New Years Resolutions

I thought I was recovered but am I really? I wasn’t obsessed with calorie counting or sticking to a particular number of calories. I was comfortable that I could decipher a correct portion size without the help of scales. When did this change? When did I lose this confidence I’d regained in myself? When did I lose hope? I’m not saying I have relapsed. I told myself I wouldn’t ever download any of the numerous apps available to keep track and religiously calculate how many calories you should have vs. how many you were actually taking in. But, like any vulnerable mind, I succumbed. I told myself it was because I was going to the gym more and I was striving for the ‘booty gains’, but was there an underlying need from the buried anorexia to attempt to resurface its ugly head? Throughout out this meticulous monitoring, I have very much remained within a healthy number of calories and haven’t necessarily driven myself to ever be in a calorie deficit but I have kept a very strict eye on my intake for nearly a year now. I haven’t lost weight or gained and I don’t know what changed within me but I guess it became a comfort. A necessity. It’s been a daily activity that I’ve actively attempted to keep a secret but I’d be unsurprised to find out that people close to me have noticed.

Throughout this time of starting to calorie count I have been continuing with my dentistry degree and managing to pass exams without too much stress. Yet I am ashamed to admit that there have been chocolate ‘binges’ that have driven me to almost insanity and a jealousy or even rivalry of anyone who I considered to be eating less or exercising more than me.  Snacking I will always find hard to accept as normal but the jealousy I acknowledge to not being normal behaviour yet its often hard to let slip. I have started strength training at the gym trying to build muscle and regain a shape that I lost when I initially lost all the weight. I have enjoyed developing a muscular physique so I would actively say that losing weight is not my goal and I know that calorie surplus therefore will not harm me. But why does my monitoring of my calorie intake so want to resist these changes that I am so desperate to see in myself? Am I truly happy?

Having found that previous relationship breakdowns have inevitably led to the development/ relapse of my anorexia I have been very wary of and probably actively shied away from letting my heart go. I have had an intense fear that revealing my feelings and subsequently getting hurt would lead to a subsequent breakdown in my already fragile control. But I did let go. I allowed myself to love again. It has been a whirlwind year of happiness and mixed emotions, such is the way when you have intense and passionate feelings for someone. I was so relaxed, ordering takeaway foods as much as once a week, which was unheard of for my family growing up, let alone for me as a recovering anorexic. But now I’ve been hurt again. Burnt myself on the fire that I’d learnt would scar, yet readily and whole-heartedly replaced my hand into that burning and damaging flame. I don’t want to say I regret that decision but following what feels like the inevitable (ever the pessimist) breakdown of my recent and probably deepest relationship, it has left me petrified of what could be to come. 

Stupidly, a month ago during exams I was meant to have a review for my antidepressants but I didn’t ‘have time’ to make one. I was happy at this time. Blinded. I thought I was invincible and above the pills. I did this last time I was ‘in love’. It’s now been a month since I have taken anything. I have always remained on the lowest prescribable dose of these drugs so for all I know they could be merely having a placebo effect. Yet last time I went off them in my love drunk stupor, which left me heartbroken, I had a relapse. I now find myself in a similar situation of having been so happy and now being heartbroken without any pharmacological intervention plus adding in the extreme stress of my final year of dentistry. Why do I destine myself to repeating mistakes? This recent heartbreak has left me petrified of what it could lead to. I know I am highly aware of my mental health, I have amazing family support and I have strong friendships to help me through, but is this enough. Am I strong enough?  I can’t help but doubt my resilience in light of how broken I currently feel. 

I am tired of having other people hurt me and subsequently dictate my mental health but at the same time I don’t want to be the ice queen I taught myself to be. Yet how can I resist the urge to shut my emotions off when there has been a repetitive pattern of immense hurt when I melt my barrier? Why shouldn’t I just guard my feelings and protect myself from the risk of a relapse? I wouldn’t say it’s just a way of avoiding dealing with my emotions; it’s a protection from the hurt I know damages me and affects me intensely. I wish I didn’t let other people dictate my mental health, but how can I separate my heart and soul from this? 

New years resolutions are full of hope. I hope I can stay strong.  I hope that this time being heartbroken wont break my mind. I hope that despite the anxiety and calorie counting that I can still consider myself if not recovered then far into recovery. I hope that I don’t relapse. I hope that my heart mends. 

