Euphoric and Addictive Feelings

Sufferer. Notice the term I’ve used to describe those of us unfortunate enough to develop the vicious mental illness known as Anorexia Nervosa. The Oxford Dictionary mildly describes it as a verb where you ‘experience something bad’, but no definition can truly convey how powerful the meaning of the word really is. The word can pretty much describe every emotional aspect that comes with anorexia and has never rung truer in my opinion after the week I have just experienced. After receiving such positive feedback from my blog, I had lulled myself into a false sense of security and to me, revealing my notions on feeling weak upon showing vulnerability from emotion seemed a logical enough step. I felt stronger from the support everyone was showing. There is an incredible irony therefore, in the events of the past week where I was attacked verbally by a woman whilst at work and was directly called an ‘anorexic’ as if I was a vile creature instead of a human being. No matter how tough I like to appear on the exterior and nonchalant about my condition, I was unprepared for such a horrible attack and it hurt. It has made me come to believe that I am weak, I should have been stronger and not let the woman make me cry; but most of all I should not have been weak enough to let anorexia take over my mind.

There are many physical and psychological symptoms that allow anorexia to have the verb ‘to suffer’ describe its victims. This illness traps you in your mind and leads your logical self to view survival in a different light. Eating is a basic human instinct and essential in order to live, however despite having studied Biology A-level and therefore having an advanced knowledge of the body’s requirements and uses for energy, as a sufferer my illness has imprisoned this, leading me to see food as an enemy rather than a ‘medicine’ for my recovery. Obviously, no matter how well written a first-hand account of anorexia may be, the whole experience is just so hard to describe in words to a healthy person. I have been asked many times why I can’t just focus my energy and determination into recovery as opposed to using it in the negative, controlling and restrictive way I have. I can answer this honestly: when you find something you are good at (for me restriction) it is ever so hard to give it up, a feeling I’m sure is shared by many. To me, my relapse this summer after my first attempt at recovering, became another factor on my mental list of failures. Making a trade from an aspect I KNOW I am good at and am sure will work to recovery, which has let me down before, is near impossible. I am very hard on myself and due to the many failures in my eyes, I tend to search for a quick burst of satisfaction, very much like the ones I achieve by controlling my food intake. I have however used my determination to begin the steps to recovery, unfortunately I’m aware that my heart and soul aren’t completely ready to accommodate the food intake for weight restoration, no matter how much I would like to appear normal again.

Sticks and Stones

Regret. The strongest feeling I had immediately after posting my very first blog. The many who know me personally will know how much I hate to show vulnerability and in admitting to having an illness I truly revealed my biggest weakness. I was worried that my brutal honesty on my ordeal would come back and bite me due to the very nature of the subject. What I genuinely didn’t prepare for was the overwhelming support that everyone gave upon reading it and the fact that people actually gave positive feedback to it. My goal was to raise awareness for everyone out there and so that when people see someone very obviously in the same situation as myself, not to avoid them and judge them for what they have done to themselves, but to lend a little understanding. I don’t want to come across as bitter but I have been in a place before developing anorexia nervosa where my lack of understanding led me to be somewhat judgemental of its sufferers. My biggest fear is that people will treat me differently after my revelation and being known as the ‘anorexic one’ is the last thing I want. In my recovery I want to become the Solene I was, the Solene that everyone had got to know and therefore this bravery comes from the person I used to be before. I won’t let the voice hide me away anymore.

The confession

Anorexic- A social taboo subject, little understood by many people. Although it is obvious by looking at me, I am facing my demons by being both embarrassed and very scared in admitting to suffering from this social stigma. Society generally categorises us by this name and shunning us for our eating disorder due to a common misunderstanding and there is a shared prejudice amongst many that sufferers are just seeking attention. Yet we are individuals. We are not ‘anorexic’ we are people like all of you who SUFFER from anorexia nervosa. This fact being difficult even for ourselves to understand as we are consumed by the illness and the disorder becomes a huge part of us, incredibly difficult to separate yourself from. It is important to distinguish us as people with an illness rather than the illness itself, of which many are afraid of due to the often frighteningly skeletal appearance of its sufferers.

The common misconception that people have is led by the naivety around the subject. Never did I have it explained to me fully to me and therefore I distinctly remember my 10 year old self believing that an anorexia sufferer survived only on glasses of water. Wrong. I wish that whilst having been in an all-girls school for the whole of my secondary school life that we would have had the opportunity to learn about the subject. My school was incredibly academically orientated, therefore putting immense pressure on all its students creating the stressful environment in which many girls found ‘comfort’ in an eating disorder to cope. The school failed miserably to deal with this huge issue due to their lack of knowledge surrounding the subject, proven when my year group were all gathered into the school hall after the toilets had been blocked with sick and told to ‘stop being so stupid’. As a society we are also led to believe that the main reason behind the illness is the media and the pressure put on us to look like the airbrushed models we see on the covers of magazines. This is an extremely superficial way of explaining how someone might come to develop an eating disorder.  I for one know the main reason for me is control, as you will come to discover as I delve deeper into my story.