ would have and getting gleeful when seeing them ‘give in’ and eat the ‘supersize’ junk food portions in the meal swaps. What I have learnt from this is that Anorexia will search out any given opportunity for competition, finding it in the tiniest and most unlikely of places.

                                                                                 

We have been brought up in this day and age to see anything short of what is thought of as beautiful as ‘imperfect’, pushing ourselves into disciplinary action surrounding food and exercise. We have all heard the same tedious debate over and over, whereby the entire media is to blame for our diet conscious nation, however though I can accept the link with a strict diet and a want to be ‘perfect’, there is no doubt in my mind that the spiral into Anorexia is a lot more complex and requires a very different mind-set to this superficial notion. If you resist being entirely submerged in the disorder the mind must constantly compete against the illness, as an overnight ‘switch’ in judgement would be a phenomenon. Anorexia will put up a fight and will not go without a battle on every step of the way. When you have with all your strength and might conquered one demon, there is always one looming ahead in order to jump to the next level of recovery. After being subjected to the Pro-Ana way of thinking, the feelings of desire in wanting to lose weight all came flooding back to me and it was almost too much to handle. I realise now not to get ahead of myself in thinking that I am very close to the end to completely conquering Anorexia, as the voice is still very much there and persistent. I am anguished in the thought that I believed had passed all that. There is a positive side to the internet and eating disorders. It has enabled me to share my experiences with everyone and express myself, a feat that would never have been possible for me by the word of mouth. There are also helpful sites such as beat, with forums about what I would call REAL motivation, where the encouragement comes in inspiring recovery. This is the path I aim not to stray off.