Hidden Truths

Hiding. This is the concealment, or indeed, the cover-up of a truth that one would rather not divulge. Despite the huge leaps that society has made in the awareness of mental illness, I find that it is still very much a social taboo. Supressing your feelings and inner most fears has very much become the norm in this day and age, yet it is something that we must fight against. The problem is how do you fight for something you are still afraid to not be accepted for?  Most of our society however, has finally achieved an understanding and maybe even a respect for those who share their experience with psychiatric problems. But what if you reveal yourself and fall on that minority of people who both do not accept you and label you a ‘freak’? What if people end up treating you differently? These are all questions that run through an anxious mind before deciding whether or not to come out of hiding and they are also the questions that keep people from doing so. Therefore, mental health remains a societal no-no.

Unfortunately, with the start of a new degree, I have not only had limited time to write, but I have also been afraid to. Making new friends is great, however, I still feel I cannot just go around revealing my history with mental illness so early in a relationship. I do not want it to be my defining feature as a person, as I feel I have grown beyond the person I used to be when I was ill. I think this is a normal fear for me to harbour when people are still my acquaintances, despite the fact that I am not afraid to reveal my past and I am in fact, more than a little open about it! I must remember however, that I write my blog to release my pent-up feelings and with the start of my intense degree in dentistry, this is more crucial than ever. So where to start since I last wrote in April?!

My 3 years at Newcastle ended on a high when I managed to secure myself a first. I took the final year in a far more chilled manner than I had the second year during my relapse and therefore, came out of it a happier and more fulfilled person. The weight I had worked so hard to make up during my first bout of anorexia finally crept up to a healthy BMI and people were complimenting me on how great I looked. Instead of making me recoil at the thought of being the biggest than I have been in maybe 3-4 years (and I’m aware it’s still not big), I took it as my greatest achievement. I am so proud of myself. This is when I realised that not only have I recovered physically, but also my mind has finally caught up. There are many things I wouldn’t have dared eat or would have thought twice and made myself feel immense guilt for eating, that I am beginning to reintroduce into my diet- pizza and bread amongst other things. Of course I still find myself limiting certain things but it is on a scale that is incomparable to where I have ever been before. I am less afraid.

Yet again the summer I had was filled with holidays and due to having so much fun, they were over in a flash. It started with a week in Croatia with my sister, whereby the food, wine and cocktails (basically all the things with calories) were the highlight of the trip as opposed to a fear. That is not to say the sights were not incredible too! I allowed myself to crave a pizza, get excited to eat it and admit to enjoying it. I used to find it hard to say that ‘forbidden’ foods were tasty at the fear of being thought to being better recovered than I wanted to appear. It is hard to explain why I wanted to be seen to be far deeper into the illness than I was, but I put it down to selfishly wanting more attention from my parents as well as lowering their expectations of me so I could recover at my own pace. Of course I prefer the latter excuse but I can’t help but feel I have been a bit of a child at times with the anorexia. 

 Turkey then followed with my family, whereby we returned to the same resort we had gone to the previous year. Knowing the standard of the buffets that were laid out for us breakfast, lunch and dinner, it was not surprising that it excited both my whole family and me. I have to admit we were not disappointed. We certainly made the most of the baklava- a Turkish pastry drenched in lashing of honey and immensely calorific- and the amount of food I was eating came as an after thought rather than being at the forefront during every meal. This allowed me to eat what I wanted and at the quantities I wanted to. Of course I have a feeling I will never be entirely care free of my diet, but I do not feel it runs my life anymore.

Yoga and Pilates have been exercises I have started to be doing on a regular basis. Having bought myself a yoga mat and found good online tutorials, I have become more motivated to embark on a full healthy lifestyle. Eating well is just one of the hurdles, I must exercise in a constructive manner too. However, I do find myself feeling I NEED to do exercise purely to counteract the amount of chocolate I have been eating. I have frequently voiced my concern over what I can only call my chocolate addiction, but I just can’t seem to stop myself buying and eating it. This feels incredibly alien seeing as my whole dilemma with mental illness began due to my over-achieving nature and impeccable if not extremely dangerous self-restraint! I just don’t know how to stop, despite constantly thinking I’m going to end up like a blob one day (I have yet to actually even look remotely like a blob and this is probably what makes me reluctant to stop).

Finally this brings me to my first month studying dentistry at Aberdeen University. Having had the whole experience of doing a degree before, I was only slightly apprehensive of going back for another 4 years. I think the fact that I have managed to settle in so quickly is probably not what I would probably have described a miracle, but because I have far more self-confidence, which thankfully comes out in my personality. The people on my course have also helped in that respect and we seem to have fallen into a happy rhythm as if we’d know each other for years. I have for the meantime however, decided to stay on fluoxetine (a decision supported by my GP), as I feel the change of working pace and environment would not be a good time to start messing around with my hormones. Although, I feel better than I have in ever so long, I am not willing to risk it. However, I think the fact that none of my new friends have been any the wiser of my mental health history (unless if it has slipped out during drunken DMC’s A.K.A drunk meaningful chats) despite having spent a whole weekend in Leeds with them recently, means that I am a place where I would say I am on the verge of being recovered. In fact it has never felt so close.

A Life of Successes

Success. Everyone sets themselves a goal in their lives, which once they have attained, is their own personal definition of success. Success is subjective and therefore other people can rarely assess the extent of the achievement in someone’s life. Victories need not be on a large scale to be deemed important, as there will always be the small successes in life. Yet, are these small victories worthy of the same level of satisfaction? I believe so. When recovering from anorexia, successes arise on a daily basis. Be it the day you eat a slice of bread or even the day you finally attain the healthy BMI range (which I personally have yet again achieved), all events leave you with the knowledge that you are one step closer to reaching your goal.

A lot has happened since I last wrote a post and indeed I have some of the biggest news to share. I have finally been accepted on a place to study Dentistry at Aberdeen University. The hard work and perseverance I have put in to finally achieve this is what led to my demise with anorexia. I first developed this condition when I was unable to apply to study Dentistry at the age of 18 due to poor grades. I had completely lost site of the future I had envisioned for myself and my goal had been cruelly snatched away from me. I felt I had no control over my life and so I began controlling the one thing I could, my food. And I was very good at it! In fact too good, as it quickly became an obsession, which further pulled me away from my dream. However, 5 years on, I am a stronger person for it and have gained the ability to be empathetic, a quality I believe will be vital for me as a dentist. So yey to me!

I often find myself refraining from posting a new blog when I meet new people for no other reason than I don’t want them to look at me differently after reading what I have to say. There has never been an incident whereby I have ever had to question myself for sharing my blog, as everyone has been nothing but respectful, yet I always have the fear that one day someone will hurt me with the insight they gain into the private aspects of my life. It may also be that an acquaintance knowing intimate details about me is in fact very embarrassing. I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself, as I have shown resilience in combatting my demons and it has shaped the person the world has now come to know.

The Easter holidays, apart from brining about a mound of chocolate for me to continue bingeing on, also led me to another 2 weeks of skiing. Skiing has quickly become my favourite form of self-therapy, as the freedom you get from your troubled mind is incomparable.  The ability to be in the fresh mountain air and having a blank mind, bar planning the location of your next turn, is a relief and there is also the satisfaction of knowing you have physically exerted yourself. This is not taking into account however, the fact that you generally take in a whole lot more calories than you’ve spent due to the sheer unctuous and moreish nature of the French mountain foods. Be it the week I spent with my family, or the one I spent with my university friends, I certainly did not hold back on the food front. I ate to my hearts content choosing foods that I WANTED to eat (with the exception of cheese, my devil food) and thoroughly enjoyed pigging-out. One moment I did question myself was when someone said ‘you’re indulging yourself’ upon me ordering a chocolate crepe. I ate it anyway but I do not want be told or made to feel greedy as it is very alarming for me. I do want to thank all of my ‘Ski lot’ however, who really made my last university ski trip one of the most memorable and best holidays I have been on.

Although I would not say I am yet recovered from my anorexia, I feel I am in one of the best places both emotionally and physically that I have been in since I started on my road to recovery. I have the help of extremely supportive friends both at university and at home, a sister I get along with better than ever and parents who have stuck by me through my worst times (although arguably they sort of had to). I am on a road that is leading me to full recovery and I now hold the key to the future I have so long wanted for myself. I believe that my life is finally going to be a success.

Going the Distance

Idling. Sometimes in life your foot will find itself firmly on the clutch and poised on the accelerator ready to go, yet will you manage to set off on the journey or will you simply stall and have to start again? The waiting game during recovery from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things to cope with. You have a yearning to get on with life, but the limitations within your mind mean you cannot embark on your future until the block comes away. When it seems that you cannot go forwards, but reversing is not an option either, then you can’t help but wonder what to do, how to handle the situation, how to idle by…

Entering the third year of university I have found my life once again on standby. My reapplication to dentistry has meant that my future is in other’s people’s hands and I find it very hard to accept I am not in control of it. I have no idea what I will be doing come September let alone where I will be living, and this thought scares me. Although I strive for a life of spontaneity, such is my nature that organising myself in advance is what I find safest, or else I start to panic; so waiting for a response from dental schools is a stressful experience for me. Yet again in this situation, my pessimism shines through and I am almost resigning myself to having to find a plan B and give up on my dream to become a dentist. I find it so much easier to cope with potential rejections if I do not hope and set the bar low for myself than if I allow my head to get carried away and dream. Unfortunately, I set this barrier to almost everything I do in life and it is a cycle I MUST get myself out of.

The constant fear of my ‘relative binge’ is still upon me, due to my obsession with chocolate. I keep telling myself, ‘today it’s ok to have this extra square because tomorrow I’ll just have a little a less’, yet this never ends up happening and it’s scaring me. No, I am not overweight, if anything I am only just entering the healthy range so I have a large margin, but what if my inability to control my chocolate cravings becomes an addiction and I can’t stop and I go above and beyond a weight I will ever be comfortable with? It all sounds so melodramatic written down, but my mind is constantly whirring around this thought. I feel I have opened a door whereby I have allowed myself to eat chocolate in an unrestricted manner but it has turned a 180 and I am now eating in uncontrollably.

I have recently started exercising again in the hope to counteract the fact I am a complete chocaholic and also for general fitness. It just made me more aware when I was writing that sentence that my primary reason for exercise was to compensate for extra calories… This is not a great realisation, but at least I know I am not aiming to lose weight in this situation but merely to stay in the comfortable weight zone that I am currently in. On the plus side, my main choice of exercise this time has been yoga, a non-strenuous form of exercise that has really allowed me to relax and ease myself into a life with exercise again. I think this is what is best for me, as if I was pushing myself too fast too soon, I would not be able to moderate my diet to fit around the exertion I would be putting on my body. But I am enjoying yet again being healthy enough to exercise and being in a place where I am not afraid to eat that extra bit so that I can stay healthy.

Most of the people surrounding me currently do not know where they will be next year so I am not the only one currently stuck in limbo. However, I find this creates a limitation on everything we do with a reluctance to commit ourselves to anything or anyone in the fear of having to leave it all behind; no one just goes for it anymore. It makes these few months we are living futile and worthless and we are all in the same boat. I am taking it very hard, as not being busy is one of my weaknesses, as it has always dragged me into depression. Sitting around and waiting for life to happen to me is not something I am comfortable with but I don’t know how to get out of my funk until I can answer some questions for my future but I have to rely on others to answer these for me. I am not confident in moving into the unknown alone but if push comes to a shove I will step off that clutch and go the distance.

Snow Longer a Problem

Pride. These days this word is often used in conjunction with an arrogant individual, however how can we deny someone the right to be proud of themselves for accomplishing an event they did not think themselves capable of. When it comes to recovery from Anorexia, pride will often be accompanied with guilt. Why should we feel joy in eating an ‘unsafe’ food we had so long been ecstatic in our ability to cut out? It is necessary to overcome the natural urges from the Anorexia and see how amazing it is that after suffering for so long, to have that first slice of bread. At first hearing the congratulations from others fills you with a self-loathing that drives you to feel the need to compensate for such ‘garish’ behaviour. Yet soon, the individual behind the Anorexia will come out and feel a satisfaction in the accomplishment; if there is no anxiety at first, then that means that you are not challenging yourself. As it gets easier to accept the pleasure from achievements, you can move on to your next challenge.

It is normal for me to describe my recent past as having its ups and downs, but I have come to accept that that is the nature of recovery from a mental disorder. Since admitting last time that I was feeling guilt for constantly snacking, I have realised that it is most likely a relative binge; a true binge session involves a great amount of food in a short period of time something in hindsight that I have most certainly not been attaining. Although I never displayed body dysmorphia whereby a sufferer sees themselves as bigger than they are, I have now come to realise I project such tendencies to my portion sizes. Therefore, although I feel as if I am eating a tremendous amount, my Anorexia is just sizing it up. It becomes easier to ignore these feelings if I start to count my calories, but I have been actively avoiding doing so, as this is not a normal behaviour. I still have to work on stopping weighing foods that I require to portion out and trust my instinct. However, I cannot yet decipher whether this behaviour is because I want to ensure I am having enough in terms of a regular portion, or if I am not having too much in terms of a regular portion; both these would have different connotations in terms of recovery.

Although my illness does hinder me socially, I believe I am not letting it affect me as much as I did during my relapse this time last year. A lot of social activities involve food or alcohol both taking me out of my comfort zone and ‘eating schedule’. I need to be more flexible with my eating times, yet I loathe eating when I do not feel hungry. These past couple of months although I have declined invitations to go out a couple of times because of this fear, the number of times I have dealt with eating ‘irregularly’ have far outweighed the rejections. There have been a few occasions where I have had to eat earlier than I usually would have liked, but it has allowed me to have Sunday roasts with some great friends, go to gigs and even Christmas dinner with my flat. It’s never easy to have other people in charge of when and what I will be eating but I am increasing my food repertoire quite significantly.

I did not realise how significant my relapse had been last year until I went to my GP and she told me I had put on around 5Kg since last Christmas. Having not really taken on board at the time of the relapse just how far I had declined, this made me appreciate how far I had come in the past year. I am still slightly underweight but I believe it can easily be remedied if I continue on the path I have been (with Christmas coming up there’s no avoiding weight gain!). I have also decided to continue antidepressants despite being on such a low dose it could just be a placebo effect. I do not want to risk any hormonal imbalances at such a crucial time such as my university dissertation and awaiting news on whether I will finally accomplish my dreams of becoming a dentist.

I have always been marginally pessimistic whereby I used to have a quote: ‘you never believe it until it’s in front of you’. What I meant by this is that I have so little self-belief that I cannot have high hopes for myself at the fear of being bitterly disappointed. Having been offered 2 interviews so far for dentistry, I cannot yet hope to be in education this time next year until I receive a firm offer, as last time I did so, I ended up having to take my backup choice following 4 rejections. I must admit, I am in a much better place this time around but I have a chronic fear that on paper I sound great yet, I cannot live up to expectations face-to-face. Not only this but having recently become the only single person in a house of 5 girls, I cannot help but wonder if there is anything wrong with me? I am not actively looking nor am I heaving off a stench of desperation, yet I do not feel people have any interest in me. Maybe I just need to work on my confidence!

So many people have helped me in my 3rd round of recovery (or is it my 4^th? I am so lost now!), yet one person has really stood out to me at university. She has been the most understanding person and encouraged me in my recovery; I do not think I would be quite where I am now without her. Fortunately I got to spend a week of skiing with her and my university this past week in the French Alps. It helped to have a supportive friend understand when I was too tired to go out drinking with the other students or push me to eat more when it was clear that I was not having enough to sustain myself in the cold conditions and extreme exercise in the form of skiing. Although, I did not have a pizza this past week as I have usually done skiing, I did have one of my own accord the week before… All alone!!!! Obviously I was eating in public with people I had never eaten with before or even admitted to having an eating disorder to (not that I hide it really!) and therefore I really worked hard to be ‘normal’ and I’m pretty sure no-one was any the wiser. I was eating quickly in ‘time restraints’; hard-core uni skiers are NOT patient people when it comes to lunchtime! For this I am proud and for this I still feel I challenged myself over the holiday and hey this time around my fluo pink ski trousers actually fit!

Bread has long been cut out of my staple diet but since this semester, I have had more bread than I have had over my illness; over that period I could literally count on my fingers the amount of bread I had. I have been actually ENJOYING the occasional sandwich and even having a bread roll with my lunchtime soup on occasions. Instead of feeling overtly guilty I have quite happily done so, although I still believe it will take time for it to be an accompaniment to my meals as opposed to part of my meals. I am proud of my accomplishments over this past year, I still have some way to go but I am not going to downplay how well I’ve done. So, Well done me.